The Beginning of Always
by staringatthesky
Summary: Because Edward and Bella together is a love story that transcends time... A medieval twilight story.
1. Chapter 1 - Castle Cullen

_After all this time of writing the other Cullens, I'm finally going to try with Bella! This is going to be a medieval version of Twilight, set in 1348. It will borrow heavily from modern day twilight with a lot of similar conversations and parallel events. I've kept the names of the Cullens but changed a few of the other characters, just because the modern names really clashed with the medieval setting. The title comes from a quote by Dante, who was a 14th century writer, and I thought it was very appropriate for Bella and Edward. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!_

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 _ **Chapter 1 – Castle Cullen**_

" _Remember tonight…for it is the beginning of always." – Dante Alighieri_

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"Lady Isabella? You'll be able to see Castle Cullen soon, just once we get out of these woods. We're nearly home, my lady."

Deep under my hood I nodded wearily. The rain dripped continuously from the trees above and I was so cold I had almost ceased shivering. My hands on the reins were numb despite the fur-lined gloves, but the well-bred and trained palfrey followed the horse ahead without requiring any guidance from me.

Coming to the edge of the forest the endless dripping eased off as we left the thick trees behind. I pushed my hood back a little and looked up, seeing at last the looming stone edifice of Castle Cullen atop the hill we were now beginning to wind our way up. The oppressive storm clouds and the twilight gloom combined to make it look forbidding, and I felt my heart fall a little further.

The horses obviously felt none of my reservations. Sensing how close they were to home, to a warm stable and good food, they picked up their pace and the palfrey neighed shrilly.

"You'll be glad to get to the castle I'd wager," Sir Hugh said to me, letting his horse drop back to pace beside the palfrey.

I smiled at him briefly, but said nothing. Certainly I'd be glad to be off the horse and in front of a fire, but there was nothing about the dark grey stone walls and towers ahead of me that appealed. After living with my aunt in a busy market city of York for twelve years, being sent to the remote Castle Cullen to live with my father felt like being sent into exile.

It began to rain again as we passed through the outer gate, and made our way towards the imposing gatehouse ahead. The palfrey slipped a little in the churned up mud and I clutched at the saddle with numb hands, hoping it wouldn't stumble. Several cottages and huts were built up against the thick castle walls, but the evening hour and the cold rain appeared to be keeping everyone inside.

The older man guarding the gatehouse greeted Sir Hugh with a hearty shout, and then gazed at me curiously.

"Charles' daughter, Lady Isabella," Sir Hugh said briefly, and the man nodded with understanding.

I squirmed in embarrassment, knowing that this was only the beginning. There wouldn't be so many new faces joining remote castle communities like Castle Cullen often so that the arrival of someone new wouldn't be regarded as a matter of great interest. As steward my father was a powerful member of the Lord's household, and having his long lost daughter arrive from the large market town of York wasn't something that would slip by anyone. Shy and with a tendency towards clumsiness, the idea of everyone watching me was horrifying.

Coming out from under the shelter of the gatehouse into the castle courtyard I saw the stables over to one side. Built of stone, they were in considerably better repair than some of the peasant's cottages I had seen on the other side of the wall. Sir Hugh dismounted and handed his courser off to another groom and then came over to my side.

"My lady? Can I help you?"

"Thank you." Forcing my cramped fingers to release the reins I dismounted, although after so many hours freezing in the saddle my legs crumpled under me and I fell into Sir Hugh's arms. He held me upright until I was able to stand alone, my face hot with embarrassment.

"Jacob," Sir Hugh shouted. "Jacob! Come and fetch the lady Isabella's horse!"

The palfrey butted her head against me, and I patted her shoulder absently. A boy suddenly appeared at her head, taking the rein and grinning at me. His eyes were dark and his hair, also dark, had stray wisps of hay in it. "Welcome to Castle Cullen Lady Bella. Or I suppose I should say welcome back."

I smiled at him vaguely. I had left the castle at five years old and had very few memories. "Thank you…"

"Jacob," he told me. "You don't remember me? We used to play together when we were little, when you were here before." His cheeks went pink. "Never mind…it's silly."

"I don't remember," I said, but I smiled at him anyway. He had called me Bella, which I preferred, and it was kind of him to remember and try and make me feel at home. "But thank you for the welcome."

"Let's get on up to the castle," Sir Hugh interrupted, unstrapping the bundle of my possessions from the palfrey. "Jacob, see to the horses. Lady Isabella, we must find your father. He'll be relieved to have you here safe at last."

I followed him across the courtyard and into the great hall, where the clamour of the people crowded in there hit me like a solid wall of sound. Dinner must have been winding down, since the high table was deserted, but the hall still seemed full of people seated at the long tables, all of them talking at the tops of their voices.

"Here are your belongings," Sir Hugh said, offering me my bundle, which I took and clasped to my chest. "Wait here my lady, and I'll find your father," he added, not waiting for a response before he vanished. He seemed a little less dour than he had on the journey, and I supposed he was relieved to be home. Likely he hadn't found my company any more scintillating than I had found his.

"Bella!"

It was my father. My few memories from the castle involved Charles, and I was surprised how unchanged the man in front of me seemed. There was more grey in his hair and beard and the belly under the tunic was a little more pronounced than I remembered, but the smile was the same as he came and embraced me a little awkwardly.

"Hello Char…Father." My aunt had always referred to Charles by his name and I had fallen into the habit of doing so as well, but it didn't seem respectful to do so to his face.

"The journey was well?" he enquired.

"Well enough," I answered. Four days of hard riding had left me aching in every muscle and half wishing to never see a horse again, but Charles didn't need to hear my complaints. I was here at Castle Cullen at last, and had little option but to make the best of it.

"I know you must be tired," Charles said. "You've missed the main serving of dinner but if you take a seat I'll get you something before I take you up to your chamber. Come up near the fire, you look frozen."

"Thank you," I said, clutching my bundle a little tighter as I meekly followed Charles through the great hall towards the tables closer to the huge, blazing fire. People were beginning to rise from the benches and leave, or mill around the hall talking, but I kept my head down and carefully watched my footing in the rushes spread across the floor. They were fresh and I caught the scent of herbs as my foot crushed a leaf here and there.

"Take a seat."

Charles pushed me gently towards the bench and I stumbled forward and sat down. Even at this distance I could feel the heat of the fire and my clothes began to steam gently. He disappeared for a moment and when he reappeared he laid a trencher laden with meats in front of me, alongside a goblet of wine. The smell of the spiced food was strong enough to make me feel almost dizzy as I realised how hungry I was. Taking my knife from my belt I began to eat.

Charles watched me for a few moments, a smile creeping across his face. "It's good to have you back here at the castle, Bella."

I gave him a small smile in return. At least my return to the endlessly overcast, gloomy remoteness of Castle Cullen was bringing pleasure to someone, even if it wasn't me.

The food was cold but good and I ate it gratefully. The warmth from the fire at my back began to seep through my damp, cold clothing and I dropped my cloak on the bench beside me so I could feel it more directly.

"I've had a fire lit in a chamber upstairs for you," Charles said diffidently. "If you want to come along now?"

I nodded and rose to my feet. Charles took my bundle and I took my wet cloak and followed him through the great hall and up a curving staircase. All along the way people called out to him, several of them adding greetings to me. I guessed Charles had been talking about my return; certainly I had changed enough since I'd left as a five year old that no one should remember me!

The chamber Charles showed me to was tiny, but it had a narrow window through which I could see the sky outside and, best of all, a fire crackling cheerfully in a brazier. With a grateful sigh I went and stood with my back to it, lacing my hands together behind my back to warm them too. Apart from the brazier there was an inviting looking bed, an upright chair and a chest against the far wall.

"Most of the other young ladies all sleep together but I thought you might prefer being on your own, at least until you find your feet," Charles said. "Let me know if you'd rather not."

"No, this is lovely thank you," I said, a little surprised at Charles' thoughtfulness. I had always slept alone, and the thought of having to share a chamber and a bed with strange girls made my stomach drop. A private chamber was a welcome luxury.

"I'll leave you to sleep," Charles said, a little awkwardly. "Garderobe is down the hall a ways…you'll see it."

"Thank you," I said again, giving a sigh of relief when he finally turned and left. Alone at last, I couldn't stop the tears that sprang to my eyes. I knew I would get used to things at Castle Cullen, but it was a long way from York and things were bound to be different and strange compared to my peaceful life there.

I let myself cry for a few moments, but it was too cold and I was too tired to really give into the misery and weep the way I felt like. Instead I opened my bundle and started to organise myself in my new home.

I searched out the privy and used it, then hurried back to my room. The brazier made the room a little smoky, but I welcomed the warmth and the ability to dry my clothes. From my bundle I withdrew my spare chemise and then stripped off my clothes, all of which were damp, sweaty and dirty after four days ride. They would need to be sponged clean, but I didn't know when or how I might manage that, so for the time being I arranged them over the end of the bed and the chair so that they might dry in the heat of the flames.

I combed my hair, and then finally I could crawl into the inviting looking bed. I was pleasantly surprised to feel a feather mattress rather than the lumpy wool one I had slept on in town, and the coverings felt clean and smelled like lavender. Snuggling down comfortably it didn't take me long to fall asleep.

When I woke the room was barely lighter than it had been in the middle of the night, the small patch of sky I could see being a flat, overcast grey. The fire had long since gone out and I shivered in the morning air. I was tempted to stay in bed, but knowing I had to get up and face the day I slid out from under the covers and dressed as quickly as I could, wearing my spare kirtle and gown. The ones I had worn on the journey were dry now, and I folded them neatly and laid them in the chest. My cloak was still damp and I let it continue airing over the chair as I left the room.

I made my way cautiously down the stairs and over to the great hall. Peering in the door I felt a quick flood of relief when I saw Charles, and I hurried over to join him.

"'Morning Bella," Charles said.

I dropped a quick curtsy. "Good morning."

"I'm glad you're up," he said. "We start the day with chapel here and I'm expected." Without waiting for a response he took my elbow and steered me out of the hall, through a stone passageway and into another, smaller hall. The crush of people made the room almost warm, and I stumbled over someone's feet and nearly fell as Charles propelled me along.

"Guess some things don't change, huh?" he said wryly, steadying me. "You still trip over your own feet."

I could feel a blush warming my cheeks, but Charles had by then pushed me to a space by the wall, and I straightened my gown without answering him.

"It's just prayers," Charles told me. "Not too long, and then there will be some breakfast served in the hall if you want it."

I nodded, but before I could say anything the room fell silent and people all pushed backwards to make a space for the Lord's family to walk through to the front. Being at the back of the crowd hampered my view, but the family were surprisingly tall and I could see the tops of their heads above the surrounding people. Some curly dark hair, several heads of bright golden blond…I wondered what they looked like.

The priest must have walked in with them, although I hadn't seen him, for he immediately mounted the dais and stood before the altar and the shuffling of people stilled as he lifted his voice in prayer. He was a small, slight man but his voice was surprisingly deep and strong and the short prayer service was more pleasant to listen to than I had expected.

Charles seemed keen to get to work and hustled me from the chapel and back into the great hall. The high table was deserted; breakfast not even set. Charlie saw where I was looking and said helpfully, "The family take their morning meal upstairs in their private rooms, so you don't have to wait. Come now, get yourself some breakfast and I'll see that some of the other young ladies give you a bit of looking after. Help you find your way around."

I took the bread and ale and then went unwillingly along with Charles as he headed towards a small group of girls who looked around my age.

"Lady Jocelyn?"

A slender girl with straight brown hair and a vivid, laughing face sprang to her feet and then curtsied deep. "Sir."

Charles shuffled a little uncomfortably. "This is my daughter. You've heard of her? She's come back to live here at the castle after some years away…I was wondering if you wouldn't be able to look out for her for a time? Just help her find her way around, and get into the routine of things?"

"Of course I would love to help!" Jocelyn gave me a bright smile. "Welcome, Lady Isabella!"

I wondered what Charles had said about me, and how many people here were going to call me Isabella, instead of the Bella I had always preferred.

"Thank you," Charles said, sounding relieved. He met my eyes and nodded. "I'll see you at dinner, Bella."

I slid onto the bench beside Jocelyn, concentrating on not spilling the ale. I was very conscious of her frank appraisal of me, and that of the other two girls as they eyed me with interest.

"I'm Lorelle," the taller girl said lazily. She had long, flat blond hair and looked at me without even the glimmer of a smile. I wondered how it was that I seemed to have offended her just by being introduced.

"That's Agnes," Jocelyn said, pointing to the soft, dark haired girl who smiled at me shyly. "And I'm Jocelyn, of course."

"I'm Bella," I said softly.

I gave them all an awkward smile. I wished Charles had just left me to find my way alone, rather than pushing me into being social right away

"Where have you been living?" Jocelyn asked directly.

"In York, with my aunt," I answered. I picked at my piece of bread. "She married, and so I came back here to live with Charles…my father."

"York!" Jocelyn looked impressed. "What was it like?"

I bit my lip anxiously. Now they would probably be expecting me to be sophisticated and confident and interesting, when I wasn't anything like that at all. My aunt and I had lived very quietly, in a small private house that was so different to this crowded castle.

"I liked it," I said at last. "The town is big and busy and noisy, but my aunt and I lived very quietly. We didn't really socialise a great deal."

Jocelyn didn't bother to hide her disappointment. "Oh. Well even so, you'll probably find it all very boring here at the castle after the excitement of town. You're the first new arrival since the Lord and his family came two years ago."

"What are they like?" I asked, hoping to turn the conversation away from me.

Jocelyn exchanged glances with Lorelle and Agnes. "They're…interesting," Jessica said at last. "Come, let's show you around and we'll tell you about them."


	2. Chapter 2 - The Lord's Family

_**Chapter 2 – The Lord's Family**_

I tripped as we left the main hall, blushing scarlet when Lorelle sniggered. Jocelyn smirked too, but took my arm and linked her elbow through mine. "Well, you've seen the great hall. I guess you must have slept in one of the guest chambers upstairs?" She gestured towards the staircase and I nodded.

"You're welcome to come in with us," Agnes offered shyly. "We have a bedchamber that we share with some of the younger girls, and Lady Esme watches over us."

Agnes seemed less pushy than Jocelyn and less superior than Lorelle, and I smiled at her gratefully. "Thank you, but I think I won't for the moment."

"Suit yourself," Jocelyn said. "Now, the private rooms of the Lord and his family are above the great hall. The entrance is behind the high table, but it won't matter…you won't ever go up there. Nobody ever goes into the family's private rooms." Jocelyn looked at me significantly.

I wondered if that was unusual. I didn't know how noble families were supposed to behave, but preferring privacy was something that I could understand.

"The kitchen wing is down there," Jocelyn told me, pointing down the corridor, "On the east side of the castle. The guest chambers and the bedchambers are up that staircase and the west wing has the chapel, and then next to it we have the small hall, and then the armoury." Jocelyn had been towing me along at a fairly rapid pace, but as we passed the armoury she slowed right down, her head cocked to hear the male voices inside.

"They're going to be practising at swords this morning," she said, sounding pleased. She continued leading me down the hallway, lit only by the weak light falling through the arched windows that looked into the courtyard. The hallway came to an end at a solid wooden door, and Lorelle pushed it open for us and we filed out into the courtyard.

"That corner of the castle is where the Lord's families keep their birdies," Jocelyn said, indicating.

"Birdies!" Agnes giggled. "Really Jocelyn, can you imagine what the Lady Rosalie would say if she heard you call her falcon a _birdie_?!" She smiled at me. "They hunt with falcons a lot. You'd better stay away from the mews, the birds are all very valuable and you wouldn't want to be responsible for upsetting them."

Jocelyn snorted. "Upsetting the birds or upsetting Lady Rosalie? I wouldn't want to be responsible for either one." Before she could say anything else the door behind us was pushed open and, amidst much laughter, talk and clanking of weaponry, several men came striding out into the courtyard.

One of them was Sir Hugh, the knight who had escorted me from York. Was it only the day before? I was so overcome by my lightning fast tour of the castle that it was hard to realise that only yesterday I had been on a horse, and only days before that I had been attending my aunt's wedding in York.

Hugh took a moment to bow. "Ladies."

We curtsied back. I caught several interested glances coming my way, and Sir Hugh must have noticed too because he sighed and said a little testily. "This is Lady Isabella, Charles the Steward's daughter. My lady, these are Sir Walter and Sir Berislav, and the squires, Elric, Merek and Benedict."

I curtsied again, mumbling a hello and a request that they call me Lady Bella. I didn't know how much good it would do, I had told Sir Hugh several times that I preferred Bella on our journey here, but he still insisted on my full name. I didn't want to be rude and I tried to smile in a friendly way, but I'm not sure how convincing I was. Everything was so new and strange that I didn't feel at all comfortable yet, and as an introvert I was never going to enjoy meeting so many new people so quickly.

Jocelyn's eyes were narrowed as she watched the squires appraise me with frank interest. I wondered if she had a particular interest in one of the knights or the squires, as she took my arm and tugged me slightly away. With a final bow of their heads the men walked into the courtyard and began organising themselves for sword practice, and Jocelyn sighed and led us all along the side wall.

"If we sit over here we can watch them for a time," she told me with a conspiratorial grin, sitting down on a stone bench and arranging the skirt of her gown. "Lady Esme doesn't really like us to, she thinks we should be doing something useful, not watching the men, but…" Jocelyn shrugged, as if the idea of doing something useful was too boring to even consider.

"Is Lady Esme…?"

"The Lady of the castle," Lorelle interrupted. "She's married to Lord Carlisle, and she takes quite an interest in all of us girls. Doesn't want anyone to misbehave and get in trouble." She giggled.

"What is the rest of the family like?" I asked curiously.

There was quite a long silence as I looked at them expectantly. Surely it wasn't that hard a question to answer?

"They're…a little strange," Jocelyn said hesitantly, her eyes darting around to make sure no one was within earshot. "Lady Esme is lovely, and Lord Carlisle is good too…he's a physician and helps everyone who falls ill or injures themselves, even the cottars who can't pay him a penny. Some of them give him goods in trade and some of them don't, but he helps them all just the same. But their children…they keep to themselves and barely talk to anyone."

"How many are there?" I asked, trying to remember how many people I had glimpsed proceeding into the chapel in the morning.

"Lord Emmett is the oldest, he's married to the Lady Rosalie. Lady Alice is married to Sir Jasper and then there's Lord Edward. He's not married to anyone, but you don't see him making eyes at any of the girls in the castle," Jocelyn sniffed. "It seems none of the girls here are good enough for a son of Castle Cullen."

Agnes smiled gently. "He might be betrothed, or perhaps he has interests elsewhere. You can't take it personally, Jocelyn."

"Who's taking it personally?" Jocelyn retorted, tossing her head. Her eyes fastened on the men who were now thrusting and parrying with swords in the centre of the courtyard, the two knights shouting instructions to the younger squires. "I have much better things to think about than the Lord Edward."

Lorelle made a disbelieving noise but said nothing, and Jocelyn focussed on the squires and their play fighting. "If we're lucky Lord Emmett and Lord Jasper will come out," she said to me absently. "They have the best skills…not just with swords, but with jousting and riding…everything."

"Lord Carlisle and Lord Edward are good too," Agnes put in. "But Lord Carlisle is more of a scholar, and when he's not tending to the sick he teaches the squires their letters. He leaves most of the physical training to the knights."

"Lady Bella!"

I heard my name called over the clattering of horses' iron shoes striking the cobbles of the yard and looked up. It was Jacob, the stable hand who had welcomed me upon my arrival the previous day. I smiled at him, surprised to feel genuine good feelings towards him as he swung off the saddle and bowed to me.

"Lady Bella, how are you? Finding your way about?"

I nodded. "Father introduced me, and so the girls are showing me around." I turned to Jocelyn, but she was staring at the squires with fixed intensity, deliberately ignoring Jacob.

Jacob smiled, a little embarrassed. "Well, if you want any help, let me know. I can take you out riding anytime, let you see some more of the estate." Ducking his head again, he turned and led the big courser across the courtyard.

"What on earth was _he_ doing coming over here to speak to us?" Lorelle said scornfully. "As if anyone wants to go riding with a _stable hand_!"

"Lorelle, be kind," Agnes said timidly. "Jacob has had a difficult time, and he works hard. He's not well-born, but…"

"But I still don't wish to be around him," Jocelyn said briskly, adding condescendingly, "Bella, I'm not telling you who you can and cannot have a friendship with, but there are better people for the daughter of Charles the Steward to be seen with."

"What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing is wrong with him, in his place," Jocelyn said practically. "His father was a cottar, his mother died in childbed, his two older sisters wed travellers and disappeared. Some years ago his father was crippled in an accident and Lord Carlisle felt sorry for him and took Jacob into the stable." She shrugged as though there were nothing more to say.

I took the hint and kept quiet, but I thought to myself that I didn't see any reason to shun Jacob. Certainly he wasn't a knight, or even a squire, but that was no reason to be rude to him.

The morning passed by as I sat with the girls, listening to their chatter and watching the happenings in the courtyard in fascination. It was constantly busy: the knights and squires practising their swordsmanship, men and horses coming and going from the stables, children scampering about, and several enormous deerhounds wandering through all the activity.

The dinner hour arrived and everyone began moving towards the great hall. I made my way along with the crowd, taking a seat at one of the long tables between Jocelyn and Agnes. As the Lord and his family filed in to sit at the high table I looked up at them at interest.

They didn't look anything alike. The Lord, who seemed barely older than his own children, was tall and fair with a kind, intelligent face. His wife sat beside him, looking up at him with a sweet smile as they talked.

One of the other men was the largest man I'd ever seen, his hair dark and curly and his body broad and heavily muscled. Another was just as tall but leaner, his long hair a dark honey blond. The last one was slighter, his bronze hair untidy, as though carelessly rumpled with a hand.

Unusually for a married lady, one of the girls had her hair out, caught back in an elaborately jewelled circlet. As she tossed her head and the rush light behind her made all the golden glints in it shine I thought perhaps I knew why. Not that I could blame her. She was the most exquisite person I had ever seen. The other lady was beautiful too, in a very different way. Tiny and delicate, I could barely see her over the crowd even raised up on the dais as she was, but she had a bewitchingly pretty face as she smiled at her husband beside her.

For a moment all I could do was stare, because while they were all different they were also bizarrely, stunningly the same. All of them with pale skin that looked like polished alabaster. All of them with dark eyes, bruised purplish shadows obvious beneath them. All of their features angular and perfect. All different, yet all the same…each of them was breathtakingly, inhumanly beautiful.

"That's Lord Carlisle and the Lady Esme, in the centre," Jocelyn whispered to me, seeing the direction of my gaze. "The big, dark one is Lord Emmett and the blonde is Lady Rosalie. Lady Alice is the small lady and that's her husband, Sir Jasper. Lord Edward is the youngest, there on the end."

As if he had heard his name, Lord Edward raised his head and looked down the hall. His eyes passed over Jocelyn and I with little interest, but I felt my cheeks burn. Lord Edward was like the prince and knight of every fairy tale rolled into one, with his smooth skinned, handsome face and glorious bronze mane of hair. Of all the beauty on display at the high table, his was the only one that caught at my heart and made it pound.

"They're…not quite what I expected," I said at last, not sure how else to put my feelings into words. "They're very lovely to look at."

"Oh _well_ , I suppose so," Jocelyn said critically, as the feast was laid in front of us. "Not that it seems to matter to _them_! Hardly any socialising, no hunting parties or guests or dances… You'd think with all the beautiful gowns Lady Rosalie has that she'd want to show them off, and the Lords would do absolutely splendidly at a tournament, but they all seem to like being boring."

I glanced back at the high table, hiding my smile. I could already tell that Jocelyn liked nothing more then gossiping and entertainment, and I wasn't surprised that she found the apparent disinterest of the Lord's family in providing it for her to be very piquing. Up on the dais Lord Edward, half turned away, was smiling too.

"They enjoy their own company," Agnes said, a little more diplomatically. "It's true that you mightn't see much of them. They eat their morning meal in their private rooms, and they spend a lot of time up there. Lord Carlisle has a very extensive library, and they all read."

My heart jumped at the thought of a library. I was blessed to have lived with my aunt, an educated woman who had taught me to read from the time I was a small girl. I realised it was unlikely that I would have any access to the Lord's books, but knowing that there was at least some reading material in the castle gave me a little hope.

"They hunt a lot," Jocelyn added, wrinkling her nose. "They have the birds of course, but the ladies will even go out with the men when they take the deerhounds or they're hunting boar."

I couldn't imagine the beautiful Lady Rosalie or the diminutive Lady Alice out boar hunting. But then, all of them had a kind of ethereal beauty that made them look almost above such base, earthy pursuits.

I tried to concentrate on my food and on the conversation, but my attention kept drifting back to the Lord's table. They sat there on high, impossibly beautiful, nearly all of them looking bored as they played with their food. Several enormous deerhounds slunk about the table and ate scraps tossed to them by the family. I was a little surprised to see the Lord Emmett toss what looked like a whole bird at a couple of the dogs, who immediately snarled and fell upon it, tearing it apart between them. I could imagine the two beasts hunting, and shuddered.

"Bella?"

I was nearly finished when I heard Charles saying my name. Hastily swallowing the last of my wine I turned and looked up at him.

"Are you finished? Because I ought to introduce you to Lord Carlisle and Lady Esme," he said.

I scrambled off the bench and brushed anxiously at the crumbs on my dress. "Do I look suitable?"

Charles looked a little bemused. "You look fine…come along."

He led me the length of the hall and up the steps to the dais, me just praying I wouldn't trip as I followed in his wake. At the top of the steps I paused, my heart beating nervously, as the Lord and his lady rose from the table and came across to greet us.

My eyes lowered, I curtsied as Charles said, "My Lord, my Lady, this is my daughter Bella who has come to live here at the castle."

"Greetings Lady Bella."

I dared to lift my eyes. Up close their beauty was even more startling, as I took in the smooth skin and perfect white teeth, and the eyes so deep and dark they were almost black. "Thank you, my Lord. My lady."

"It's lovely to have you here," Lady Esme said melodically. "If we can do anything to help you settle in you must let us know."

"Thank you."

"I don't know how I would run the castle without Charles as my steward to help manage my affairs," Lord Carlisle said, an amused lilt in his voice. "I'm delighted to meet his daughter at last, Lady Bella."

I smiled at him shyly, lifting a hand to brush my hair back behind my shoulders. And at that moment Lord Edward came up behind them and my whole world rocked on its axis as I took in the look on his face.

His face was taut with what I could only describe as rage. His nostrils flared as his lips pressed together and his coal black eyes blazed with what looked like fury. For a moment the only thought in my terrified, confused mind was that this perfectly exquisite man meant to kill me.

* * *

 _A/N – I thought I'd say that this story is set in 1348/1349. And I am not a medieval scholar by any means, I like reading about the period but I'm not an expert so I'm apologising in advance for any mistakes. Thanks for reading and I welcome any comments or questions!_


	3. Chapter 3 - Lord Edward

_**Chapter 3 – Lord Edward**_

Stepping back I nearly stumbled off the dais, only the quick reflexes of the Lord Carlisle catching me with a strong arm across my back stopped my humiliating display.

"I'm sorry!" I gasped, trying to look past him at Lord Edward and seeing only the back of his bronze hair as he vanished into the family's private quarters. Lady Alice, moving with an astonishing fluidity and grace, darted after him. _What on earth was happening?_

"It's quite all right," Lord Carlisle said kindly, setting me firmly upright on my feet.

Lady Esme suddenly seemed distracted, fidgeting a little and then smiling at me vaguely. "The ladies usually gather together to do the sewing in the afternoon," she said to me. "Perhaps you should come along too…but if you'll excuse me for the minute, I must go."

I curtsied, but she had already turned and was hurrying away. Lord Carlisle frowned after her and then bowed to me. "Perhaps I should go too…Lady Bella, it was a delight to meet you."

I mumbled a goodbye and curtsied, and then looked helplessly at Charles, who was looking completely bemused.

"That's…well, that's Lord Carlisle and Lady Esme," he said at last, with a resigned shrug. "They can be a little…but there, they're good people and we're lucky to have them."

Lucky to have them…my mind conjured up the black fury of Lord Edward and I quailed. What had happened? What could I possible have done to arouse a loathing of such an apparent intensity? We hadn't even been introduced!

"You'll get to know everyone more in time," Charles went on. "It's a friendly place and there are good people here. The girls are looking after you all right?"

I nodded and Charles looked relieved. I got the impression that although he was happy to have me by him again, he didn't really know what to do with an almost-adult daughter. My vague memories of him involved riding on his shoulders while he took care of things in the castle, and being led out on a pony to ride in the fields. We'd come a long way from there, but it had been done separately and now we had to find some common ground.

The thought of riding reminded me of Jacob, and I mentioned his name to my father. "Jacob came and spoke to me today. From the stables? He remembered me from when I was here before and offered to take me out riding to see the estate."

"Oh, Jake's a good boy," Charlie said with a nod. "Nice boy- hard worker and good manners. You'll be safe with him if you want to go riding; he's an excellent shot with a bow. Can give most of the young squires a run for their money there."

"The other girls didn't seem to like him," I ventured.

Charles frowned a little. "People look down on him because of his family, but they've been farming here longer than most. Jacob's talented with the horses and with Lord Carlisle in charge it wouldn't surprise me if he worked his way up to yeoman one day." He looked past me. "Lady Jocelyn's waving for you…are things well with the young ladies? You're sure they're taking care of you?"

I shrugged. "They're friendly."

"Good. Well, I've got work to do now, so perhaps you should just run along." Frowning in the direction the Lord's family had taken, Charles shook his head and stumped away.

It seemed that all the ladies were expected up in the sewing room of an afternoon. I went back to my chamber and fetched my embroidery hoop and trailed unenthusiastically along after Jocelyn. I didn't mind too much sewing with my aunt, she knew me and didn't worry when I pricked my fingers and tangled my threads and accidently sewed my embroidery work to my gown, but I dreaded showing off my incompetence in front of strangers.

The sewing chamber was large and surprisingly airy, with several looms of different sizes and a large selection of chairs and benches adorned with cushions, on which women sat stitching industriously. Jocelyn introduced me to all the older women of the castle, and I curtsied until my knees ached as I murmured greetings. It was almost a relief when I was finally able to take a seat and open up my sewing.

"What are you working on?" Agnes asked shyly.

I flushed a little and showed her the cushion cover I had been embroidering for approximately a year. The results were well enough, my eagle-eyed aunt had seen to that, but I was so slow! Not to mention all the mistakes I inevitably made…

But Agnes seemed sincere in her compliments as she examined it. She had a torn child's tunic on her lap that she was to mend, and I learned that she had twin brothers whose clothes always needed attention. "I'd rather do some fancy work," she admitted to me, "But mother needs the help."

As I began my slow and painstaking embroidery my mind went back to the bewildering behaviour of Lord Edward. What could I possibly have done to cause such offence? Did he usually act in such a manner? I was trying to think of a means of bringing up the subject of the young lord with Agnes and perhaps learning something from her, when the door opened and Lady Esme came striding in.

There was a chorus of greetings, and then she went around the room, stopping to chat with each group of ladies. I bit my lip and felt myself blushing when she bent down beside Agnes, Jocelyn, Lorelle and I.

"Good afternoon girls," she said. "It's lovely to see you taking care of Lady Bella." Her eyes rested on me for a minute, a question in their dark depths.

"It's quite all right Lady Esme," Jocelyn said cheerfully.

"That's some pretty work, Bella," Lady Esme complimented. "Are you settling in?"

"Yes thank you, my lady," I murmured. _Apart from wondering what I've done to make your son look like he wants to kill me!_

Looking faintly puzzled, Lady Esme went and sat beside some of the other ladies and began her own work, some exquisite embroidery on what looked like a new altar cloth. Everyone else also bent to their work industriously, and room filled with the hum of quiet chatter.

I couldn't stop thinking about Lord Edward. I was dreading having to see him at supper, and my stomach tightened even more with anxiety when I entered the great hall and Charles beckoned me to eat with him. He ate at the table directly below the high table, and I knew I would not be able to hide sitting there.

As I sat I risked a quick glance at the high table and the family sitting there, only to have a feeling of relief flood me as I saw the empty chair at the far end. At the same time I felt an unaccountable stab of disappointment. Where was he?

I barely ate any supper, my mind a whirl of confusion. Above me at the high table there was a low and unintelligible murmur of conversation, and several times I felt the back of my neck prickling, as though someone was staring at me.

 _What is this place I've come to? What's happening here?_

* * *

The next few days were a jumble of new people and new experiences. Life in the castle was very different to the quiet and routine life I had led with my aunt. In the castle there were always things going on, little dramas and incidents that had everyone gossiping, everyone curious to know everything about everyone.

I missed my aunt. I missed the quiet of our home, the books I had had to read, being able to sit and think without interruption or demands to explain myself. In the castle I felt constantly out of step, not quite fitting in to the bustle and busyness of life.

I tried to fit in. Jocelyn and Agnes and Lorelle were more than happy to take me along with them and include me in their activities. I sewed and helped in the kitchen gardens with the other girls under the watchful eye of Lady Esme or the head housekeeper, Mistress Hildegard. We went walking outside the castle walls, collecting some of the wild herbs and edible plants for the cooks. We watched the knights and the squires practising swords and jousting and lances and archery. But all the time I couldn't help feeling as though I were floundering, trying to find solid footing in this strange new world.

At first I was apprehensive about seeing Lord Edward. The thought of his dark stare made my stomach feel tight with nerves, and every time I walked into the great hall I had to take a deep breath and prepare myself to act unconcerned. But the days slipped past and his chair remained empty and the rumour swept the castle that he had gone to visit relatives, and I finally began to relax.

One day I finally found a means to be alone. Slipping away from Jessica one afternoon with the excuse of going to the privy I climbed the stairs further than I had before until I came out on the roof of the castle. Even with the cloudy, overcast day obscuring the distant fields in mist I gasped at the view. On a sunny day it must have been absolutely spectacular.

The wall around the roof space was crenelated, and I walked over to one of the spaces for a fuller view. Constructed for taller knights or archers than I was, I had to hitch up my dress and dig my toes into the stones, until I could support my weight on my arms and lean out further to see.

I looked down, feeling a little dizzy at the height. The walls of the castle were streaked with refuse from the garderobes and I looked away, wrinkling my nose. The view beyond was much more absorbing, and I took in the patchwork of fields and gardening plots, as well as the long sweep of meadow and the forest beyond.

"What are you doing? Get down at once!"

Startled, I slipped backwards off the wall, banging my knee painfully against the stone as I dropped ungracefully to the ground. "Ouch! What do you…? _Oh._ "

It was Lord Edward. Immaculately dressed in leather hose and a rich, blue woollen tunic he stood glowering at me.

"I was in no danger," I said stiffly, horribly conscious of the streak of dirt on the skirt of my gown where I had scraped against the mossy stones. "You startled me."

His face changed, relaxing a little until he was almost smiling. "Forgive me, I didn't mean to frighten you. I don't believe we've been introduced…I'm Edward. And you're Lady Bella? I believe that you prefer it to Isabella?"

I curtsied as gracefully as possible, knowing I probably looked like a pecking chicken. "Yes, thank you my Lord."

"Why is that? Isabella is a beautiful name."

"Isabella was my aunt. I lived with her…it was easier to have different names."

"I see," he said, his voice beautifully rich and smooth. He looked at the wall behind me and enquired, "May I ask what you were doing on the wall? It's not safe for you to be leaning over so far."

I flushed. Had he somehow noticed my embarrassing clumsiness? Surely most people could lean over a chest high wall without being in danger of tumbling over it!

"I was just looking," I said at last. "I haven't been up here before, and the view…I was just looking."

I risked a glance at his glorious face, surprised to see that his eyes, focused intently on my face, were a beautiful golden amber colour. Hadn't they been dark, the other day that I'd seen him? I was sure they had been, in fact the dark eyes had been the only family resemblance and so I had noted it. Admittedly the light in the great hall had not been bright, but there was no way that shadows could make eyes so beautifully light as his now were look dark.

"Why are you frowning at me?" Lord Edward asked, looking at me with an uneasy curiosity.

"I was looking at your eyes," I said simply, too flustered by his nearness to think up a less embarrassing lie. "They're a very unusual colour…I'm surprised I didn't notice them the other day."

Lord Edward frowned, more as though he were perplexed than as if he were angry. But then he smoothed his brows and he smiled at me, and if I'd been flustered before now I was positively dazzled. It was the smile of an angel, and in my whole life I had never seen anything so perfectly beautiful.

"I wish to apologise for the other day," he said sincerely. "It was disgracefully rude of me to behave in such a way, and I do hope you will forgive me."

"I…didn't even notice," I stuttered. "I hadn't…you've been away?"

A shadow passed across Lord Edward's face. "Yes, I was visiting relatives." He continued to gaze at me thoughtfully, but when I looked down I noticed his hands were clenched tight, the tendons standing out against his alabaster skin.

"Why did you come here?" he asked abruptly.

I stared at him, bewildered. "Up to the roof? I was hoping for some privacy…"

Lord Edward smiled thinly. "I seem to have ruined that for you…"

"Oh no, my Lord, I didn't mean…" I blushed furiously.

"I meant why did you come here to Castle Cullen?" he said through his teeth.

I looked across the grey, misty landscape wondering miserably what I was doing to make this conversation go so badly. "I lived in York with my aunt. It was just the two of us for a long time, but then she married."

"And sent you away?" Lord Edward looked at me keenly.

"I sent myself," I said defensively. "My aunt loves me, she would never have sent me away."

"Then why?" Lord Edward said, frustration clear in his tone. "You sound less than overjoyed to be here…why would you come if you didn't have to? Did you not like your new uncle?"

I shook my head. "No, it wasn't that. But they were newlyweds…I thought they would be happier having some time to themselves. So when my father suggested to my aunt that now that I was nearly grown I should return to him here at the castle, I agreed to come."

"But if you didn't wish to live here…it seems a very selfless move."

"My aunt deserves to be happy. And Charles is my father, it's my duty to be with him if he asks." I shrugged and then looked at him again. "Why does it concern you?"

"That's the question, isn't it?" Lord Edward murmured thoughtfully, and looked at me with his piercing gaze. "Be careful up here." And then with a quick, graceful bow he turned and strode across the roof towards the stairs, leaving me staring after him in bewilderment.


	4. Chapter 4 - A Dangerous Moment

_**Chapter 4 – A Dangerous Moment**_

I slept badly that night, tossing and turning in the feather bed, haunted by dreams of being swallowed up by a blackness so deep and dark I knew there was no way free from it.

I was tired and heavy eyed the next morning, and my head ached as I stood quietly at the back of the crowd for chapel. I was grateful that the Lord's family didn't attend the breakfast meal. Instead I ate my bread and drank my ale in the company of Jocelyn, Agnes and Lorelle, all of whom were involved in an animated discussion about the relative merits of the squires' looks and personalities.

"Not that it matters in the end," Lorelle said practically. "Father has said he has a match in mind for me, and it's someone with land, not a knight."

"True," Jocelyn nodded. "I'm sure my father feels the squires are far too young, even if we wait a few years until they're knighted. If he is willing to make a match with a knight it will be someone older, like Sir Berislav or Sir Hugh."

Remembering my four day journey with the taciturn Sir Hugh, I kept quiet. I couldn't imagine being wed to him.

"I wish I could marry for love," Agnes said wistfully. "Like Lord Carlisle's children did…they all seem so happy."

"I've heard that Lady Rosalie was from a wealthy and powerful family though, so perhaps it was arranged and it's only luck that she and Lord Emmett love each other. Lady Alice loved Sir Jasper though, marrying a knight was definitely below her. But Lords and Ladies can get away with anything," Jocelyn said briskly. "Even behaving as shamelessly as the Lord Emmett and Lady Rosalie do sometimes! No, I think it's probably more realistic to hope that I am at least married to a good man who is kind and that I can be fond of." She looked at me. "What about you, Bella? Are you promised to anyone?"

I shook my head. "No." In truth it wasn't a subject I had ever given any thought too. Perhaps it was growing up with my single aunt, who was under the protection of my father, but I had never really considered marriage. It was disturbing to think that Charles may have plans made for my future that I wasn't aware of, and I made a mental note to talk to him.

"Let's go outside," Jocelyn said, rising to her feet.

"I'm just going to run along to the kitchen," I said. "I have a headache and I want to see if Mistress Hildegard has some chamomile tea. I'll be out later."

Mistress Hildegard did have some chamomile tea and took pity on me, giving me a little lavender bag to lay over my eyes while I waited for the tea to brew. It was warm and sweet smelling, and by the time I had finished it I did indeed feel better.

I could hear the clash of swords as I made my way to the courtyard, louder and faster than normal. I was surprised to see Lord Emmett and Sir Jasper, both wearing light leather armour, their swords a blur as they fought. I had never seen the two of them at swords, and I was awed by the skill and grace of the two big men.

I couldn't help wondering whether Lord Edward would take a turn and glanced around the courtyard to see if he was there, finding him, Lady Alice and Lady Rosalie over by the far wall. Lady Rosalie had her hair dressed in braids held coiled over her ears by a jewelled fillet, and Lady Alice wore a simpler veil over her head. I was shocked to see that her hair underneath was short, and wondered if she had had an illness recently. Both of them were smiling at the men at swords, whispering between them while Lord Edward stood silently beside them, his arms folded as he watched the match intently.

I was so busy watching them that it took me a moment to react when I first heard the shouts, and then when I looked up the sight in front of me was so terrifying that I simply froze. A horse, one of the large cart horses, had come careering in through the gatehouse, clearly out of control and was now headed straight towards me. I could hear Jocelyn shrieking and several of the men shouting, and as I saw the horses foam flecked muzzle I opened my own mouth to scream.

The next minutes were a blur. For a moment I thought there was no hope for me, but then with a rush of wind the Lord Edward caught me up in his arms and swept me out of the path of the horse, knocking my head hard against the stone wall behind me. The horse changed direction and the cart behind it skidded towards us. My eyes widened in terror as Lord Edward, unable to move the two of us out of the way in time, turned his body to mine and shielded me from the oncoming cart. I thought we'd be killed and I braced myself for impact, but in front of my incredulous eyes the cart simply shattered as it came in contact with Lord Edward's back.

 _How is this possible?_

A moment later we were inundated with the crowd of people who had been in the courtyard at the same time.

"My Lord, lady Bella, are you hurt?" Sir Hugh extended a hand, his face lined in concern. "What can we do?"

Jocelyn's face was shining with excitement. "How did you escape? I thought you were going to be killed!"

I looked dizzily around at all the faces looming around me. It wasn't the blow to my head, which had really been little more than a knock, that had me so flummoxed, it was the sheer unreality of what I had seen Lord Edward do. Not just having the cart smash to matchsticks against his back, but the fact that he had been at my side at all. He had been standing over with Lady Rosalie and Lady Alice…how could he possibly have reached me so quickly?

Two of the faces in the crowd pushed forward. It was his brothers, Lord Emmett and Sir Jasper, who barely even looked at me as they focussed on Lord Edward.

"Edward…" Lord Emmett said, leaning on his sword.

"It's fine," Lord Edward interrupted, his voice hard. "It's fortunate I was here. But the lady Bella has had a blow to her head, and I think Carlisle ought to examine her." Without a word he placed an arm behind my knees and scrooped me into his arms. "I shall take her to the infirmary, if you would be so good as to find Carlisle as ask him to attend her."

He didn't wait for an answer, carrying me away across the courtyard. I was glad to be away from the circle of staring faces, but I was mortified to have the Lord Edward carrying me.

"I can walk," I said, struggling a little. "You don't have to carry me, and I surely don't need Lord Carlisle to examine me."

His grip didn't shift an inch. "Nonsense. You had a blow to your head and quite a shock…we need to make sure you're not badly hurt."

I bit my lip, and then said softly, "What happened back there? You got over to me so fast…"

"What are you talking about? I was right beside you." Lord Edward's voice rang with conviction.

"No, you were over with Lady Alice and Lady Rosalie," I insisted. "I saw you…"

"You're confused. It's understandable, people often misremember things after a shock."

Lord Edward carried me into the castle, along the corridor towards the kitchen and into a small room I had never seen before. It held three beds along one wall, a table and two chairs, and several cabinets full of glass jars, boxes and small gauze bags. The room smelled of the clean, fresh scent of herbs.

"This is Carlisle's infirmary," Lord Edward said briefly. "He's a physician…you're in good hands."

He laid me down on the bed, where I immediately attempted to sit up.

"Lie down," he ordered, and then his face softened into a crooked smile. "Please. It will make me feel better if you lie down until Carlisle has seen you."

Disarmed by the smile I did as he asked. I wanted to ask him again about how he had reached my side so quickly, and how to explain the cart breaking _against_ his body instead of _breaking_ his body, but before I could find the words to ask about something that seemed so far-fetched, there were footsteps in the hall and then Lord Carlisle entered the room.

"Lady Bella," he said with an easy smile. "Emmett tells me there was some excitement in the courtyard. A runaway horse?"

"Yes," I said, adding, "I'm lucky that Edward was there. I could have been crushed."

"She hit her head when I pushed her out of the way," Lord Edward said.

"Indeed, it sounds like a dangerous situation," Lord Carlisle agreed, lighting a candle and coming over to my side. "Let's make sure you're not badly hurt."

He had me sit up and he moved the candle in front of my eyes. I had no idea what he was doing. Then he ran his hands over my head, and I winced as he found the tender patch where I had struck the stone. He parted my hair to look closer, and then smoothed it back into place with surprisingly gentle hands.

"I think you need not worry," he said with a smile. "I suspect you'll have a big lump there later, but no permanent damage. Does it hurt now?"

"A little bit," I admitted.

Lord Carlisle nodded understandingly. "Just rest here for a moment and I'll get you some willow bark tea."

He left us alone and I looked at Lord Edward, trying to piece together what had happened. He _had_ been standing across the courtyard; I had seen him. He had snatched me out of the way, and then he had used his body to shield me from the cart. Then when it was over, the way Lord Emmett had spoken to him with no trace of concern for his brother's safety and the look I had caught on Lady Rosalie's face as Edward carried me past, a look of anger. I _wasn't_ crazy, there _was_ something going on here.

"You weren't standing near me," I said determinedly. "You were over by the ladies. I saw you."

"Lady Bella, you're confused. You don't know what you saw." Lord Edward's face was set.

"No."

"Can you not just leave this alone? You weren't hurt…isn't that enough?"

I flinched away from the anger in his tone, but shook my head. "There's something going on…I think you owe me an explanation."

"I saved your life. I don't owe you anything," Lord Edward said cuttingly.

I bit my lip hard, feeling tears threatening and not wanting them to fall. "Why won't you tell me? You know there's something going on, and you know that I didn't hit my head that hard."

"What do you think happened?" Lord Edward's voice was hard.

I hesitated in front of his stone-faced anger, but then said in a rush. "You weren't anywhere near me…I saw you over by the ladies. Everyone was watching the swords, and then the horse and cart came in and suddenly you were beside me, pushing me out the way. You shielded me from the cart, which smashed to pieces but you're not hurt at all, not even a splinter…"

I could hear how ridiculous it sounded and my voice trailed off. But ridiculous or not, it was true and he had to know it.

"No one will believe that story," Lord Edward said flatly.

"I don't expect they will," I said stonily. "But I'm not going to tell anyone."

Surprise flitted across his face. "Then why does it matter?"

"Because I will be lying for you," I said. "And I'd like to know why."

Lord Edward paced impatiently across the room. "Shouldn't you just say thank you and let it go?"

"Thank you. Now will you explain? I'm not going to forget about this until you tell me what happened."

"Then you're going to be very disappointed."

We scowled at each other, and who knows what would have been said next if Lord Carlisle had not come in, bearing a steaming cup in his hands. "Willow bark tea," he said to me. "It's the best thing for pain like this. Drink it up."

I took the tea and sipped it, wondering what would happen if I blurted out the story to Lord Carlisle. Did he know about whatever secret his son was hiding?

"Bella!" There were pounding footsteps in the hallway and then Charles came bursting through the door. "Bella! I heard…are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I said calmly. "Just a little bump on the head, that's all."

Charles face was flushed with his run to the infirmary. "I saw the smashed remains of the cart…I'll kill that carter! Letting a horse get out of control like that!"

"Honestly, I'm really okay," I said, trying to stop his fuss. "I was lucky; Lord Edward was there and he pushed me out of the way and the cart just missed us and smashed against the wall." I was looking at Charles, but I could feel Lord Edward's eyes on the back of my head.

"It was just a mild blow to the head," Lord Carlisle said comfortingly to Charles. "She's going to have a big bump and probably a headache, but it's not serious. I'd suggest you go to bed for the rest of the day though Lady Bella, and have a rest."

I made a face into the cup of willow bark tea.

"I'll see to it," Charles said gruffly. "Bella, when they told me you'd been caught up with the runaway horse…I'm so glad to see that you're not badly hurt."

There was a noise at the door then, and I saw Jocelyn, Lorelle and Agnes peering around. They smiled and curtsied to Lord Carlisle and then Jocelyn said importantly, "We just wanted to see how Bella was."

"You don't need to make a fuss," I said anxiously. "I'm fine, truly. Lord Edward was just being overly cautious." I glared at him.

"But how did you escape?"

"We thought you'd be _killed!_ "

I sighed and began to repeat my story. "Lord Edward was there and he pulled me away. The cart just missed us."

"I didn't even see him there until after the cart was all smashed up…how _lucky_ ," Jocelyn said in awe.

Desperate to get away from the attention of the girls and to have some space to sort out my confused thoughts I quickly finished the willow bark tea and acquiesced to Lord Carlisle's suggestion that I spend the day in bed.

After Charles had walked me to my chamber and I had convinced him he could go about his usual business and that I would be fine on my own, I unlaced my gown and then my kirtle, and slipped into bed in my chemise. The bed was soft and comfortable, and after my disturbed night and then the bump on the head I really was tired. It didn't take me long to slip into sleep.

That was the first time I dreamed about Lord Edward.


	5. Chapter 5 - Stay Away

_**Chapter 5 – Stay Away**_

The dream was dark, thick and heavy darkness that pressed on my chest until I could barely breathe with the weight and terror of it. Into this darkness came a faint light, emanating from Edward's beautiful face as he looked at me expressionlessly. I called for him but, betraying no emotion, he only turned and walked away, and I could not catch him no matter how fast I ran.

I woke up breathing hard, fighting to get air into lungs that felt like they were burning. As I began to calm down I became aware that something had changed and my eyes fell on the chair, atop which lay a book and a sheet of parchment.

Scrambling over to it I snatched up the parchment and read it, my eyes wide with disbelief.

 _Lady Bella,_

 _I have learned that you read. Perhaps this will help keep you occupied while resting._

 _Your Servant, Edward C_

I picked up the book and turned it slowly in my hands, feeling the smooth leather cover and bindings before I opened it, breathing in the scent of the cover and pages. Dante's _Inferno._

I had heard of the book, a translation from the Latin of the tale of Dante's journey through Hell. It was supposed to be a tale about the nine circles of Hell, and the recognition and rejection of sin on man's pilgrimage to God. I couldn't help but wonder why Edward had chosen this book. Was he trying to tell me something?

Gently, thoughtfully, I turned the leaves to the beginning of the book and began to read.

* * *

I was horrified to find, when I rose from my bed the next day, that the incident with the runaway horse and cart was all anyone was talking about. Practically everyone, from Mistress Hildegard in the kitchen to the dirtiest of the cottar's children, came up to ask me about my narrow escape.

I told the story I had told Charles and Jocelyn; I had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. The horse had been heading for me but Lord Edward had managed to rush in and sweep me out of the way, just in time. I tried to sound convincing, and I think I did because no one questioned me.

At first I couldn't understand why no one else had noticed Lord Edward standing over by Lady Rosalie and Lady Alice. Then I realised, embarrassed, that no one else was as aware of him as I was. No one else watched him the way I did, deliciously, disturbingly, aware of his proximity. I was the only one obsessed with him.

I tried to play up Lord Edward's role in rescuing me from danger, but oddly enough no one was very interested in his side of the story. None of the people who stopped me to ask what happened asked Lord Edward. I began to see more clearly the way the family kept themselves at a distance, especially the younger ones, and the way that everyone in the castle was wary of them. It was more than just the distance of respect for a titled family, there was something extra to it and I couldn't help but wonder what. Was it related to whatever had made him able to rescue me and remain unhurt himself?

I watched his family too, puzzled at their cool indifference to the rest of the castle inhabitants. Lady Esme spent time in the sewing room most days, and Lord Carlisle worked with my father to run the estate as well as tending to any illness or injury that occurred. But the Lady Rosalie and Lord Emmett, Lady Alice and Sir Jasper all kept themselves aloof. The younger ladies appeared in the sewing chamber sporadically, and when they did they sat together and seldom spoke to anyone but each other. Lord Emmett and Sir Jasper played at swords and jousting and went hunting frequently, but again it was only with each other or Lord Edward. The training of the squires was left almost entirely to the older, experienced knights like Sir Hugh and Sir Berislav.

As for me, over the next weeks Lord Edward behaved as though I didn't even exist. He sat at the high table at meals, directly in my line of sight, but his eyes never met mine. He passed me in the corridors with nothing but a frosty bow, and seemed to avoid me whenever possible. There were days when I didn't see him at all.

But one day came when I had had enough of constant company. I excused myself from the sewing chamber, leaving my embroidery with its hopelessly tangled threads, and I escaped up to the roof. Much to my consternation I found Lord Edward there, gazing across the fields under an overcast sky. Clearly I was not the only one that found the peace and quiet of the roof space restful. Rather than turn and run I paused for a moment, admiring the beautiful lines of his body and the gleam of bronze in his hair. But before I could quietly leave, unseen, he turned to face me.

"Lady Bella," he said courteously, bowing.

"Lord Edward." I curtsied in response.

There was an awkward silence, until I remembered Dante's _Inferno._ "I've finished your book. I meant to return it, but you seem to have been avoiding me." I couldn't stop the slight note of resentment in my voice.

"You think I've been avoiding you?"

"Are you saying you haven't been?"

"Perhaps I have," he said with a touch of sadness. "I know it's rude, but it's better this way, honestly."

"I don't understand," I said softly, staring at his perfect face. His eyes, that had been a deep topaz last time I spoke to him, were now a golden amber.

"If I have been distant, it's only for you own good. You and I, Lady Bella…we cannot be friends. I must keep my distance from you." His voice was cutting.

My heart thudded and tears stung my eyes. To be rejected outright by this paragon made me feel painfully inadequate.

"Well I'm sorry you didn't realise this earlier," I snapped, my voice cracking. "Then you could have saved yourself the trouble."

"The trouble?"

"Of rescuing me. The horse could have killed me and I wouldn't have been a problem for you any longer."

"You think I regret saving you?" he said incredulously. "You think it would be easier for me if you were _dead?_ "

"I know it…you certainly act as though that were true."

"You know nothing," he said through clenched teeth. "Nothing at all of what I think and feel."

"Fine," I hissed, now equally as angry. "I know nothing." And turning around I flounced back towards the staircase, my dramatic exit marred as I tripped over an uneven stone and nearly stumbled. I regained my feet in a moment, but the damage had been done and I heard a light chuckle from behind me as I stamped down the stairs.

I went to the ladies' chamber, where I was expected back for the sewing, but I got little work done. Beside me Jocelyn, Agnes and Lorelle were discussing the plans for Lorelle's new gown but I sat quietly, fuming inwardly.

As I untangled my threads and unpicked knots and stitches where I had made mistakes, I played over the conversation between Lord Edward and myself. Ruminating on his words my anger turned gradually to despair. He thought we shouldn't be friends. He wasn't interested in me…but how could he be? He was a lord. He was beautiful and mysterious and extraordinary, and I was just me. Just Bella, quiet and clumsy and always out of step with the world. Why on earth would a lord be at all interested in anything I had to say? I burned with humiliation…how could I have ever even entertained the thought of more?

Tears prickled in my eyes and I blinked them away furiously. I couldn't let any of the other ladies see me crying. Especially not today, when Lady Alice and Lady Rosalie were in the room too, stitching at elaborately embroidered gowns and occasionally murmuring to each other in low voices. So Lord Edward didn't want to be friends, maybe even regretted saving my life…what could I do other than ignore him myself? Try and ignore the way my heart felt bigger whenever I saw that beautiful face, try and forget about the way he made me feel when I was standing beside him. Live my days here at Castle Cullen until the time came that I could leave, and not think about Lord Edward ever again.

Days passed, and one thing changed. Lord Edward no longer seemed to be avoiding me. Instead he appeared to be studying me like an insect under a magnifying glass. He didn't come near me, but I often felt his eyes on me. It made me self conscious, and even clumsier than usual, and my embarrassment over this eventually turned to irritation. I longed to confront him, but did not dare.

* * *

As the rain stopped, I pushed my hood back from my head, enjoying the feel of the wind on my face. I had been outside in the forest, enjoying a solitary search for the sweet springtime mushrooms, but it was getting close to suppertime and I was heading back towards the castle. The bottom of my gown was wet and dirty and I had streaks of mud where I had been kneeling to pluck the mushrooms, but I was feeling almost happy.

I had left the forest and was walking across the pasture when I heard the thud of hoofs and some happy shouts. I glanced up to see the young lords and ladies cantering across the meadow, falcons on their wrists and a brace of hares slung on one of the horses, a brace of birds hanging limply from another.

It was like a scene from an illumination, the shining horses and hooded birds on fists, the bright colours of the gowns and tunics, Lady Rosalie's golden hair streaming out behind her. I hugged my basket to me and simply stared, mesmerised.

One of the horses veered away from the group and came towards me, Lord Edward in the saddle. I took a step back as he pulled up and then dismounted, smiling at me in a more relaxed way than I had ever seen him. His tunic was a deep forest green and his hose was brown, and the falcon on his wrist was wearing a red leather hood and jesses wound through Lord Edward's hand.

"Lady Bella, good afternoon."

"Oh, so you _can_ talk to me?" I said snippily.

"I could always talk to you." His voice was as soft and smooth as velvet.

"You simply enjoy pretending that I don't exist then?"

"I'm not pretending that you don't exist," he contradicted me.

I rolled my eyes. "You just never speak to me then."

"Bella, you are being utterly ridiculous."

I tossed my head and turned and began marching away. He wasn't the only one who could ignore someone and pretend they didn't exist!

"Lady Bella, wait," he called, but I simply ignored him and kept on walking, hoping to heaven I wasn't going to trip over and humiliate myself.

"I'm sorry." Seemingly effortlessly Lord Edward had caught up to me, his falcon on one fist and the reins of his courser held loosely in his other hand. "That was rude," he said repentantly. "True, perhaps, but rude. Allow me to apologise."

"Why are you so unpredictable?" I asked exasperatedly. "You ignore me for days on end and then you turn up out of nowhere and want to talk. Are you deliberately trying to frustrate me?"

"No." Lord Edward smiled, and I had to work to keep my face and breathing steady at the dazzling beauty of him. "I apologise for that too. It's simply that I'm not quite sure how to behave around you. You intrigue me Lady Bella, but this is far from simple."

"Oh of course. You think we shouldn't be friends." _You think I'm not good enough for you._

"We shouldn't be friends, for more reasons than you know."

I bit my lower lip. "Is this because of what you are?"

His voice was like ice. "What I am? What is it you _think_ I am?"

"I don't know," I admitted "But that day, with the runaway horse…I know there's _something_ about you. Is that why you want to keep away from me?"

"Why do you persist in clinging to the idea that there is something unusual about me?"

I laughed in disbelief. "You're the most unusual person I've ever met!"

The smile that lit up his face made his eyes glow. "Perhaps that's true. And perhaps that is why I am warning you away from me." His face closed over. "Unusual can be dangerous."

I looked at him in silence for a minute. "I don't understand," I said at last.

"And I cannot possibly explain." Lord Edward looked at me ruefully as we came to the courtyard, and with a courtly bow he turned away to take the horse to the stable and the falcon to the mews, adding over his shoulder. "But you really _should_ stay away from me."

* * *

"Lord Edward is staring at you again," Jocelyn whispered to me in chapel, almost accusingly. "What is going on between the two of you? He can barely keep his eyes off you."

"There's nothing between us," I whispered, a blush heating my cheeks. "I'm sure he's not staring at me."

"I know staring," Jocelyn said assuredly. "And that lord is staring at you."

I risked a glance at the Lord's family, feeling my face burn as my eyes met Edward's. I whipped my face away.

" _See_?" Jocelyn hissed triumphantly. "He _is_ staring at you." She shook her head and looked at me with narrowed eyes. "I hope you're not being stupid Bella. He's the son of a Lord after all, and you're the daughter of a steward."

Charles turned around and glared at us for whispering in chapel and, glad of the excuse, I didn't answer Jocelyn, although her words stayed in my mind throughout breakfast.

It was true that our stations were different. My father was a steward, Lord Edward's father was an earl. It was an impossible situation. True, Lord Edward was a younger son and wouldn't inherit the main estate, but Lord Carlisle's lands were vast and there would be a place for Lord Edward. He would marry to cement an alliance with another highborn family, and never give another thought to any girl he knew from before.

I _knew_ all this. That was just the way it was, the way it had always been. So why, then, did my breath quicken and my heartbeat race whenever I saw him? Why did he fill my thoughts by day and haunt my dreams by night?


	6. Chapter 6 - The Minstrel's Visit

_**Chapter 6– The Minstrel's Visit**_

"There's a minstrel!" Jocelyn said with excitement, sitting down on the bench beside me with a thump. "He came this afternoon and he's going to sing after supper!"

"Oh, wonderful!" Agnes eyes shone. "We haven't had any music for so long…even Lord Edward hasn't played."

Just hearing his name sent a small thrill through me. "Lord Edward is a musician?"

"He plays the harp," Agnes said. "Not very often in the hall, but we can still hear him from the family's private rooms."

I tucked this little tidbit away with what little I knew of Lord Edward, and pulled my knife off my belt to eat supper.

"The minstrel is young," Jocelyn babbled, "And _so_ handsome. I hope he sings well…" She chattered on in between bites of food.

The hall hummed with excitement, and I couldn't help but be affected by it. Minstrels and musicians were prized guests, and there had been none at Castle Cullen for some time, so everyone was anxious to hear him. Even Lady Rosalie, Lord Emmett, Lady Alice and Sir Jasper looked more animated than usual at the high table. I didn't let my eyes slip down the end of the table to Lord Edward.

After dinner people didn't leave the hall, instead milling around talking and finding places to sit. The minstrel himself sat by the fire, drinking wine and plucking idly at the strings of his lute. I was looking at him, admiring his bright, parti-coloured tunic and hose, when Jocelyn dug an elbow hard into my ribs.

"Bella, look…I told you Lord Edward keeps staring at you! What is he doing?"

I looked up sharply, and my heart fluttered in shock as I saw Lord Edward descending the stairs from the high table and taking a seat at a lower table. What's more his eyes were on me, and when he saw that I was looking at him he raised a hand and crooked a finger, beckoning me towards him.

For a moment I stood motionless.

"What does he _want_?" Jocelyn demanded. "Bella, what's going on?"

"Nothing," I muttered. "Nothing is going on…I ought to go on and see what he wants." Horribly conscious of the number of eyes following my progress, I walked across the hall and stood tentatively in front of him.

Edward smiled his crooked smile and indicated the bench beside him. "Why don't you sit with me to listen to the music?"

I sat down hesitantly, wondering what on earth was going on. In the rush lights his hair gleamed, and his beautiful topaz eyes were focussed only on me. For a long moment there was silence between us, until I cleared my throat and said, "This is a little unexpected."

"I suppose so," Edward acknowledged, adding with a mischievous smile. "Not unwanted, I hope."

I could feel myself blushing. "No. Not unwanted."

"Good." Edward stretched out his long legs before him. "Because I'm tired of trying to stay away with you."

"You are?"

"I am. And so I'm giving up…I'm not going to try to be good anymore, and the chips can fall where they will."

I looked at him in confusion. "I don't understand."

"I'm counting on it."

"Why are you being so cryptic?" I said, frustrated. "Why will you never give a straight answer?"

"Because I say too much when I'm talking to you," Lord Edward said, his face suddenly serious. "It's too easy to go too far."

I chewed my lip. "Well, if it's any consolation you mostly just confuse me. Except the part about me not being good enough for you. I understand _that_."

Lord Edward's brows rose. "You think you're not good enough for me? Lady Bella, I said it wasn't wise to be friends, not that I didn't wish for it."

"I can read between the lines," I whispered. "At least sometimes."

"Bella, it is not prudent for the two of us to be friends. If you were smart you'd stay away from me, and if I were good I'd stay away from you. But I've decided that since I'm going to hell anyway, I may as well do it thoroughly." Lord Edward grinned again, his teeth startlingly white in the flickering light.

"You're making no sense again," I complained. "Except that I think you just called me stupid."

"Not stupid," Lord Edward said, his voice a caress. "A little foolish, perhaps, but never stupid."

I shook my head and sat in silence for a moment, thinking over what he had said, trying to find the sense and meaning in it, trying to think how it might relate to the mystery about him.

"What are you thinking?" Lord Edward asked curiously.

"I'm thinking about what I know of you," I said honestly. "And I'm wondering about what you really are."

"Oh yes?" Lord Edward's voice was light, but there was a tautness in his face that hadn't been there a moment ago. "Have you come up with any ideas?"

"Nothing really," I said. "Nothing I'm going to share with you."

"Why not?"

I felt my cheeks warm. "It's too embarrassing."

"Please," Lord Edward said, with a seductive smile. "I'd like to hear what you think."

I shook my head, and for a moment his face tightened. "This is _really_ frustrating you know."

"What, not knowing what someone is thinking and them giving half answers and cryptic clues? Gosh, I wonder what that's like," I said sarcastically, relieved when Lord Edward laughed.

"Touche," he said.

He looked around the room, a glint of amusement in his eyes as he said, "I hope you know that this is creating quite a scandal Lady Bella, you and I sitting together. Your father really wants to come up and throw me away by the scruff of my neck, at the same time as he can't help but be pleased that you're talking with a lord and not someone lower born."

I looked over at Charles, talking with two other men. His face was impassive. "How do you know that?"

Lord Edward shrugged. "Body language, facial expressions…most people are very easy to read. Apart from you."

"Why is that?"

"I wish I knew." Lord Edward looked broodingly down at his hands for a minute. "You are quite the mystery Lady Bella."

"Me? A mystery?" I exclaimed. "What about you? First you appear to hate me on sight, then you save my life under impossible circumstances, refuse to talk to me for weeks, talk to me to tell me we can't be friends, then invite me to sit with you to listen to the music tonight!"

"Well, when you put it like that…" Lord Edward laughed, a low, musical chuckle that made my belly feel warm. He gazed into my eyes, a small smile quirking up the corners of his full mouth. "It does sound rather peculiar. And you have some theories as to what the mystery is…"

"Just one really," I said, half dazed by the hypnotic look in his topaz eyes and the sweet smile as he looked down on me. "But it's silly really."

"Tell me. I promise not to laugh."

"You will laugh though," I said, certain. "Because it sounds so ridiculous, but it's the only thing I can think of."

"I won't. Please tell me."

Lord Edward leaned closer to me, and I was suddenly enveloped by the most delicious smell. Part of me disgusted by my own lack of backbone I bit my bottom lip and then said slowly, "I thought perhaps you might be an angel. You saved me from death with superhuman strength…see, I told you it was silly!"

Lord Edward was manfully holding in his laughter, but I could tell by the sparkle in his eyes and the way his lips were pursed that it was an effort. "Not even close I'm afraid. In fact, anyone further from being a warrior for God than I am would be difficult to find." For a moment his laughter vanished and his face looked grim.

"Well," I said with a sigh. "I'll figure it out eventually."

"I wish you wouldn't try," Lord Edward said seriously.

"Why? You said I intrigue you…maybe I am just as intrigued by _your_ mystery?"

Lord Edward shook his head. "But if you go searching, you may not like what you find. After all, I'm not an angel, Lady Bella. What if I am the very opposite of that? What if I'm of the devil?"

My heart thudded painfully, as several things began to fall in to place. "You're dangerous," I said, and it was half a guess and half a statement.

Lord Edward's eyes were full of sorrow as he looked at me, and I slowly shook my head.

"Dangerous maybe, but not bad," I whispered. "Not of the devil. I can't believe that you're bad."

Lord Edward played with the knife on his belt. "You're wrong Bella. You just don't see…and I don't _want_ you to see. I would rather be what it is you see, even though I know that it's just a fantasy."

I looked at him, at his beautiful face and the defeated set of his shoulders and felt myself so drawn to him I was almost frightened. "I think you can be whatever you want to be."

"Perhaps." Edward raised his head with a sigh. "Perhaps it is possible."

* * *

"I can't _believe_ you sat with Lord Edward all evening last night!" Jocelyn exclaimed, adding a wagging finger in my direction as she said, "I think there's something you haven't been telling us!"

"I'm not keeping things from you," I said with a sigh. "We've only spoken briefly before; I'm as surprised as anyone that he invited me to listen to the minstrel with him last night!"

"Well, I think it's nice," Agnes said loyally. "It must be nice for Lord Edward to have someone to talk to, outside of his family. He's younger than his brother and sister and maybe he gets lonely."

"But what could he possibly see in Bella?" Lorelle asked sneeringly. "You know how wealthy and well travelled they are…"

"Lorelle!" Agnes reproved, but Jocelyn only laughed.

"You'd better be careful Bella, that's all I can say. Edward doesn't have a reputation, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything- perhaps he's just been discreet. But you…"

"…Are tired of this conversation," I finished for her firmly. "Lord Edward has behaved with complete propriety. There's nothing to talk about."

I looked back across the courtyard with a sigh. It was an unusually sunny day and it was busy with knights and squires and pages all practising their arts. The smaller boys were practising their archery and the knights were close to where we were sitting, showing off with the longswords. I let my gaze linger on the sparkle of sun on polished steel.

Suddenly there was a yell and the fighting stopped. Sir Berislav swore and stepped back, his hand clasped to his arm where the chain mail stopped. As I watched in horror, blood began to ooze from between his fingers.

"Are you all right, man?" Sir Hugh panted, lifting Sir Berislav's hand to examine the wound.

The world began to go fuzzy around the edges of my vision and lurch alarmingly beneath me. With a small whimper I put out a hand and caught someone's sleeve as the darkness began to close in.

"Bella? What's wrong, oh Bella…Can someone help me, Bella has fainted!"

Jocelyn's voice was the last thing I heard as the darkness closed over my head.

"There…she's coming round now. Lady Bella?"

I opened my eyes, horrified to find myself lying down on the bench I had been sitting on, a ring of concerned faces looking down at me. Mortified I rushed to sit up, even though the world heaved sickeningly around me.

"I'm fine, honestly! It was just the blood…" I closed my eyes briefly in sheer embarrassment.

"I think she should go to Lord Carlisle," Jocelyn announced importantly. "She may have struck her head when she swooned."

"I don't need Lord Carlisle," I said through gritted teeth. "And I didn't _swoon._ "

"You should go and see the Lord, Lady Bella," said Sir Hugh. "Make sure you're not injured."

"I'll take her," Merek said eagerly.

He was one of the squires that Jocelyn seemed to particularly admire, but who had been caught on more than one occasion looking in my direction yearningly. I had done nothing to encourage his attentions and had no wish to now, but before I could say a word he had hauled me to my feet and was helping me stumble across the courtyard. Feeling sick and still dizzy, I had no choice but to comply.

I wasn't ready to be upright though, and no sooner were we in the castle hall than I slithered out of his arms and down onto the rushes scattered over the stone floor. Not for the first time I was glad that the floor was swept often and had fresh rushes laid down, with herbs strewn throughout it to keep it smelling fresh.

"What happened? Lady Bella…are you hurt?"

I groaned aloud as I heard that unmistakable, velvet voice. Surely he wasn't here and seeing me like _this_!

"Merek, what happened?"

"I believe she fainted," Merek said nervously. "Sir Berislav was injured in the sword play – not too badly, I don't think – and the next thing we knew Lady Bella had just keeled over on the bench."

"Lady Bella." I heard Lord Edward's voice, soft and gentle as he spoke close to my ear. Once again I could smell that delicious, enticing scent that seemed to come from his very skin. "Lady Bella, can you hear me?"

"No," I muttered. "Go away and leave me to bear my embarrassment alone."

Lord Edward laughed. "Good to see your sense of humour still works."

"I'm taking her to Lord Carlisle," Merek interjected.

"You needn't worry," Lord Edward said dismissively. "I shall do it."

Suddenly the stone floor below me disappeared as I was scooped up in Lord Edward's arms as if I weighed no more than a baby. I squawked and clutched at his neck for a moment, terrified I would fall, and then pushed uselessly at his chest. "Put me down!"

"You look awful," he told me critically. "I doubt you can walk to the door, let alone the infirmary. Merek, you may go back to your work," he added.

Merek looked as though he wanted to protest, but he had little choice but to bow to Lord Edward and head back out to the courtyard. "I hope you feel better soon Lady Bella."

Lord Edward carried me effortlessly from the great hall and towards the infirmary. "So it was the blood?" he asked, as if he were highly entertained by this fact. "You fainted at the sight of blood?"

I closed my eyes against the nausea, seeing again in my mind the blood oozing between Sir Berislav's fingers and beginning to drip onto the cobbles.

"Blood," Lord Edward murmured. "Not even your blood, and you're down on the ground." He was practically chortling, and if I hadn't thought I might throw up if I opened my mouth I would have found something to say.

Somehow he managed to open the door to the infirmary while still keeping a snug and secure grip on me, and then laid me almost reluctantly on the bed. I took several deep breaths and began to feel a little better.

Lord Edward was eyeing me contemplatively and I was just about to ask him what he was thinking when there was a noise at the door and Lord Carlisle came in.

"So Lady Bella, we meet again," he said cheerfully. "What seems to be the trouble this time?"

"She fainted," Edward said briefly. "There was an accident out in the yard and one of the men was bleeding. It was a little much for Bella."

"Your colour is not good," Lord Carlisle said, leaning over me.

"It's much better than it was when I first saw her," Edward said.

"I'm really feeling much better now," I said truthfully.

Lord Carlisle smiled at me, pressing his fingers against my neck to feel the heart beat. "Does this happen often?"

I shrugged. "Just with blood. It's not just the sight of it, it's the smell…I can't stand it."

Lord Edward and Lord Carlisle exchanged unfathomable glances over a long minute of silence. I don't know what would have been said if we hadn't heard the clink of chainmail and the noise of men in the hallway.

"Sir Berislav is coming," Lord Edward said quickly. "They think the wound needs stitching…perhaps I should take Bella elsewhere."

"Oh, yes," I said hastily, sitting up and taking several more deep breaths to steady myself. The nausea had almost gone, and I had no desire to be in the small infirmary when they bought Sir Berislav in.

"I think you will be fine, Lady Bella," Lord Carlisle said comfortingly. "Fainting at the sight of blood is not uncommon, and unless it happens again I would not worry. Perhaps go outside and get some fresh air and you'll feel better."

"Thank you," I said, smiling at him. He was almost as handsome as Lord Edward and had that same magnetic quality. I had no doubt he was an exceptional healer.

Lord Edward took my arm and guided me from the room, leading me in the opposite direction to where we could see the knights tramping along the hallway to the infirmary door, the injured Sir Berislav in the centre. I was very glad when we reached a bend in the hallway and he vanished from sight.


	7. Chapter 7 - Fables and Fancies

_**Chapter 7 – Fables and Fancies**_

My chamber looked different from the moment I awoke. It took me a minute to realise what it was – there was actual _sun_ outside, streaming in through the narrow window, dust motes dancing in the slanted light.

With a glad heart I dressed in my brown kirtle and green gown, lacing them quickly up the sides. I combed my hair and caught it back behind a plain silver fillet and then tied my hose and laced my shoes and I was ready for the day. I hurried down the stairs to the chapel, where I prayed with more cheer than normal.

I was enjoying the usual bread and ale for breakfast when Charles came over to me, the stablehand Jacob coming along in behind him.

"Good morning," I said cheerfully.

"Good morning," Charles replied. "I've been speaking to Jacob, Bella. He wanted to know if I had any objections to him taking you out riding, if you'd like to go. I know you haven't seen much of the estate, and it's a good day for going out. You've got a good horse and Jacob can take care of you."

I swallowed the last of the ale and smiled at Jacob. "I'd love to go riding. It's a beautiful day for it."

Jacob grinned. "Great. We'll have fun. Just give me a few minutes to saddle the horses."

As soon as Jacob had left the great hall I ran upstairs to use the privy. I was coming down as quickly as I dared when I was surprised to nearly run right into Lord Edward.

"My Lord!" So startled was I that I unconsciously rested my hands on his chest to steady myself, feeling how fine the fabric of his tunic was, and how hard and chiselled the muscles underneath were.

"Lady Bella." Lord Edward decorously took my hands in his and lifted them from his chest. "You ought to be more careful on the stairs."

"I was in a hurry," I said.

"You're going out riding with Jacob." It was a statement, not a question.

I blinked. "How did you know?"

"I heard," he said vaguely. "I wondered if you might reconsider?"

"What business is it of yours?" I stared at him, baffled. "My father has no objections."

Lord Edward's eyes narrowed with frustration. "I am only concerned for your safety, my lady. Jacob can be a reckless rider. I wouldn't like to see you get hurt."

His concern was touching, if a little odd and misplaced. "I am a fair rider, Lord Edward, and my horse is well trained."

"If you go into the forest there are boar, and even tales of wolves," Lord Edward persisted. "I do not like to see you ride in such places unprotected."

"There will be Jacob," I said. "And he'll have his bow." I had no idea if he would or not, but I remembered Charles telling me that he was a good archer. "And all the men carry a dagger, don't they?"

"Jacob is but a boy. I don't feel confident in his ability to protect you."

I couldn't help laughing a little. "He looks no younger than you, my Lord! And if you are so concerned, why don't you accompany us? It's a lovely day for a ride."

At that Lord Edward turned abruptly aside. "I have other things to attend to," he said. "I just ask that you take care Bella."

"I will my Lord," I said, quite bewildered by the whole conversation.

Jacob was in the stable when I slipped in. He smiled at me easily, and hefted the saddle onto the back of a bay courser. My palfrey, looking much smaller beside the warhorse, whinnied at me softly.

"That's a lovely horse," I said.

"It's Lord Carlisle's horse," Jacob said, backing it out of the stall. "He rarely rides though, so we grooms get to do most of the exercising." He led both horses out into the yard and then helped me mount, before he swung up on to the courser himself, slinging his bow over his shoulder. "Come on, follow me."

I followed Jacob out under the gatehouse and through the outer yard, adjusting myself to the slow, slightly jolting motion of the horse. I hadn't lied when I had told Lord Edward I was a fair rider. My clumsiness had made the learning of it close to a disaster, but after several years I was now quite capable. I was sometimes safer on a horse than walking about on my own inept two feet.

Once outside the outer gate Jacob led me through the meadow and the past some plots planted out with various crops and plants. He took me on a long, meandering ride through the fields, and then we entered the quiet of the forest.

"What do you think?" Jacob asked, slowing his horse to walk alongside mine.

"It's so different to the city," I said truthfully. "I hardly know what to think." I jumped as a rabbit hopped across the path ahead of us, and Jacob laughed.

"I guess it is different to town," he said. "Not that I'd know, I've only been as far as the market town near here."

"I do like the castle," I said, feeling warmth in my cheeks. _I_ do _like the closeness to Lord Edward, for all he infuriates me sometimes!_ "It's taking some time to get used to the busyness though," I admitted.

"Have you seen any spirits or ghosts yet?" Jacob said teasingly.

"What?" I looked at him, astounded. "Why would you ask that?"

Jacob shrugged. "There are stories…"

"There are _always_ stories," I laughed.

"I know that," Jacob said. "But there might be a little more than just fancy and imagination when it comes to the stories about Castle Cullen and the creatures that inhabit it."

My eyes widened. "No one has told me any stories before."

"They're not overly well known," Jacob admitted. "Not the ones that matter. Or at least that's what my da says." He laughed. "He takes them all so serious. Says we're the keepers of the ancient knowledge or some such rubbish."

I laughed with him, but something about the way he spoke sent a shiver down my spine. I loved stories. "Tell me more," I requested.

The two horses picked their way along the forest trail. "My da says we're descended from the first people. He says there was magic that's been lost over time, and all we're left with is the knowledge of the ages." His voice was taking on the cadence of a storyteller. "There's few enough people like us, and da says it's our responsibility to keep the stories alive."

For all I was sceptical of tales of magic, I was fascinated by Jacob's tale. "Isn't that awfully long ago?"

"Hundreds of years," Jacob nodded. "For generations my family have been passing down the stories." He looked a little embarrassed. "I don't know that I believe it, you understand? I just bought it up because I thought you might find it interesting."

"Go on," I appealed. "I'd like to hear."

Jacob grinned. "Well, to hear my da tell it, the first people were descended from wolves and kept the land safe for hundreds of years, until there came a race of warriors from across the sea. The swarmed the land and conquered and ruled over the first people, but even worse than that, when they came from their boats they brought _something_ with them."

"What?" I breathed, spellbound now.

"A creature of inhuman beauty and strength and immortality, but one that carried darkness in its heart. A spirit that would suck the soul and lifeblood from anyone it came across, sometimes leaving death and sometimes transforming the human into a creature of the very same," Jacob said in a low voice. "They called them _the cold ones_ , or else they may be referred to by their other name… _vampire._ "

I gasped as the shudder of fear passed through my body, and Jacob's stern face relaxed into a grin as he laughed. "You can't take it seriously, Bella!"

Feeling a little foolish I laughed too. "But what does that have to do with Castle Cullen now?

Jacob shrugged. "This area was one of the last holdouts of the first people. They say that the wolves were the only ones who could fight the cold ones, but the cold ones fought back and decimated their numbers. And then one day cold ones came who were different- a pack that didn't hunt humans, that weren't so dangerous and so the first people made a truce with them. Those cold ones were allowed to live." He made a face at me.

"Why would they make a truce?" I asked.

"The clan was not meant to be dangerous. They ruled over the Saxons and the first people, and were the builders of Castle Cullen. They drank the blood of animals, not humans. But the people were never really safe, not when the blood drinkers might get thirsty at any time."

"How have the stories lasted so long?" I whispered. "After all, there have been no cold ones or wolves for such a long time…"

"Well, that's the creepiest part of the story," Jacob told me, his voice low. "Because the cold ones…they kept _coming back._ They're immortal, and every so often would come a Lord to run the castle whose flesh was ice cold and whose body never changed, and the people would sense that they were something other."

I bit my lip. "You're a good storyteller."

"Ah, my da's been telling me these stories since I was a wee one," Jacob said, but I could tell by his smile that my compliment had pleased him. "He tells them all serious and scary, but I think he's just making it all up. He's always acted like it's a big secret for the family."

"Well, I won't tell him that you told me," I promised with a smile, although his story had left my flesh crawling and my heart racing.

Jacob winked at me. "It's nothing to worry about, just a good story."

"I doubt a travelling storyteller would do better," I said. "You should tell it in the hall one night."

"Ahh no," Jacob looked uneasy. "My da wouldn't like it, and I don't think it's the kind of story that I would tell in front of the Lord and his family." He nudged the horse to pick up the pace. "Come on Bella, enough of this talk of fairies and fancies…let's keep riding."

* * *

I was tired after the long day riding and glad to slide into bed, my body fitting perfectly comfortably into the little hollow it had made amongst the feathers. The blankets settled over me, heavy and warm, and I drifted off into sleep.

The dream began like most of them, with the darkness relieved only by a faint light emanating from Lord Edward's skin. He gave me the same expressionless look before he walked away, and once again I ran after him, hopelessly calling his name.

But this time there was someone else in the dream. A voice that was loud and frightened in the darkness. "Lady Bella, don't!" It was Jacob.

But I ignored him, pulling away from his hands that grasped at me and would stop me if they could. I could not lose Lord Edward, I couldn't…

And then the dream was different again, because this time I caught up with Lord Edward. I clutched at his cloak with my hands, calling his name, begging him to turn. But when he did all I could do was scream, because his lips were smeared with the dark red of blood, his teeth gleaming white and razor sharp. He moved towards me with a terrifying smile, and as he lowered his mouth to his neck I heard him hiss, " _I'm not an angel Bella…what if I'm from the devil? What if I am the evil you fear?_

I woke with a scream, tangled in my blankets and gasping for breath. My heart was pounding. The dream had held such terror, and yet such… _exhilaration_ as Lord Edward had bent towards me. I shivered… _what was happening to me?_

I could not stay meekly in my bed, not with my mind in such turmoil. Instead I wrapped my cloak around myself and let myself out of my chamber, escaping up the dim staircase to the roof.

The stars were out, and something about their everlasting, heavenly beauty calmed me. I made my way to the crenellations and, in defiance of Lord Edward, climbed up a little so I could see the estate bathed in the moonlight.

I rested my cheek against the cold and ancient stone and tried to make sense of my dream. How could Lord Edward have been so terrifying, and yet I had been so hypnotised by him? _"I'm not an angel…what if I am the evil you fear?"_ What was my mind trying to tell me?

I thought of Jacob then, and his confusing presence in my subconscious. It could mean nothing, but I had spent the day with him and all those stories he told me…

" _A creature of inhuman beauty and strength and immortality, but one that carried darkness in its heart. A spirit that would suck the soul and lifeblood from anyone it came across, sometimes leaving death and sometimes transforming the human into a creature of the very same."_

It should sound ridiculous. I should just dismiss it as a scary story, as a tale for a child the way Jacob had laughed it off…but I couldn't.

An icy finger of fear trailed down my spine. Jacob's tales mixed with what I thought I knew about Lord Edward, as well as the mixed messages of my dream, were making me feel dizzy with knowledge half known and secrets half discovered. And if I should follow these thoughts down the rabbit hole, who knew what I might find?

Lord Edward had told me. He had said it. " _If you go searching, you may not like what you find_."

But I had to know. Whatever it was, I had to know and I had faith that it would not be a truth that was unbearable. For I could not believe that Lord Edward was anything other than good. I had thought him an angel, my belief in his goodness was so strong, and I did not think I could possibly discover anything that would prove that wrong.

I forced myself to think of Jacob's story and the Cold Ones he had spoken of. Could the Lord's family be these Cold Ones? I thought of them all, particularly Lord Edward. The inhuman beauty, the superhuman speed and strength, his own admission of being dangerous, a villain…there was certainly _something_.

But I couldn't see that the family carried darkness in their hearts. Not Lady Esme, with her kindly words and gentle manner, and Lord Carlisle working as a healer at the castle, for anyone who asked for his help. And the idea of them feeding on people's souls, or their blood, was utterly fanciful. Since I had arrived at the castle there had been only two deaths, one an elderly woman of eighty years who had died peacefully in her sleep, and one an infant who had died of the flux in her parent's arms. So no one was being killed and drained of blood. Feeding on souls wasn't something that sounded all that likely either.

But even so…it was _possible._ There was definitely something strange about the family that ruled over the castle. Edward _was_ capable of extraordinary things. Why that was or what exactly he was, I couldn't be sure. That was as much as I could say at the time.

And really…did it matter? I shivered, and this time it wasn't with the cold. If Lord Edward really _was_ something outside of the natural, what would I do about it? Would I denounce the family? Would I do as he had continually urged me to do and stay away?

 _NO_. I was shocked at the strength of my reaction. Every part of me rejected utterly the idea of staying away from Lord Edward and I knew with utter certainty that it was not possible. Whatever it was between us, the fire had been lit and there was no going back now.

So I was left with going on as I had been. Talking to him when I could, open to discovering what it was that made him so extraordinary. I felt a quiver of unease when I thought about the potential danger, but it lasted only a moment. If Lord Edward meant to hurt me, he had had plenty of opportunities to do it, and he had not. Perhaps there was some danger, but the truth was I was in too deep to back out now. Too caught up in the hypnotic spell of his golden stare and delicious scent and the mystery of the enigmatic young lord to walk away. Nothing now could shake my certainty.


	8. Chapter 8 - Market Day

_Sorry this has seemed to be abandoned – it isn't like me to just stop updating for so long but real life has been messy and complicated and writing just wasn't happening. Things are picking up though, so here we go again and I hope you're all still here and will enjoy it!_

* * *

 _ **Chapter 8 – Market Day**_

I tipped my head back, enjoying the sun on my face and marvelling at my good fortune that my first experience of market day was on such a lovely day. Jocelyn, Lorelle and Agnes sat beside me on the back of the cart, swinging legs and chatting. Everyone was excited about the market. Even Lorelle was particularly gracious since she was wearing a new gown, one that had been Lady Rosalie's and which Lady Alice had altered for her. This was something that the ladies did often, and I added it to my list of reasons why there could not be anything so dark and villainous about the family.

The wagon we were riding in was full of sacks of flour and various other produce, and there was another wagon with similar, as well as several women and children riding in it. Several knights and squires accompanied us on horseback for protection. There had not been brigands on the road for a long time, but Castle Cullen was isolated and it was not a risk to take.

I was enjoying the ride, and looking forward to the market. I had been too wet, cold and exhausted on my journey to the castle to fully appreciate the beauty of the land around me, but now it was showing to its best in the sunshine. The market would be much smaller than the one in York, but it would still be interesting to see the selection of wares. Charles had surprised me with a small handful of coins to spend as I liked, and I had them tucked in an embroidered purse tied to my belt.

The market town was loud and at first appeared chaotic, but after a few moments I began to see that there was in fact an order to the busyness. Merchants were arranging their wares in the square. Animals were being corralled in one area, the produce in another, and permanent shop fronts were opening their doors. The smells of hot food and animals were everywhere.

Jocelyn, Agnes, Lorelle and I all jumped down from the wagon. I twisted my ankle slightly and thought for a moment that I had done some real damage, but when I walked gingerly after the other girls it didn't hurt too badly. Not enough to stop me walking for a little, anyway.

"You girls need to take care," Sir Hugh instructed sternly. "Merek will go with you. Be back here at noonday, and I'd strongly suggest you stay away from the pie shop on the corner."

Jocelyn giggled and smiled prettily under lowered lashes at Merek. He looked a little startled, but gamely walked along with us, his hand importantly on the short sword he wore in his belt.

It was fun walking along and looking at the goods for sale, doing something different to daily life at the castle. The day had clouded over and but it wasn't too cold with my cloak. Although I had started out enjoying myself, I found I grew bored with the shopping more easily than the other girls. I watched impatiently as they debated over a hair ribbon to match Lorelle's new dress and then exclaimed over silver that none of us would ever have the coin to buy. Agnes picked out some skeins of embroidery thread. Jocelyn bought an apple to eat and then announced her decision to go and investigate some gowns. Lorelle and Agnes happily agreed, but I shook my head. I had just seen a sign indicating a seller of books and parchments down a side street, and I much preferred to go and explore there.

"Oh Bella no, how boring," Jocelyn said impatiently.

"I'll go and look by myself," I said, beginning to back away.

Merek frowned. "I'm supposed to stay watching over you."

"Well I'm not going along looking at books," Jocelyn pouted at Merek. "Bella will be fine on her own, it's not as though she's going very far."

"That's true, I'll be fine," I said hastily. "I'll meet you back here at noon."

Ducking away from the others I let myself disappear in the crowd, coming out on the other side of the square. It was a reasonably sized side street, the shops neat and tidy, and it didn't take me more than a minute or two to find the book shop.

The seller eyed me with suspicion at first, but I ignored him. It wasn't common for girls to be able to read, but it wasn't unheard of. I hadn't really expected to be able to afford to buy a book, but I was hoping to perhaps purchase a quill and some parchment so I could write a letter to my aunt. Unfortunately in this shop the items were of an excellent quality and also too expensive for me.

"Too costly for you?" the merchant behind the counter said to me sympathetically. He lowered his voice. "There's another shop, further down the street that might be able to help you. Their goods are not so fine as these, but they do not charge so much either."

I guessed that this was not his shop, and smiled at him gratefully. "Thank you, that is a great help to me."

Nodding to him I went out into the street and ventured further down to where the ally curved around narrowed a little and there I found the store. As the man had informed me the goods were not such good quality as in the previous store but nor were the prices too much for my purse. I was able to purchase quills, ink and parchment so that I might write a letter to my aunt.

Thinking about how much she would enjoy hearing from me, I didn't at first notice the men loitering about near the corner. I was deep in thought, wondering what I might tell her about Lord Edward when I heard a voice.

"Why, what's a lady like you doing down here?"

Startled I looked up. The man who had spoken to me was big, with a worn tunic with grimy sleeves and dirty hose. He had a thick beard that looked none too clean either. The other man was smaller, slighter, but still bigger than me and with a look in his eyes that chilled me with its malicious intent.

"I've been shopping," I said, deciding to try being civil and hoping to get away. I held up my parcel. "A quill and some ink…and now if you would be so kind as to let me pass, my companions are waiting for me."

The larger man grinned, apparently enjoying himself hugely at my expense. "Aye, well all those who want to pass must pay a forfeit."

I realised then that these men were not simply playing a game, but had nefarious plans in mind. I hid my panic as best I could and turned and walked back the way I had come, ignoring the pain in my ankle from where I had turned it before and cursing my own clumsiness as I realise how unlikely it was that I could ever outrun them.

I heard their footsteps after me, and stepped up my pace a little. But the street was narrowing to an alleyway, the houses built so close together overhead that the now overcast sky was half blocked out. Rivulets of filth ran down the sides of the street, and I saw a rat digging through a pile of refuse. These were the tenement buildings of the very poor, tiny twisting alleyways and odd little dead ends, and it did not take long before I was hopelessly lost.

"Little lady, you look like you're lost," one of the called out. "You shouldn't be running away from us, we can help you."

"Yes, we can help you," the second one sniggered.

My heart was pounding. These were not gentlemen, not the honourable knights and nobility I had grown up with, and I was terrified.

And then I rounded a corner and felt my heart sink as I realised I was trapped. It was a dead end, with the houses having few windows overlooking it. Even _if_ someone might have come to my aid, there was a very good chance that no one would even hear me scream.

The men stood at the end of the dead end, blocking the only way out. I retreated until my back hit the stone wall, and then stared at them like a rabbit frozen in the eyes of a predator. They smiled greasily at me, and stepped closer.

Just when I was about to scream there was a sudden rush of wind and something leapt from the wall behind me with a snarl. I heard the thud of fists on flesh and the sickening sound of a human skull bouncing off a cobbled stone street, and then I did scream. But it was Lord Edward who turned to face me, and despite the look of pure rage on his face, all my fear vanished.

 _You've come. You've saved me._

"We need to get out of here," Lord Edward said through gritted teeth. To my utter surprised he picked me up and carried me seemingly effortlessly through the streets, faster than I would have believed possible.

"Are they dead?" I whispered into the silence.

"No," Lord Edward said brusquely. "I did not hit them to kill them, only to stun. I _wanted_ to kill them though."

"Are you all right?" I asked.

Lord Edward looked at me, his eyes black and his face tight with anger and strain. "No."

I kept quiet for a minute, and then he asked me, "Are _you_ all right?"

"Yes," I answered simply, because it was true. Lord Edward was here, his arms around me and his scent in my nose, and I had never felt quite so all right in my whole life.

We came to a wider, more populated street and Edward discreetly put me down, but kept an arm around me to support me. "This is almost impossible!" he muttered.

"What is?"

"Not to run back and kill them. I could do it you know," Lord Edward eyed me intently. "Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Lady Bella, and they deserve the very worst. You don't know the vile things they were thinking about!"

I could certainly guess, but… "And you do know what they were thinking."

Edward ignored this, and looked out at the square. "You were supposed to meet the others?"

"At noon," I admitted. I wanted nothing more than to stay with Lord Edward, but I had promised to be back and I didn't want them to worry. "That's when they were taking the wagons back, although those on horseback may stay later."

"Would you stay with me?" Lord Edward said abruptly. "I have the horse, and it will make better time than the wagons."

"Of course I will."

"Thank you." Lord Edward rumpled his hair distractedly. "It will be easier for me…not to go back, if you're with me."

The two of us moved through the crowd, towards the group from Castle Cullen. Most of them were gathered there, and I saw Jocelyn's eyes nearly tumble out of her head when she saw me approaching with Lord Edward at my side.

"My lord," Sir Hugh said with a bow. "We were not expecting you in town today."

"Something came up unexpectedly," Lord Edward said. "I just wished to tell you that I shall be accompanying Lady Bella home, so you needn't worry about her."

"Very well, my Lord," Sir Hugh bowed again, and Edward took my elbow and led me away.

We crossed the square to the largest and fanciest tavern, and Lord Edward held the door for me. "I'm sorry about the accommodations," he murmured. "But they are the best there are here."

"This is fine," I replied. In truth it was rather more commodious than the taverns and inns that Sir Hugh and I had stayed in on the journey to Castle Cullen. "But what are we doing here?"

"I thought a restorative cup of wine would not go astray," Lord Edward answered. To the serving girl who came up to him he said, "My companion would like some sweet wine please. And what are you serving for dinner?"

"There's venison pie, my lord," the girl breathed, unable to take her eyes of Lord Edward's beauty, which seemed to glow in the dimmer light of the tavern. "And some rabbit stew, fresh killed this morning and quality vegetables added."

"We'll take a bowl of the stew and two cups of wine, thank you," Lord Edward said.

I sat on the bench, with Lord Edward sitting opposite me, examining my face intently. "How do you feel? Any faintness or dizziness? You've had a bad shock."

I shivered slightly. "How did you find me?"

The serving girl appeared then, placing a cup of wine in front of each of us, and the bowl of stew in front of Lord Edward. He pushed it towards me, and then lifted up the cup and offered it to me.

I drank the wine, which was sweeter than I was used to but which calmed my somewhat flustered nerves. The stew smelled delicious but I suddenly realised that there was only one bowl.

"You don't wish to eat, my Lord?"

"No." Lord Edward played with the stem of the wine goblet. "Please Lady Bella, eat. You've had a shock."

Obediently I spooned up some of the fragrant stew. It was as good as it smelled, and as the warmth spread through me and I felt steadier I realised that I had been a little more shaky over my fright than I thought.

"Your colour is better," Lord Edward said, eyeing me critically. "I'm surprised you're not more upset."

"It was frightening," I said slowly, "But I feel very safe with you."

The strangest look crossed his face, followed by a dark frown.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Sorry for what?"

"I upset you…whenever I upset you your eyes are dark. You are usually much better tempered when your eyes are light." I looked down at my stew and took a tasteless mouthful. When I dared to look up at him his eyes were still dark, and there was a twisted smile on his face.

"It's not you I am upset with, Lady Bella. I have…trouble controlling my thoughts and words when I am with you. You baffle me, intrigue me…sometimes infuriate me, I must admit. But these are my issues, not yours."

He nudged the second wine goblet towards me. "Drink this too."

I finished the stew, hardly tasting it as I stared at his exquisite face. I could hardly believe the miracle of him being here, of rescuing me, of sitting here to eat…not that he was eating. I was brought back to earth with a little thump as I thought about Jacob's scary stories, and watched Lord Edward sit there without a crumb or a drop of wine crossing his lips.

"How did you come to find me?" I asked at last.

Lord Edward smiled crookedly. "Can we just call it luck?"

I shook my head. "This is the second time you've saved me under mysterious circumstances…that's not coincidence. You owe me an explanation."

"You haven't come up with your own explanation? More angels perhaps?" Lord Edward's lip twitched.

"Maybe I've thought of something else," I said, deliberately casual.

Lord Edward raised his eyebrows. "And what's this new idea?"

"Oh no," I said firmly. "I'm not telling you what I think unless you start sharing with me. I've had enough of the cryptic answers and half truths, if you'll excuse my honesty my Lord."

"So let me get this straight- am I to believe that if I answer your questions you will in turn tell me your theories about what I am?"

I swallowed the last of the wine. "Maybe. I don't promise…it depends on your willingness to be open."

"Very well." Lord Edward sat up straight and eyed me steadily. "Question time."


	9. Chapter 9 - Questions and Answers

_**Chapter 9 – Questions and Answers**_

"How did you find me at the exact time I needed you? You weren't even coming to town today."

Lord Edward paused. "It's very difficult to explain. You seem to attract trouble and I have been doing what I can to ameliorate the hazards you have faced. But in trying to keep you alive Lady Bella – a much more difficult task than I had ever expected! – I have had to utilise certain…talents, shall we say."

He stopped talking and looked at me expectantly. My heart was pounding at the thought of finally getting some answers and my mind was racing as I tried to frame my questions.

"And these talents," I said slowly. "Do they perhaps involve something like…knowing what people are thinking? Reading minds, more specifically."

"You're talking of something impossible."

"Maybe impossible, but it would explain things." I thought for a minute about how he behaved around me, his comments about how mysterious and intriguing he found me… "But maybe there are exceptions?"

Lord Edward was like a statue, his face alabaster white against the bronze of his hair. "There are exceptions. Well, there is _one_ exception."

I stared at him. "Would that be me?"

"Perhaps."

My breath was coming in shallow pants as I tried to absorb the enormity of what he was admitting to me. "You can trust me, you know." I reached across and, despite the rigidity of his body, I touched my fingertips to Lord Edward's hands. His skin was cold and hard, like a stone, and my heart jumped. _The cold ones._ "You can trust me."

"I don't know if I have a choice anymore. You're more observant than I thought, and you seem determined to find out the truth. You also seem to attract every danger within reach."

I bit my lip. "And you would include yourself in that."

"Unquestionably." Lord Edward's face was taut.

This was a conversational thread that I wasn't sure I was ready to follow. _You may not like what you find._ Instead I went back to his earlier confession.

"Well…how does it work? How do you use such a gift to find a specific person at a specific time?"

"I was worried about you going to the market today," Lord Edward confessed. "I was concerned that you would be hurt. I followed after the party going to market, listening in to some of the thoughts I could hear. Mostly Jocelyn; I assumed that you would be staying with her throughout the day." He paused in his tale to frown at me reprovingly. "You should never have gone off alone! That fool Merek should never have allowed it. However I was not as vigilant as I should have been and missed the moment you went off on your own. After that I had to rely on the thoughts of those who had seen you, like the booksellers. I continued to walk through the alleyways to the south…searching. Listening." A spasm of pure rage crossed his face. "I found them by their own filthy thoughts…you have no idea how hard it was for me to walk away and leave them alive! You were in such danger today Lady Bella."

I fiddled with the empty wine goblet. "I know," I said softly. "That's twice that you've saved my life…do you feel that perhaps you've set out on an impossible task to protect me from danger? Perhaps I'm meant to die."

"If that's true then you were meant to die the very first day that I saw you," Lord Edward said quietly.

I remembered vividly the day I had first seen his face, the avenging angel who looked so lethal and raised such a confused reaction in me, halfway between attraction to the beauty of him and terror at the look of malice on his face. A brief sense of fear fluttered in my belly at the memory, but when I looked up at him my face was calm. "That moment was dangerous?"

"Yes, very much so." His face was grave. "And I know you sensed it…and yet here you sit. With me."

"Yes, because you saved me and therefore I _can_ sit here with you. Because I _want_ to be here with you." I could not have explained the magnetic force of his personality, but the truth of it could not be denied.

Lord Edward drummed his fingers on the table and didn't answer.

"When you were looking for me," I ventured. "How did you know which area to look at? You said that you went south."

"Ah," Lord Edward looked a little embarrassed. "It was your scent. Everybody has their own distinct scent and I know yours. I was able to follow it."

I shook my head in disbelief. "And reading minds…how does it work? What are the limitations? Does it run in your family? And why can't you read my mind?"

Lord Edward gave a low chuckle as the string of questions tumbled out of me. I still couldn't believe we were even here, discussing such fantasies! But that didn't stop me from listening breathlessly to Lord Edward.

"I don't really understand how it works," he said honestly. "I see and hear what people are looking at and thinking in the moment. I have to be reasonably close, no more than a few miles, although the more familiar I am with someone's mind the further away I can be. It can be loud and annoying – like everyone in the great hall talking at once – but I've learned over time to tune it out to a reasonable extent. No one else in my family can do it – it's just me."

"And why can't you read my mind?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "It's never happened before. Perhaps your mind works differently to everyone else."

"My mind doesn't work right?" I said. Once again all my insecurities about being out of step, of being different and awkward returned in full force.

" _Your_ mind doesn't work right?" Lord Edward laughed, clearly relieved to have this part of the conversation out in the open. "I'm the one who hears voices in my head! "

I laughed a little, relaxing.

"Let's go," Lord Edward said decisively, rising to his feet. "It's best if we get back to the castle by supper."

I followed him out to the yard behind the inn, where a hostler brought out Lord Edward's courser. It was a beautiful chestnut animal and I took a moment to stroke his nose before I was boosted up behind Lord Edward. After a moment's hesitation I put my arms around him, feeling his strong back cool under my cheek.

"Are you comfortable?" he asked, twisting around to see me. His eyes were black, but he smiled at me with his crooked smile and I knew he wasn't angry.

"Yes thank you."

Lord Edward passed some coins to the hostler and then urged the horse forward, out of the courtyard and through the streets to the town gates. Once outside the town he touched his heels to the horse's sides and he sped up until he was galloping, the ground flying by and his mane and tail streaming back in the wind.

I screamed in terror. I was a fair rider, but my palfrey was quiet and obedient, with none of the strength and speed of the warhorse. I tightened my grip around Lord Edward's middle, feeling how unyielding his body was under my arms. "Please! Slow down!" I begged.

Lord Edward pulled up the courser and turned to me with a questioning look. "What?"

I was breathing heavily. "Can you please slow down? That's too fast."

Lord Edward laughed. "That wasn't even the best he can do. We all like riding fast."

"All your family?" I ventured.

"Yes. It's possibly the only thing we all agree on, that a good horse is a necessity. You should see Rosalie when she gets going." He slowed to a walk. "I'm sorry. I didn't think that I would frighten you. Besides," he said with a wicked grin, "If we're walking then we can talk, and perhaps you can share your new theory, since we have established that I am definitely no angel."

I hesitated. "I'm not sure I want to share it."

"Why not? Is it so insulting?"

"Maybe." I bit my lip and loosened my hold on him. "I don't want to upset you."

"I promise I will not get angry," Lord Edward said, his face calm. "But I must confess that I am most curious."

"I didn't really think of this one myself," I admitted. "It was a story I heard, and lots of it doesn't fit. But I haven't had any other ideas."

"A story?" Lord Edward's voice was light, but I noticed the sudden tension in his hands on the reins. "What was this story, and how did you come to hear it?"

"I went out riding with Jacob one day," I said, hoping I was not landing Jacob in the way of trouble. "He told me that his family have lived here for generations, and have passed down stories all that time."

Lord Edward nodded briefly, but apart from the tightness of his grip on the reins he seemed quite composed. "Of course. I believe they are one of the oldest families in the area. The story…" he prompted.

"He told me stories about the…the Cold Ones," I faltered. "Creatures who came with the warriors from across the sea and who drank the souls and the blood of the first people. He said they fought the wolves, but then came a clan who didn't drink blood, a clan who were 'safe', and they made a truce."

"And these tales of the Cold Ones made you think of me?" Lord Edward enquired.

"Not at first," I said. "I just thought Jacob was telling scary stories to frighten me. He didn't mean anything by it," I added hastily, worried that Lord Edward intended trouble for him. "He didn't mention you at all. It was only later, when I had a dream and thought about it that I wondered…"

"You were convinced by a dream?"

"No," I whispered. "So much didn't fit, or didn't make sense. _Doesn't_ make sense. But I decided that it in the end it really doesn't matter what the truth of it is."

"It doesn't _matter_?" Lord Edward's face was incredulous. "You start to believe faerie tales and legends of beasts are real, but it doesn't _matter_? Have you lost your wits?"

"No," I said, softly but steadily. "It doesn't matter what you are. I would be here anyway."

"Even when I am not the angel you thought? Even when I am the monster?" he demanded.

"Even then."

His face was like granite, and I felt my stomach fall. "Please don't be angry with me."

"I'm not angry with you. I am overcome by your sheer stubbornness in pursuing this matter, and then to find out the truth and come to the conclusion that it _doesn't matter!"_

"You mean I'm right?" I said, startled. "You're…" My voice trailed away. The Cold Ones. _Vampire._ For all I had listened to Jacob's story and thought and dreamed, there were so many elements that didn't fit…

"Does it make a difference?" he snapped.

I bit my lip. "Not to me."

Lord Edward shook his head, and looked at me with eyes gone suddenly bleak. "If you only knew…"

"Well, tell me!" I ordered. "There are so many things I want to know now."

Lord Edward sighed. "Very well. I will answer as fully as I can. But you must understand, Lady Bella, these are not tales to be told at the fireside. My family has great wealth and power and they will not hesitate to eliminate you if it becomes necessary."

The familiar finger of fear slid its way up my spine. I lowered my head and bit my lip, before I raised a calm face to meet his. "I understand."

"Very well. What is it you wish to know?"

"They called you the Cold Ones…how cold are you?"

Lord Edward laughed. "You're starting with an easy one." Keeping his eyes to the front he reached behind him and gently clasped my hand.

I couldn't stop my gasp. Firstly because his hand _was_ cold, like he had just washed it in icy cold water, but also because it was so extraordinarily elegant; he had long fingers that curved gently around mine and smooth backs and perfect lines.

But I was shocked because, contrarily, the cold made me feel _warmth._ The warmth of being close to him, of touching him in this way that was so innocent and yet so intimate…

He pulled his hand away first, and left me with a queer feeling of emptiness. For what seemed like a long time neither of us said a word, until I took a deep breath. "Jacob talked of immortality. Is that true?"

"Well, we _can_ be killed," Lord Edward answered composedly. "But it is difficult, and would generally require another one of our species to do it. But excluding certain circumstances we are, for all intents and purposes, immortal."

"How old are you?" I whispered.

Lord Edward turned and gave me a teasing smile. "Seventeen."

"And how long have you _been_ seventeen?"

"A little longer than most people are."

I couldn't help myself. I laughed, and Lord Edward gave me a disbelieving look.

"You're laughing? You're finding out secrets that have been kept, in some cases, for centuries and it's making you laugh?"

I sobered up. "Oh, believe me my lord, I'm taking this seriously. But at the same time I'm here with you, and it's indescribable."

Lord Edward shook his head and turned his attention back to the horse. For a moment I rested my cheek against his cool, strong back. But then he spoke, and the harshness in his voice bought me rapidly back to reality.

"You haven't asked the most important question. You haven't asked about what we eat," he said abruptly.

"Oh," I said uneasily. "Yes, I suppose there's that."

"What do you think?"

"I don't think you do eat humans," I whispered. "Jacob said that the last clan of Cold Ones who came here didn't drink human blood, but lived on animal blood. I think that's you. I don't think you would ever do anything to hurt anyone."

"Bella, I think you are letting your feelings get in the way of all sense. You cannot underestimate the fact that _we are dangerous,_ " Lord Edward said passionately.

"I don't understand," I said. "You drink animal blood, you…"

"We are very good at what we do," Lord Edward said flatly. "But it is a constant, intense effort, and sometimes we fail. Sometimes we make mistakes. Like me, being here alone with you."

"You think this is a mistake?" I felt tears pricking at my eyes.

"I don't think you even realise the amount of risk you have put yourself at, Bella," Lord Edward said, urging the horse forward.

We were silent for a long time, and it was only as we saw the first sight of the castle on the hill that I spoke. "Why do you do it?" I asked timidly. "If it's so difficult to resist?"

"I don't want to be a monster," Lord Edward replied quietly. "I want to be more than I was made."

"But it's hard?"

"Very nearly impossible sometimes. The animals…they satisfy, you understand, but not completely. Never completely. There is always thirst, and some times are more difficult than others to resist. Sometimes, no matter how much the effort, we are not strong enough."

"Is it very difficult for you now?"

"Yes." Edward's velvet voice sounded almost strangled. "Your scent is…bewitching, Bella. You're also very close to me on the horse …it is only that the wind was blowing your scent away from me that I was able to stand it, I think. And I have been hunting more often lately; it is easier to resist when we are not thirsty."

There seemed nothing to say to that. I had learned so much that my mind was whirling with all the new information, all the new facts that I now knew, facts that had thrown up just as many questions as they answered.

As we reached the castle and Lord Edward swung off the saddle and then lifted me off. For a brief moment I clung to him before he set me down away from him.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" I asked, praying that the neediness in my voice would not put him off.

"Yes." He looked down at me and hesitated. "It's so dangerous, but I don't have the will to stay away. I will see you."

He strode off to the great hall for supper, but I wasn't hungry. I wasn't anything but euphoric at the thought of seeing him again, although as I thought about all we had talked about I could not deny that there was a tiny shiver of fear mixed in as well. Instead of going to supper I ran up to my chamber and stood on the chair to look out the tiny window and watch the stars come out, one by one.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Lord Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him – and I didn't know how potent that part might be – that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.


	10. Chapter 10 - Risk of Danger

_**Chapter 10 – Risk of Danger**_

I dreamed of Lord Edward again, but this time the dream shone with my own happiness and the hand that curved around mine was cool and gentle.

I woke up bright with anticipation of the day. For the first time ever I wished I had a new and flattering gown to wear, but part of me knew that Lord Edward would not notice such things, and wouldn't be concerned with them even if he did. I laced on my regular kirtle and gown and combed out my hair before I hurried down to the chapel.

I was in the rear of the crowd and could only see the back of his head, but even that was enough to make my heart pound and a blush heat up my cheeks. Was this the only way I could react to him? How could I have fallen so deeply in love with him in so short a time? Was he right and I had lost my wits?

The crowd shifted as chapel ended and through a gap in the bodies I saw the Lord and his family walking out. Edward met my eyes with his crooked smile and I felt an answering smile curve my lips. But the next moment it fell off my face as Edward's tall, blonde brother and sister stared at me, one face cool and calculating, the other one venomous. It was the first time they had noticed me, and I shivered under their powerful stares.

Jocelyn, Agnes and Lorelle all crowded around me as we entered the great hall for breakfast. Automatically I looked at the high table for Edward, belatedly remembering that he would be eating in the Lord's private rooms as they did every day. Or did they eat? I frowned. He had said he drank animal blood, but he hadn't said anything about actual food.

"Tell us _everything_ ," Jocelyn demanded, as soon as we had our customary bread and ale in front of us.

Even Agnes, who made more efforts than Jocelyn to avoid the sin of gossip, was looking at me avidly.

I took a swallow of the ale. "Lord Edward came to market after we did. He found me looking at quills and ink, and then offered to purchase a drink for me from the tavern." _Well, close enough._

"But _why?_ " Jocelyn insisted. "Don't get me wrong, Bella, you're very pretty and you know I love you, but you're not a noble lady and Lord Edward is the son of an earl. Is he really trying to make a match with you?"

"I don't know," I said, my voice dropping. "I don't think so. You know it would be impossible…I think he was just being kind. He cannot possible feel more than friendship."

"What on earth did you talk about?" Lorelle asked.

 _Immortality. Drinking blood. Desire to kill._ "Oh…this and that."

"Did you know he was coming? Had you arranged a meeting?"

I shook my head. "No, it was a surprise to me to see him there. Truly, there hasn't been anything going on. It was simply coincidence and a kindness." Swallowing the last of my ale and stuffing a final piece of bread into my mouth I stood up. "I'm going to go and write a letter to my aunt, now that I have the parchment I need. I will see you at the dinner hour."

I left the great hall and slowly climbed the stairs to my chamber. Lord Edward had said I would see him, but he hadn't given me a time and I wondered when I might meet him.

"Good morning Lady Bella."

I gave a small shriek of surprise and stumbled over my own feet. Instantly a hand was under my elbow, steadying me as a contrite voice said, "I startled you. I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter," I said breathlessly. I turned to Lord Edward and smiled. "I wasn't sure if you would find me. I thought you might still be breakfasting."

Lord Edward shook his head. "That's one of the things that make us different. We don't eat."

"I wondered about that. How do you get away with it?"

"We breakfast in private so we don't have to trouble to pretend then. But in general people are not really observant and tend to see what they expect to see. So we pretend to eat, play with the food, feed it to the dogs…it's the reason why the deerhounds are all so fat."

"But if you _had_ to, for some reason?"

"I could do it. But it would be deeply unpleasant, both the eating of it and the expulsion of it later. My body finds it completely indigestible and the taste repellent."

He looked at me, considering, for a long moment. "Why did you lie to your friends about what you were going to do?"

"How did you know about that?" I asked uncomfortably.

"I was listening in," he said matter-of-factly. "I wanted to know when you were free, so I was paying attention to the thoughts of your friends." He paused. "Lorelle does not wish you well. But your friend Agnes, she has a rare goodly and kind mind."

"Do you often listen in to people's conversations?"

"It's hard not to sometimes," Lord Edward admitted. "It's such a constant noise. And my family relies partly on my gift to keep us safe, by keeping abreast of what people are thinking about us. If anyone became suspicious of us, as you did…it could be bad." He looked at me with his hypnotic gaze, his eyes a light gold. "And of course, recently I have been looking out for you. But now Lady Bella, you didn't answer my question. Why did you lie to your friends about what your plans were?"

"I didn't want them to know," I whispered. "I didn't want to have to answer their questions, or the questions of my father if he finds out."

Lord Edward's face went dark. "Do you realise what you're doing? Don't you understand the danger you are putting yourself in? Simply to be with me is danger enough, but when no one knows that you are with me, when there is less incentive to bring you back…I don't think you have any realisation of the risks that you face every time you are near me."

"But I don't think it _is_ so dangerous," I argued. "I don't believe you would hurt me. I _can't_ believe it of you."

"And that is what frightens me!" he roared. "That you are so wide eyed and innocent and this is a darkness you have no comprehension of! It terrifies me Bella, to have you so close to me and know that no one except I know where you are!"

I shivered, but more at the strength of passion in his voice than at any fear over what he had said. And even though I knew I could never walk away, I said quietly, "Do you want me to go away again then?"

Lord Edward turned smouldering eyes on me. "No," he whispered. "May God help the both of us, but everything in me wants to keep you close by my side."

Once again my chest felt tight and I struggled to draw a steady breath. How could this perfect creature possible want me? How could my clumsiness and weaknesses stand up against his perfection? I turned my head away.

"Do you still wish to talk?" Lord Edward asked, a little uncertainly.

"If you promise to answer."

Lord Edward smiled at me, the smile of an angel, and I felt all my senses just that little bit stronger as the warmth of infatuation and love burned deep in my belly.

"I promise, if you promise the same. Although you've rather wormed all the family secrets out of me already," he said cheerfully. "And I still have so much to discover about you."

"I promise to answer," I said.

"Good. Come with me," Lord Edward said. "It would not do for us to be found loitering outside your chamber."

Immediately my face flamed with my embarrassment, and I hurried to catch up to Edward's quick stride. He took me down corridors I had not seen before, and eventually came to a stop beside a window with a deep window seat.

"Will this do?" he enquired. "You can sit…it's in the family's private wing, so people very rarely come here. You won't have to explain yourself if we talk here."

I nodded and sat on the window seat, arranging my skirts and playing a little with the knife on my best. "Will you have to explain yourself to anyone? Has anyone asked you about bringing me home from the market yesterday?"

Lord Edward looked angry for a moment and then smoothed his face back to tranquillity. "No, I shall not have to explain this, I think. Alice will have seen to it that the family already now."

"Already know?" I said in surprise. "But we only just came here."

Lord Edward's smile was soft when he spoke of his sister. "Alice is gifted too. She sees the future. She's not constant and not infallible but generally quite reliable. She saw our journey home yesterday and will have seen that I wished to spend time with you today."

I kept quiet, biting on my lip. Seeing the future? What had she seen of this thing that there was between Lord Edward and I? I felt uncomfortably self-conscious about the idea of someone being able to spy on me in such a manner.

"What are you thinking?" Lord Edward pressed, looking frustrated. "Your face changed just then."

"I don't know that I'm comfortable with someone who sees so much," I admitted. "It feels rather intrusive."

Lord Edward nodded thoughtfully. "I suppose it can seem that way. I have lived for so long in people's heads, and having Alice's gift is just a part of life. And you'll like her," he assured me earnestly. "She's seen that the two of you are going to be friends, and so she's looking forward to spending time with you."

Dizzy, I shook my head. "Everything is so hard to believe…you're turning my world upside down, you know."

Lord Edward's face went tight. "Let me know if you want it to stop. You can walk away from me at any time Bella, no recriminations and no guilt."

I shook my head almost before he had finished speaking. "No. I won't walk away…I can't. Whatever this is, between you and I, it means too much to let it go." I could feel my cheeks heating up in a blush at being so forward. "If you feel equally, my Lord."

Lord Edward rumpled his hair and looked at me with sad eyes. "Yes, I do," he said, but he would say no more on the subject. Instead, he insisted on asking me questions in turn.

"How did you come to live with your aunt?"

"Mother had another child after me," I said. "She and the baby didn't survive the birth." I felt barely a flicker as I told him that. It was an all too common tale, and I had been very young. "Charles couldn't take care of me as a man alone, so he sent me to his sister, my aunt Isabella."

"Your turn for a question now," Lord Edward said with a teasing smile.

"You said that Alice sees the future and you read minds. So are any of the rest of your family special like that?"

Lord Edward nodded. "Jasper has a gift too. He feels people's emotions and is also able to use it to influence someone's emotional state, their mood. It's quite subtle; we often don't even realise that he's doing it, although it can also be something like being hit by a rock when he's being blatant. Now, my question – how is it that you read?"

"My aunt again," I said. "She was quite highborn, she and my father, and she shared his tutors when they were young. She taught me. We didn't have any books, but she would write out the letters for me and make up stories."

"We have quite a collection," Lord Edward said. "Carlisle has a friend in Italy who sends them to him, and he will buy them when he can. He has also written some of his own, some history and philosophy. You are welcome to read what you like."

"Thank you," I nodded, and then bit my lip. "Can I ask you a more personal question?"

Lord Edward gave me his crooked smile. "Of course. As I have said, I may not answer but no questions are off limits."

"It's about your eyes," I said playing with the knife at my belt. "They change colour so often. I've noticed that you're often more frustrated and easily upset when they're dark."

"I'm sorry for that," Lord Edward said apologetically. "I never meant to be short with you. Our eye colour changes depending on how thirsty we are and how long since we've hunted."

"Do you use the dogs or the falcons to hunt?"

Lord Edward laughed a little. "Neither. We have all the skills and weapons we need." He smiled broadly and snapped his teeth at me, in a way that made me jump.

"But you hunt with the animals all the time."

"It gives us an excuse for going out. And it's fun, mostly, and brings in a lot of meat for the castle. Just because we don't eat doesn't mean everyone else doesn't need to."

"Would I maybe get to see that one day? You hunting?"

"No!" Lord Edward looked appalled. "Absolutely not!"

"Would I be too scared?" I asked timidly.

"If only that was what it was! I would take you out and force you to watch and face what I really am!"

I cringed in the face of his outrage. "I'm sorry."

"Oh Bella, I am the one that's sorry," he said contritely. "But you see, in daily life we must be controlled at all times, always careful, always aware. When we hunt though, we have to give ourselves over to our senses, let our instincts guide us. It is almost animalistic, and were there to be humans about…it could be a disaster."

 _He could eat me._ I nodded thoughtfully. "I suppose not then."

Lord Edward looked at me steadily. "It's true I cannot read your mind, but I can gain some insight into what you think by listening to what you say to others around you."

"Yes?"

"I heard you tell Jocelyn that I was simply being kind to you, that I could not ever feel more that friendship for you. It disheartens me that you could have so misunderstood my feelings for you." Lord Edward stepped closer to me, his hypnotic golden eyes staring deep into the depths of my brown ones. "Do you not know better than that?"

I could barely breathe, so close as I was to his extraordinary beauty, every faint inhalation bathing me in his scent. "I know that there is something rare and wonderful between us," I whispered. "But you're…who you are. Not even the vampire part, but you're a Lord and you're knowledgeable and skilled and brave. You're extraordinary, my Lord. And I'm only me, and so much less in every way." I could feel tears prickling my eyes. "There is more than your secrets that will keep us apart."

Lord Edward shook his head. "You don't see yourself as you really are Bella," he said in a low voice. "You're an exceptional girl. Anyone would be lucky to keep company with you and I am honoured that you have chosen me."

And leaning forward he slowly, hesitantly, leaned forward and raised a hand, running his fingertips in a line from my temple down to my lips, where he left them for one heart stopping moment before moving away.


	11. Chapter 11 - The Meadow

_**Chapter 11 – The Meadow**_

Lord Edward and I stayed together as long as we dared that morning. Sometimes we talked, and sometimes we just sat silent, lost in the indescribable pleasure of being beside each other.

"It will be the dinner hour soon," Edward said, stirring after one such silence. "I have to go hunting this afternoon – Alice promised it's going to rain and Emmett and Jasper have insisted I come out with them."

"Wouldn't rain make you want to stay in?" I questioned.

Lord Edward shook his head. "No. We don't feel the cold of course, and there's…well, we can't be seen in the sun."

"Why not?"

"I'll show you one day." He frowned at me. "What will you be doing? Keeping yourself out of harm's way?"

"Sewing I suppose," I said a little dolefully. "That's keeping out of trouble – the worst thing that could happen is that I prick my fingers."

"Considering you're in a room with three vampires that could be a lot worse than you think!" But Lord Edward was smiling at me. "Would you like to come out with me tomorrow? We could go for a walk in the forest; maybe I can show you something?"

I thought of my own clumsiness on trails in the woods and winced. But I probably would have acquiesced to any suggestion, and I smiled and nodded my head.

"But you don't really want to?" Lord Edward said astutely.

I blushed. "I'm just embarrassed. I'm so clumsy, walking in the woods will be difficult. You'll have to be patient with me."

Lord Edward chuckled. "Well, I promise you I'll be patient. But I might be able to help you all the same."

Reluctantly, I rose to my feet and smiled. "It's the dinner hour. Charles will be wondering where I am."

"Tell him that tomorrow you're going to be with me, please. He won't object – he can't - but it will make me feel better." Lord Edward's smile illuminated his face and once again I stared, dazzled by his beauty. "It gives me more incentive to control myself around you. Goodbye, Lady Bella."

I sat beside Charles to eat and, not for the first time, I was grateful that he wasn't a talkative man. He asked me how my morning had been, and was quite satisfied with my answer that it had been fine. It wasn't that I _never_ wanted to tell him about the friendship between Lord Edward and myself, but it felt so new and precious and utterly fragile that I couldn't bear the idea of diminishing the wonder by talking about it. I would wait, and tell him about Lord Edward at supper time.

After finishing dinner I made my way with Jocelyn, Agnes and Lorelle up to the sewing room. We took up our usual seat and found our usual work. Agnes had her mending and I had my rather crumpled and dusty embroidery. Lady Esme had entrusted Jocelyn and Lorelle, who were both talented at needlework, with some tapestry.

I began stitching, my mind so far elsewhere that almost immediately I pricked my finger with the sharp needle. I put my finger in my mouth and sucked on it, careful not to look at it or smell it. I thought about what Lord Edward had said, about the danger of even this small amount of blood in a room containing three vampires, and I shivered.

As if conjured by my thoughts, the Lady Rosalie flounced into the room looking furious. Everyone fell silent, and there was not a word until Lady Esme came in, smiling in her usual tranquil fashion. "Good afternoon ladies."

Last of all came Lady Alice, almost floating as she slipped through the door. She was smiling around, and then her gaze rested on my friends and I. She stepped over, light on her feet, and bent her head towards us.

"Good afternoon girls." Her voice was high and musical, and I couldn't help thinking that I would like to hear her sing.

"Lady Alice," we all murmured deferentially.

"This work is lovely," she complimented us, smiling all around and finishing with her eyes on mine. "Hello Lady Bella."

Before I could respond, there was an imperious voice from across the room and I saw Lady Rosalie suddenly on her feet. "Alice!" she snapped.

"Rosalie," Lady Esme didn't raise her voice, but Lady Rosalie sulkily and silently sat back down.

Lady Alice gave me an amused smile and a slight wink and whisked over to sit beside Lady Rosalie. Everyone else was sitting in uncomfortable silence, and with a slight frown Lady Esme stood up and picked up the lute. "Let's have some music," she said brightly, and sat down and began to play. The tension began to dissipate in the face of the pleasant music, and I relaxed as I daydreamed about spending the following day with Lord Edward.

* * *

Charles seemed preoccupied at dinner, eating his roasted pigeon stolidly with a frown on his face. Instead of taking his second helping, he turned abruptly to me and said, "I've got to talk to you, Bella."

"Yes?" I tried to sound composed.

"There's been talk about you and Lord Edward. That you've been spending time together," he hesitated before he added, "Time alone."

He sounded concerned, and I could understand why. If Lord Edward wished to spend time with me there was no way to deny him. My father was probably halfway pleased by the idea of me spending time with the nobility, and halfway disturbed by the idea of me possibly courting any man at all.

"It's true," I said, adding reassuringly, "But there's nothing to object to. It's a friendship, and he has behaved with honour."

"I don't like the talk though," Charles said, lowering his brows. "I'd rather they not be talking about my daughter."

"It will die down soon," I said, hoping it was true. "You know how everything in the castle is always blown out of all proportion. People like to gossip, that's all."

"You'd tell me if it was anything more?" Charles said awkwardly. "If anything happened…you could talk to me. I could talk to Lord Carlisle, he's a great man and he wouldn't allow his children to bring dishonour to the family by trifling with someone's attentions."

"There's nothing to worry about," I said. "And just so you're not taken unawares, I'm going to spend some time with him tomorrow. He's asked me to go out walking with him."

"Walking outside, in the forest? You?" Charles looked at me doubtfully and I knew he was thinking about my apparent inability to walk along a flat surface without tripping over my own feet. Let alone adding a leaf strewn forest floor with roots and branches to fall over and dips to fall in!

"Yes, me," I said with a slight laugh, relieved when I saw Charles face relax into a grin.

"Be careful my Bella," he said as supper finished, and I surprised him with a sudden hug that was awkwardly returned.

The following morning I was pleased to see that the sun was shining, but I was surprised, when Lord Edward found me in the great hall after breakfast, to see that he was wearing a long hooded cloak and elbow length leather gauntlets.

"It's a lovely day outside," I said shyly. "I don't think you'll need a cloak."

Lord Edward smiled. "Remember I told you that we can't be seen in the sun? This is an adequate shield if we're walking. Are you ready?"

We walked through the courtyard and past the gatehouse and outer gate. I was horribly aware of everyone staring at me in open fascination, and I prayed I wouldn't do anything overly embarrassing. Two of the deerhounds came bounding after us, and Lord Edward rubbed scratched absently behind ones ears. "This is Katya," he told me. "And the other is Tatiana. Carlisle names them after people he knows, his old friends."

The dog sniffed at me and wagged her tail, and then the two of them went loping off across the meadow towards the forest.

"Where are we going?" I asked a little timidly.

"Into the forest," Lord Edward replied. "I prefer the shade." He paused. "I am glad that you told your father that you were spending the day with me."

"You shouldn't listen in on _everyone's_ mind," I scolded.

Lord Edward laughed. "I wasn't listening to his mind. I genuinely overheard your conversation- vampires have rather exceptional hearing."

"You have exceptional hearing too?" I said, "What _else_ are you good at?"

"All our senses are heightened. Smell, sight, hearing, taste, touch, all of them. Memory and intelligence. We are strong and powerful beyond your wildest dreams Bella, so don't ever underestimate what we are capable of. If something goes wrong…you cannot outrun me, you cannot fight me off, and there will be absolutely nothing you can do to stop me doing what I will. "

I sighed, as much with fear as with despair. Now there were more things to separate us, more things that made Lord Edward extraordinary and me so unexceptional.

Lord Edward's hood was well down over his head and his gloves pulled up high so that none of his skin showed at all. But he glanced across at me under his hood and smiled regretfully. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to frighten you."

"You don't frighten me exactly," I said slowly. "I understand that there are dangers, but… my lord, you said I don't see myself clearly, but I think you don't see yourself properly either. You don't see the goodness that shines out of you, and chases away any shadow of darkness. You seem aware of every bad thing you might ever do, but not of the good you are possible of."

"Lady Bella," Lord Edward said, his velvety voice wistfully. "There are things of which we will not speak now, but you must trust me that there is darkness."

We moved into the shadows of the forest and our pace slowed as I concentrated on keeping my footing. Lord Edward held my elbow and didn't seem to mind the slow pace as we moved further away from the castle. We were long out of earshot of the castle when Lord Edward stopped and flung back the hood of his cloak. "We're probably far enough away. No one was scheduled to go hunting today."

I looked around at the patch of forest that looked very much like every other patch of forest we had moved through. "Is this what you wanted to show me?" I asked doubtfully.

Lord Edward smiled, amused. "No. I stopped now because I promised to help you in the forest, and I think we're far enough away from the castle." He murmured something to the dogs and scratched them behind their ears again. "They might follow our scent, or they might go home."

"Where are _we_ going?"

"A place I love…a place I've never take anyone to before," Lord Edward answered.

"We should have brought horses," I said in despair.

"We don't need them," Lord Edward assured me, and then in one single movement swung me up on his back, holding my thighs as I automatically wrapped my arms around his neck and shrieked in scared surprised.

"What are you doing?"

"We're going to run," Lord Edward said, his voice bright and happy. "I told you I'd help you through it." And so quickly and smoothly that I was barely aware he'd begun moving, the forest became a blur around me as he ran.

I was terrified. We were moving fast, a thousand times faster than a horse. Faster than the dogs who were long since left behind. Trees whipped past, missing us by inches. Lord Edward leapt anything on the ground, making it feel as though I was flying, and my stomach rolled in rebellion. In the end I buried my face in the back of his neck and prayed for it to be over safely. And that I wouldn't be sick on his neck.

Eventually, when I was almost at the point where I thought I couldn't stand it anymore, Lord Edward slowed and stopped. I slipped off his back and staggered, and he conciliatorily took my elbow. "I'm sorry Bella…I was too fast. I should have thought that you wouldn't be used to it."

I waved him briefly away. "Never mind. I simply need a minute."

After a few deep breaths I stood upright and stared at him in awe. "I can't believe you can do that."

"I love to run." Out here Lord Edward seemed much more carefree, and I couldn't help smiling at his boyish grin. "I never thought it might make you feel squeamish though."

"Squeamish? I thought I was going to die!" I exclaimed.

Lord Edward laughed. "You were never in the slightest bit of danger. Your weight is almost nothing for me to carry and my reflexes are more than adequate for running in a forest."

"Well, perhaps next time you plan on showing me any of your tricks, you could warn me," I said, flushing a little. Feeling squeamish wasn't my only reaction to the forest run; I couldn't help but think of how my body had been wrapped around his.

"Come," Edward said, offering me a hand. "Over here, just a little way."

I obediently followed him. I could see a lightening in the trees, a brightness that was at odds with the rest of the shadows and I hurried towards it. I pushed my way through the outer ring of ferns and then stopped, staring in amazement at what was truly one of the most beautiful sights I'd ever seen.

It was a simple clearing in the forest, small and perfectly round. But it was filled with wildflowers, like an exquisitely tapestried floor covering of white and yellow and violet and green, and the music provided by the burbling of a nearby brook. The sun was overhead, and the clearing was bathed in warm, clear light.

"Oh my Lord," I murmured, enchanted. "Oh, it's beautiful! I didn't know that there was something like this nearby!"

Lord Edward laughed. "It's not nearby, Lady Bella. We ran quite a long way…but that's all for the best. This has always been my place to get away from the castle when I needed too. My brothers and sisters probably know of it, but they stay away."

I stepped further away from the shadows of the forest, feeling the warmth of the sun gentle on my face. I walked through the field of flowers, smelling their soft scent as they were crushed underfoot, wishing I were an artist who could capture this scene.

"I promised to show you something today," Lord Edward said quietly. "The meadow was only part of it."

Slowly, step by step, he came out to join me. His head was bent low under the hood and his hands were hidden inside his cloak.

"My Lord?" I asked uncertainly as he came alongside me.

"This is why I can't go out in the sun," he said simply, and in one move threw his cloak off and laid it on the grass.

I couldn't speak. I could barely breathe and my heart felt like it was trying to leap out of my chest at the shock of looking at him now. In the sun, Lord Edward _shone._ Like there were a thousand crystals reflecting from his skin, like sun on water, his perfectly smooth marble body glimmered, incandescent in the sunshine.

"And you said you weren't an angel," I breathed.

Lord Edward laughed, and invited me to sit on the cloak. "No, far from angelic. Just…bright."

"Radiant," I suggested.

"Sparkling? Shimmering? Glittering?" Lord Edward said teasingly.

I smiled at him, but there was only one word on my heart, only one word that could even come close to describing what Lord Edward was.

" _Beautiful_."


	12. Chapter 12 - Lion and Lamb

_**Chapter 12 – Lion and Lamb.**_

We sat in the clearing, surrounded by flowers, and I felt as though I had been dropped into a bard's poetry or a minstrel's song. Was this really me, sitting beside the most extraordinary creature in existence?

Lord Edward lay back on his elbows and looked at me curiously. "What are you thinking?"

"That I can't believe I am sitting here with you," I said shyly.

"You very nearly weren't, you know." Lord Edward's voice was light, but there was a darkness in his eyes that made my stomach tighten.

"What do you mean?"

"I've told you that I am dangerous Bella, but I don't think you realise how much," Lord Edward said bleakly. "Perhaps if I tell you how close I came to killing you, it will make you take me seriously."

My breath was shallow. "Tell me."

"The first day I saw you. I had heard of your arrival through the minds of others; your arrival was of great interest to them. I myself thought much less of it, you know how we tend to keep aloof. I thought you would be no more to me than the other girls." He paused and smiled at me, making his cutting words easier to hear. "Then came the dinner when I first saw you. I was doing what I always do – half listening to people's minds and half pretending to eat. Jocelyn was talking to you, and so I opened my mind a little to find you. But I couldn't do it. I was stunned…when had I ever not been able to find a mind? When I didn't hear you I deliberately sought you out but there was nothing…pure silence. It was astonishing."

"It must have been very strange."

"You have no idea. I watched you, and when your father came over to introduce you to Carlisle and Esme I came over too, to see if I could solve the mystery. And then I caught your scent." Lord Edward hesitated. "Bella, never in one hundred years have I smelled anything I wanted more."

I clasped my hands together and stared at him, fascinated. "But you didn't do anything."

"I wanted to," Lord Edward said flatly. "In seconds I had thought through every scenario that would have enabled me to feed on you right then and there. I could have killed every single man, woman and child in that room if it would have given me a chance to taste your blood. The only thing that stopped me was the idea of taking you away so that I could savour it, and that gave me just enough pause to take a hold of myself. Then I thought of my family, and what my lack of control would mean to them and that gave me the strength to flee."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm sorry it was like that for you."

"No," Lord Edward barely let me finish. "It was not your fault. It was all me, all my dark instincts screaming for the satiation that would have been so easy for me to take. You know we are the perfect predator? Everything about us draws people to us: our beauty, our scent, the sounds of our voices and the look in our eyes." Lord Edward sounded bitter.

"But that's not what it is with me," I said certainly. "You dazzle me, I won't deny that, but it's more than that."

"You seem to be an exception to everything," Lord Edward murmured. "And yet you don't realise how rare that is."

"What happened after you left the great hall?" I asked, returning to his earlier tale.

"I made it out of the hall, and being away from your scent made it marginally easier. I went to my family's rooms and Alice came in a second later. She had seen me leaving, but she didn't know why. The others came in and in seconds I had explained. It was an untenable situation, and I decided I had to go away immediately. I couldn't risk staying, and so I left and went to our cousins in the north." He smiled. "Tatiana, Katya and Irinushka. Yes, the friends that the hounds are named for! It was helpful to be away, but I missed my family. I knew I had upset Esme in particular and I felt terrible about that. Also, away from your scent in such pure air it seemed impossible that you were so irresistible. I was arrogant enough to believe that no one could possibly have come so close to bringing me undone after so many years of effort. I decided to return, but take more precautions. Hunt and feed more often, and avoid you as much as possible, especially in any smaller space. I thought that maybe Charles could be encouraged to make a match for you, given help with a dowry perhaps, and then you could be wed away from the castle." Edward gave a half laugh. "Foolish, foolish thoughts."

"You don't want to kill me now though," I said.

"I will _not_ kill you," Lord Edward said broodingly. "I swear I will not hurt you! But your blood sings to me Bella, and I cannot deny that I want it."

My hands were shaking and I clasped them more firmly in my lap. "Is it always like this? Is it always so difficult to resist?"

"It has never been like this for me before, so I asked my brothers about it," Lord Edward said. "I hoped they might have some knowledge to share, and they did. For Jasper, most humans smell basically the same. He has been abstaining from humans for the shortest time and still finds it difficult to resist. Emmett has been resisting longer and, like me, can recognise nuances in the blood scent. But twice he has come across humans whose scent was exceptional to him. Once early on, and once more recently."

"And what happened," I whispered, already thinking that perhaps this was a question I didn't want an answer to.

"He fell," Lord Edward said flatly. "As I have said to you Bella, we are very good at what we do but the temptations are great and sometimes we fall."

"Oh. _Oh._ " So there had been death. Lord Emmett's efforts at resistance had failed and people had died. My stomach lurched and I looked across the meadow, letting the serenity of it calm me. "But you're here," I said softly. "Alone with me, despite the danger."

"You say that so calmly, as though it doesn't even matter."

" It doesn't really matter. It's not that I _want_ to die at all," I said slowly, clarifying. "But being here, with you…I want that more than anything else. And if I have to risk my life for that, I'll do it gladly."

Lord Edward was silent for a long time, looking broodingly off into the distance.

"I'm glad you didn't get me married off!" I said lightly, hoping to break the tension.

Lord Edward smiled a little sadly. "There's part of me that still wishes you had nothing to do with me, that you were enjoying a normal, safe human life."

"What's safe?" I challenged him. "You know as well as I do, or even better, that life can be precarious."

"There is safer than me, though."

"There is more with you," I countered.

Lord Edward sighed. "I came back, thinking that you could not possibly have been as irresistible as I remembered. I was presumptuous about it, thinking I could treat you just as I would any of the other ladies and the spell you held over me would dissipate."

"And did it?"

"No." Lord Edward gave me a reluctant smile. "If anything it got worse. I spoke with you and I was intrigued. Partly because I couldn't read your mind and that was a novelty for me, but also because your response to me captivated me. I was fascinated by the way your face changes, by what I could see and tell even without your mind. It was difficult, horribly difficult, to be so close to you and yet so far away, but I thought I could stand it. And then came the day with the runaway horse, and I put everything that my family has built at risk because I had to save you." He paused, and his voice changed a little, became more cautious as he went on. "My family were deeply concerned over what I had done. Some of them were furious, especially when I admitted your perseverance about discovering what was different about me. We fought about what was the right thing to do, both what was morally right and what might be necessary." He grimaced. "In the end I won, and it was decided that we would do nothing, but watch and wait."

He sounded so unhappy, that I daringly reached over and stroked his hand.

"I was busy over the next few days," Lord Edward said reflectively. "I was listening in on everyone's minds that you spoke to, trying to find out what you were saying about the accident. I thought there was no way you would be discreet, but you were. You let nothing slip about your suspicions. Looking at the future, Alice saw nothing dangerous, or at least nothing she would tell me. But with every day that went past, you began to play more on my mind. The perfume of your scent, from your skin and hair and clothes… it called to me and I could no longer stay away. I began to listen in to what people thought just to hear of you. Despite the danger to you, despite the possible horror for me…you had become as necessary to me as blood."

"I understand the danger to me," I said. "But the possible horror for you? I don't understand. You can't possibly be hurt by me."

"Oh Bella," Lord Edward said, and his voice held a note of deep grief. "Don't you see? If I slip up, you will go on to the next world. It will be a tragedy, but you will be in heaven and feel nothing but joy. But for me…if I slip up now I will have nothing but the horror of having been the one to end your beautiful life, and the everlasting grief of having lost you. Bella, I can't live without you now. The very idea of it is unendurable. You are the most important, the most _necessary_ , thing in my life." His looked at me, and the vulnerability of his confession was so different to usual self-possession that it touched my heart.

"Thank you for being so honest," I whispered. "I guessed some of it, but I didn't know it all, or know what was true…but if you meant to horrify me you've done the opposite. After everything you've told me all I do is think even more how extraordinary you are." I stroked the back of his hand again. "I suppose it's obvious to you, even without being able to read my mind, how I feel. I'm here, and I know that it's dangerous, but the truth is I would rather die that be without you now."

"Oh Bella!" Lord Edward sat up and held my hands in between his. They were cold and smooth and impossibly strong, and the touch of them was perfect. "What have we done?"

I smiled tremulously. "There was never another choice really. Right from the start I think it was meant to be like this."

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb," Lord Edward murmured.

"What a stupid lamb," I sighed.

"What a sick, masochistic lion," Lord Edward returned.

And staring into Lord Edward's golden eyes I could imagine him as one of the exotic cats I had heard about, lithe and graceful and beautiful and deadly.

Lord Edward looked down to where my hands were caught between his, his eyes wide with wonder. "Do you know the last time I held hands with someone?"

I shook my head, gazing down at my hands, wrapped in his glittering ones. Lord Edward held me, his thumbs tracing my skin as he laced his fingers through mine.

"You're so warm," he murmured. "And I can feel the pulse beat in your wrist. So very, very human."

The two of us moved until we were sitting cross-legged, facing each other with our hands clasped in between us. I knew what an appalling lack of modesty this was but I arranged my skirts as decorously as I could and thought no more of it. Somehow, with Lord Edward there, nothing really mattered but being together.

"Is it difficult?" I wanted to know. "To touch me? Does that make it harder?"

Lord Edward considered. "I don't know about being more difficult to resist you. That seems an utterly impossible task! But touching you, even like this with only your hands, makes me painfully aware of how fragile you are." He held my hand on his, my palm up so he could trace the lines on it. "Did you know that the human hand has twenty seven bones?"

"I didn't know that."

"Twenty seven bones…twenty seven bones that I could crush accidentally if I were to forget myself and take hold of your hand roughly. It is not only my thirst that puts you at risk, but the very nature of what I am."

Lord Edward's voice was agonised, but I felt surprisingly peaceful, sitting in the golden sunshine and feeling Lord Edward's cool fingers tracing the lines on my palm. "You speak as though what this is, between us, is an impossible thing."

"It _is_ an impossible thing! And yet I want it so very badly, so much more than I have ever wanted anything." Lord Edward's voice dropped, and his face was illuminated even more by the tender smile he gave me. "You hold my heart, Bella."

"Oh, my Lord!" Impulsively I moved towards him, but before my eyes could even focus he had disappeared, reappearing in the distance, at the edge of the clearing.

"I'm sorry!" I cried. "My Lord, I'm sorry!"

Lord Edward held up his hand. "Give me a minute, please Bella."

I bit my bottom lip and waited anxiously. After a moment of absolute stillness in the shadow of the trees, Lord Edward walked noiselessly across the meadow and smiled crookedly. "Forgive me, Bella."

"What did I do?" I asked hesitantly. "Was it too close? Do you need me to maintain more distance? Do you…"

"No, Bella, wait. It isn't your fault." Lord Edward sat down beside me and once again took my hands in his. "That was me…I was unprepared."

I went to pull my hands away. "Should I stay further away? I don't want to make it more difficult for you."

Lord Edward's fingers tightened. "No. I can control myself, I'm just not really accustomed to being so close to humans. Certainly not touching them." He suddenly looked at me closely. "I hope I am not doing anything to make you uncomfortable," he said. "I would not want to be making unwanted advances."

"No," I said, blushing. "This is…is fine."

Slowly, so slowly, Lord Edward squeezed his hands delicately around mine, and then lifted my hands. I could barely breathe as his eyes met mine and then he pressed his lips against my hands in a kiss.


	13. Chapter 13 - Stories

_**Chapter 13 - Stories.**_

"You are beautiful," Lord Edward said quietly.

Slowly he released my hands. Tentatively, our eyes locked, I stroked his face from temple down to chin, feeling his skin as smooth and hard as marble, my eyes still dazzled by the way he shone.

"I didn't know it could feel so wonderful to touch someone," I breathed. Haltingly, careful to make no sudden moves, I traced the shape of his face seeing how utterly chiselled and perfect it was. Lord Edward sat peacefully under my hands, his watchful eyes never leaving my face.

Finally, as we had both known it would, as we had both been waiting for, my fingers found his lips. I hesitated, looking at him with questioning eyes.

"It will be well," he whispered. "I promise you."

Gently, I ran my finger across the lips that were shaped so perfectly. I could not help but think of what else he might do with those lips and, unable to stop it, I felt the rush of blood to my cheeks as I blushed.

Lord Edward made a noise low in his chest and froze. As still as a statue he sat tensed, not even breathing as I snatched my hands back, realising how quickly things could turn between us.

However a moment later Lord Edward exhaled and seemed to relax, and I found myself breathing normally too, as the momentary tension eased.

"I'm sorry Bella," he said sincerely. "It is something I'm not used to, such a human thing…please don't let it concern you."

I touched my hot cheeks with my hands, embarrassed. "I blush all the time. I think it's because I spend so much time falling over and banging into things and embarrassing myself."

Lord Edward laughed. "I had noticed. And the blushing doesn't, by itself, bother me." His face sobered. "The scent of you, the sound of your heartbeat and the sight of your pulse beating in your neck…I am agonisingly, exquisitely, aware of your humanity at every moment." He laid his fingers against my neck, feeling the beat of my heart through my skin.

"Let's enjoy the sun," he suggested a moment later. "It's much of the reason I come here, to enjoy the sun where no one will see me." He lay back on his cloak, stretching out with his hands behind his head and gave me a boyish grin. "I've never shared it with anyone before."

"I'm glad you shared it with me, it's beautiful," I said, playing with a flower. I thought for a moment before I said timidly, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Anything."

"How old are you?"

Lord Edward laughed. "All the things you might want to know, and you choose that one. In one sense I am seventeen…"

"And in the other?" I raised my eyebrows.

Lord Edward smiled crookedly. "One hundred and five."

I blinked. I thought I had prepared myself for an answer such as that, but the reality of it still left me struck dumb. One hundred and five years of vampirism, seventeen years of humanity before that.

Lord Edward was patient with my stunned silence, lying back peacefully as the flowers swayed in the breeze around him. "I suppose it is a lot to take in," he said at last.

"There's more though." I looked at him steadily. "How did you become what you are now?"

"It was Carlisle," Lord Edward said. "He was travelling at the time and found me in a village, half dead with a fever that had already killed my father and was rapidly killing my mother. After my mother died he took me away and changed me. I was very ill and the human memories fade, so I don't remember it well."

"How does it work? The changing."

Lord Edward spoke slowly, thoughtfully. "It isn't an easy matter. Very few of us have the restraint to do it. Even Carlisle found it difficult, and he is the most humane and compassionate of vampires. I have certainly never met his equal in either my human or vampire life. As for me, there was simply more pain than you can imagine."

He stopped, with a look in his eye that warned me to say no more on the subject.

"Were you the first?" I asked. "The only? Or did Carlisle change them all?"

"You're a curious thing, aren't you?" Lord Edward said, but he didn't sound as if he minded. "I was the first. Carlisle had been fighting with himself for decades about the rightness of creating a friend and perhaps companion for himself. Right from the beginning Carlisle fed only on animals, which put him at odds with other vampires, and I think he was lonely. The idea of someone whom he could teach and who might take up his diet and way of life was very tempting, but he did not feel as though it was right to take a life. But then I came along, dying anyway…and he did it."

"And you did drink animal blood and stay with him to be his companion," I said.

There was a darkening in Lord Edward's eyes, so quick a flash that I almost missed it. "I lived away for a time," he said shortly. "That was after Carlisle found Esme, still alive after a failed suicide attempt. They were in love, and I was restless and unsatisfied with my life, so I left." He sighed. "Carlisle changed Rosalie and Emmett too, quite close together. Alice and Jasper joined us as vampires a little while later, and for the last fifty odd years we have been this."

"That's quite a story," I said lightly, overwhelmed by information and confused as to where to go next.

"And it's only the beginning," Lord Edward said, looking exactly like the creature out of a beautiful myth that he was. "Carlisle is around three hundred and fifty years old – you can imagine all he has seen and done in that time."

I couldn't comprehend that kind of age, of Lord Carlisle having existed in the dark mists of time. I shook my head and kept quiet, my mind whirling with all that I had learned.

"Bella," Lord Edward's voice was low. "What are you thinking now?"

I looked at him and in the face of his deep golden eyes I could only tell the truth. "That I want to touch you again. That you're perfect, and I'm so glad I came here with you today."

"Oh Bella." Lord Edward took hold of my hand and gently guided me until I was lying on the cloak beside him, my head pillowed on his shoulder and his arm curved around me. His face was cool against my hair, until he kissed my head and all I felt was warm.

"Is this okay for you?" I whispered, not wanting to break the spell.

"Very much," he murmured, inhaling deeply. "Not that I'm not dizzy with the joy of it, but only part of that is related to triumphing over the thirst. The rest is simply because it's _you_ here with me."

I smiled blissfully, even knowing that he couldn't see my face. I had bared my soul to Lord Edward, and lying here in the meadow with the sun and flowers and birdsong it all seemed so utterly right. I felt him turn his head a little and I nestled closer into his shoulder, surprised at how something so hard and strong could feel so comfortable.

For a long time we stayed as we were. Lord Edward hummed, and instead of being a tuneless sort of noise it was like music in my ears. I couldn't stop looking at his skin, the radiance of his hand where it was laying carelessly on his chest. We spoke sometimes, sharing the thoughts that drifted through our minds, but we didn't mind the silence either.

But gradually the sun shifted and the shadows began to grow in the meadow. I stirred, and touched Edward's hand. "We should go back."

"Just a few more minutes," Lord Edward said drowsily. "You can't imagine how much I am enjoying the peace of this, Bella. No noise, no mental barrage…I have not had this kind of peace in the presence of another for one hundred and five years."

"Well, I don't _know_ what that's like," I admitted. "But I can empathise a little. It's probably a more intense level of the way I feel when I get to my chamber after a whole afternoon listening to the gossip in the sewing room."

Lord Edward laughed, and I tipped my head back to look at him, joining in his laughter. It brought our faces within inches of each other, and I felt my laughter falter as his golden eyes looked into mine intently.

"Don't be afraid," he murmured. "I'm in control of myself."

And he was. He was breathing slowly, regularly, as his eyes studied my face. Cautiously he moved his head even closer still, but I could no longer hear anything over my own pounding heart and ragged breathing.

"Bella…" he sighed, and then his face became even more beautiful by the smile that broke across it. "I cannot believe…but it's true. I'm really here with you."

A second later I was swaying on my feet, having been swooped up by Lord Edward. I squeaked in surprise, and for a moment he held me against him as he laughed. "I'm sorry! I forget that for you it's all so fast and new."

I shuddered. "I suppose you want me to risk my life being carried by you again?"

"Indeed I do," Lord Edward said with an unrepentant grin. "You'll like it once you get used to it."

"And will you like me being sick down your neck while I'm getting used to it?" I said, raising my eyebrows.

He picked me up like I weighed no more than a feather. "I promise you that you're safe. I would never do anything that puts you at risk of harm," he said seriously, and I gave in.

We were very close to the castle when Lord Edward stopped and helped me slip down. This time he held me close until I found my feet, which hard to do when I was distracted by his arms around me, and his delicious scent filling the air. Once I was steady on my feet, Lord Edward donned his cloak and gauntlets with a reluctant smile. "I must be careful."

"It adds to your mystery," I said lightly, and was rewarded with a deep laugh.

"Bella," he said as we began to walk across the meadow. "I thought I should tell you that I plan to talk to your father."

I tripped over my own feet. "You…what?"

Lord Edward caught me before I could hit the ground. "I must speak to him," he said reasonably. "I would like to spend more time with you, so I must reassure him that I have nothing but the highest respect for you and will behave with the utmost honour."

A slight blush warmed my cheeks as I remembered some of the thoughts I'd had about Lord Edward during the afternoon that were not necessarily highly honourable.

"People will talk," Lord Edward said, looking at me from the shadows under his hood. "There will be gossip, and that might…"

"Never mind," I said firmly. I knew he was right, and that there would be gossip, but I couldn't bring myself to care. What did my reputation matter compared to spending time with Lord Edward? "I've made my choice, my Lord."

It was getting close to suppertime as we approached the castle, and I was mortified to hear my stomach suddenly rumble with hunger. It made Edward start, and then he looked at me with apologetic eyes.

"Forgive me Lady Bella, I forgot about your human needs. I should have brought a picnic, but I didn't think of it."

"It doesn't matter," I said truthfully, because up until that moment I hadn't given a thought to anything but Lord Edward all day.

"You mustn't let me neglect you like that," Lord Edward insisted. "Remind me next time."

 _Next time._ The very idea of it had a smile spreading across my face. I couldn't wait.

Smiling at me too, Lord Edward reached out and plucked a wildflower caught in my hair. Slipping it into the clasp on his cloak, he led the way back to the castle.

* * *

Lord Edward must have found Charles almost the instant we returned to the castle. I had been to my chamber and combed my hair and tidied myself for supper, but as I went to the Great Hall Charles hailed me from the passageway.

"Bella!" He came over to me, carrying two trenchers laden with food. "I thought we might eat in my room tonight."

Not seeing that I had any choice, I followed him into the room where he did his accounts and met with people. The table there was bare, so he laid the food down on to it and indicated that I sit. I did so, and watched in silence as he took the goblets from the shelf and poured the wine. I thought perhaps he was angry, and was relieved when he smiled as he sat opposite me.

"This is different," he said, nodding at me to start eating.

I speared a chunk of mutton and began chewing. "Mmm."

There was a long moment of silence as we both chewed, until Charles swallowed and said diffidently, "I spoke with Lord Edward this evening."

"Mmmm." I had no idea how I was going to swallow the piece of food in my mouth with the tightness in my throat.

"He said you had a nice time together today."

I finally choked the lump of meat down whole. I couldn't help but feel sorry for Charles, whose face was red and who looked as though he would prefer to be cleaning the privy rather than having this conversation with me.

"We did, thank you. We walked in the forest and he showed me some more of the estate."

Charles stabbed moodily at another chunk of mutton. "I thought you and I should have a chat about it."

I tried not to wince, but it was difficult. "What did you wish to say?"

"He said he wanted to continue spending time with you," Charles said bluntly. "He told me he feels a friendship towards you and if I had no objections he would see if you felt the same."

I tried to hold on to my composure. "How did you respond?"

"I told him I'd think about it," Charles said. "I wanted to talk to you first."

I couldn't help but feel a slight sense of surprise. I hadn't known how Charles would react to Lord Edward's directness, and I had to admit I had not expected him to consult me like this, seeming to genuinely want to know how I felt. It was unforeseen, but I liked it.

"I had a nice time with him today," I said softly, inwardly smiling at the understatement of it. "I'd like to do it again, if you're agreeable."

"Mmm," Charles said noncommittally, licking some gravy from his knife.

"He's very kind, and has always behaved impeccably," I said.

"I'm sure he has. He's the Lord Carlisle's son and he's been raised such that I'd expect no less from him," Charles answered. "But you're a young girl Bella, and people talk. A girl's friendship with a lord is no small thing."

"Oh, gossip," I sighed. "There's always talk…"

"It's not that I mind you being friends with him," Charles said cautiously. "But we can't forget that he's a lord, and he's making no promises. You need to think about where it ends, Bella, and what happens to you then."

I knew what Charles meant. He meant that my reputation could be damaged and my marriageability ruined. That's what _he_ meant.

But for me, the words took on a whole other meaning, and brought cold reality to my heart. Because Edward was not just a lord, but a vampire. And I was only human.

 _Think about where it ends, Bella, and what happens to you then._


	14. Chapter 14 - Dreams and an Invitation

_**Chapter 14 – Dreams and an Invitation**_

Despite the warmth of the day my chamber was cold when I entered it after supper and seemed, after the sparkling brilliance of my day in the meadow, darker and grimmer than usual. I thought of Lord Edward as I combed my hair and undressed to my chemise, wondering what he was doing now. Was he somewhere in the family's private spaces, readying himself for sleep as I was? Or did he and his family stay up later, talking or reading by candlelight?

I was almost asleep, nestled deeply into the feather bed, when I heard a slight noise at the door to my chamber. I sat up with my heart pounding. But then there was a gentle clearing of a throat and a brief breath of wind, and I felt a tingly flash of relief.

"My lord?"

"Lady Bella…I thought you'd be asleep." It was Lord Edward.

I sat up, clutching the blanket to me and searching the darkness, desperately trying to see where he was. There was a movement in the shadows and then a faint glimmer of something pale moving across the room. "What do you…you shouldn't be here."

"Forgive me." The voice was much closer, and I shivered, only not in fear this time, as I caught the drift of his beautiful scent. "I would not have disturbed you. I meant to leave you a book, that's all."

I could see the outline of his shadow in front of the narrow window. I held a hand to my heart, willing the beat to slow. "What are you doing, wandering around with books in the middle of the night?"

"Oh well…we don't sleep," Lord Edward said, a little sheepishly.

"At all? Never?"

"Never," he confirmed. "And since we see just as well in the dark as in the daytime, night means little. I do a great deal while the rest of the castle lies sleeping."

I pulled the blanket closer to my chin. "You can see me now?"

"As clear as day," Lord Edward said in amusement.

"But that's scandalous!" I exclaimed. "I'm not dressed!"

"I'll go," Lord Edward said contritely. "I apologise for the intrusion; it was not my intent to disturb you."

"Don't go!" I blurted out, immediately feeling mortified. "I mean, you don't have to…if you don't want to."

There was a long pause, and then Lord Edward said slowly, "If you're sure?"

"I want to be with you," I whispered, not caring what it sounded like.

I felt the movement of the bed in the darkness as Lord Edward eased down onto it. "Lie down," he said gently. "I'll stay, but you need your sleep." He gently smoothed the covers into place, tucking me in so that there was a thick layer of blankets between us as he cradled me gently on his chest.

I relaxed against him. In this heady rush of first love, nothing felt wrong about having him in my chamber, holding me as I relaxed and drifted towards sleep. "What book were you bringing me?"

"Some poetry. I thought you might enjoy it." Lord Edward hummed, a soft melody in the darkness. "You should sleep now."

"I don't want to miss a minute with you," I confessed. "Not even to sleep."

"You won't miss anything, I'll be right here beside you," Lord Edward said, adding teasingly, "Listening to you talk in your sleep."

"I don't!"

"Yes, you do!"

I was blushing. "How would you know?"

"I've been down this hallway before." There was a long silence before he ventured, "Does that trouble you?"

I thought for a moment. "I think I'm only embarrassed…what did I say?"

"You miss your aunt, and you miss your solitude," Lord Edward said slowly. "You dream of them often, I think. And sometimes…you say my name."

"I dream of you," I whispered. "I have ever since the day you saved me in the courtyard."

His cool lips touched my forehead. "I only wish I could dream of you."

He hummed again, and even with his stone body I couldn't help but notice how much more relaxed he seemed compared to the afternoon in the meadow. I commented on it, and his humming became a soft, happy laugh.

"I am relaxed, Bella. This afternoon showed me that it _is_ possible, and I'm sure now. I want this, and I _know_ I won't hurt you. I've made up my mind that we'll be together or we'll be apart, but your life won't become forfeit to what I am."

"Together please," I said, snuggling a little closer.

Lord Edward stroked my hair. "As long as we can be," he promised. "I feel as though I've just woken up after a long sleep…I'm feeling all kinds of new emotions and seeing everything through different eyes and I want to enjoy it!"

"What kind of new emotions?"

"I'm happy in a way I can't remember ever being," Lord Edward said thoughtfully. "Everything seems just a little brighter and more special, because I'm trying to see it through your eyes. And jealousy…I'm jealous of your friends that they know parts of you that I don't, jealous of what takes up your time when I want to spend all my time with you!" I thought I felt him kiss the top of my head. "And love…I love my family, but you've brought a whole new dimension to love that I never quite understood. It makes me understand the others a little more now, even Emmett and Rosalie."

"What about Lord Emmett and Lady Rosalie?"

"Oh, they're very…physical with each other," Lord Edward said with an embarrassed laugh. "Obnoxiously so, actually. But now I can at least see, that the way he loves her…"

His voice trailed off, and I felt hot with embarrassment and other feelings I didn't quite know how to put into words. "So… _that_ …it's the same for vampires as for humans?"

"Yes," Lord Edward answered. "I have no personal experience to speak of, but of course I hear a great many things. Physical love between a man and a woman is more the same than different to physical love between vampires. Romantic love is a little different."

"In what way?"

"Humans fall in love, but that love can change. They can grow apart, or become disenchanted with each other in a way that never happens with vampires. A vampire's love is irrevocable. Once they give their heart, a vampire will always love their partner with passion and depth and fastness. Always, Bella. I watched it happen with Carlisle and Esme, and then again with Emmett and Rosalie. I hardly dared hope that one day I might feel the same, and yet here I am."

"Here you are," I agreed. I was feeling warm and sleepy wrapped in blankets and held in Lord Edward's arms, but I didn't want to doze off, not when I could talk to him and feel his velvet voice in the darkness.

* * *

Lord Edward was gone in the morning. I rolled into the hollow he had left in the bed and hugged myself happily. He loved me, that beautiful, enigmatic lord loved me…unable to stop my smile I climbed out of bed and dressed, noting the slim book he had left sitting on the chair the previous night.

I had hoped to be able to spend more time with him, but Mistress Hildegarde appeared immediately after breakfast and ushered Jocelyn, Agnes, Lorelle and I out to the kitchen gardens and put us to work clearing away weeds and harvesting any ready vegetables that we found. While part of me was wild with impatience to see Lord Edward again, the garden was a pleasant place to be with the sun warm on my shoulders and the smell of fresh green growth all around, and after a while I found I didn't mind being there.

"Everyone's talking about you, you know."

Jocelyn's voice cut into my reverie, and I glanced up at her over my basket. She was on the opposite side of the raised bed, frowning at me over the herbs.

"You spent the whole day with Lord Edward yesterday, _alone._ " She yanked a weed out of the soil with more force than was necessary, and tossed it away. "I thought you said that there wasn't anything between you?"

Lorelle and Agnes looked up with interest, as I carefully pulled some weeds and thought about how to respond. "He only invited me the previous day," I said at last.

"Even so, I would have thought you would tell your _friends_ ," Jocelyn said sulkily. "Keeping company with a lord is no small thing!"

"So what did you do?" Lorelle demanded, sitting back on her heels and laying aside her basket. "You were seen heading towards the forest."

"We went walking in the forest," I said, continuing to pull weeds. "He showed me some places and we talked. That's all." Or at least, that was all I wanted to share.

"But what are you _doing_?" Jocelyn persisted. "Girls just don't go out walking alone with lords, they don't! I can't believe your father is willing to countenance such a scandal!"

"Charles isn't doing anything wrong!" I said, nettled by her tone. "Lord Edward has spoken to him, and my father understands. It's only a scandal if people like you turn it in to one!"

Turning my back on the girls I marched across the kitchen garden and began weeding one of the far beds. I heard the indignant tones of Jocelyn as she and Lorelle began discussing my outburst, but I tried to pay no attention. What did it matter what they thought? As if they could understand the way things were between Lord Edward and I, even if I made some attempt to explain it. I barely understood how this shift in perspective, this overwhelming passion, had sprung into being.

I didn't want to sit with them at the dinner hour, but Agnes came and took my hand as we were heading in to the great hall, giving me her shy smile and I didn't want to be rude.

"Come and sit with us," she pressed gently. "Don't be angry with Jocelyn; she spoke carelessly but she is your friend. And Lorelle has some news to share."

"I didn't mean to upset you," Jocelyn added stiffly, as Agnes and I sat at the table beside her. "You have to admit that it's unusual though!"

I acknowledged her with a nod. "I know. But Lord Edward _is_ unusual…" My voice trailed away. There was certainly no way to expand on just how unusual the lord and his family were! "I'm not trying to be secretive," I said at last. "But the situation is complicated and I suppose I want some time to make it clear for me before I talk about it."

Jocelyn looked dissatisfied with my answer but at least she seemed to accept it. Anxious to change the subject I looked at Lorelle and asked her about her news.

Her eyes lit up with nervous excitement. "I'm going to be married," she announced. "To a landholder whose property lies to the east of here, closer to town. It's all arranged, and will take place next month." She smiled at me triumphantly.

"Congratulations," I said, trying my best to match her level of pleasure. "What is he like?"

"I've only met him a few times," Lorelle admitted. "He seems kind. His first wife died and there are children already, two boys." For a moment her voice faltered and she looked anxious. "I don't know about being a mother…but it will be my own house, and there are servants. I've got a good dowry and I know my father will have seen to it that it will be a good place for me."

Jocelyn sighed a little enviously. "Just think, you'll be the first of us to be married. _And_ you'll leave the castle and have your own house." She paused. "Of course, he's quite old and you might be a little lonely. But I _am_ going to miss you!"

Lorelle looked like she didn't know quite how to take this compliment and slight together, but before she could get upset Agnes jumped in with a question about what sewing would need to be done. The three of them began discussing Lorelle's bridal gown, and I let my attention and eyes wander towards the high table.

Lord Edward was, as usual, seated at the end. His trencher looked as though he'd just had a good dinner, but I noticed that Katya the hound was lying across his feet and I guessed that she had really been the recipient of the meats. Sensing my gaze he looked up, and even across the great hall the beauty of his smile made me breathless.

As soon as the Lord Carlisle and Lady Esme had arisen, Lord Edward jumped from the dais and cut across the hall towards me.

"Ladies," he said, bowing.

Jocelyn, Lorelle and Agnes all scrambled to their feet and delivered curtsies, nodding their heads. "My lord."

I rose after them, blushing a little at my oversight as I curtsied clumsily. If I didn't want people talking more than they were already, I really needed to mind my public manners.

"Lady Lorelle, I believe congratulations are in order," Lord Edward said. "I hope you'll be very happy."

"Thank you my lord," she murmured, blushing.

"Lady Bella, may I have a word?" Lord Edward looked my way, his golden eyes bright. "Ladies, if you'll excuse us."

The three girls flitted away, and I stepped back a little towards the wall, away from the curious glances of the others seated at the table. "My lord," I murmured self-consciously.

Lord Edward smiled. "Are you really so embarrassed to be seen talking to me?"

I shook my head, knowing from the heat in my cheeks that I was blushing furiously. "I'm not embarrassed! But everyone is looking, and I don't like people paying so much attention to me…"

"Well, there's a solution for that," Lord Edward said. "At least, in a way…would you like to come upstairs with me to my family's private rooms this afternoon? They're anxious to meet you…well, to get to know you a little better."

I looked at him in terror. Spend time with Lord Carlisle and Lady Esme? Lord Edward's siblings? "But…what if they don't like me?"

Lord Edward stared at me for a moment before a smile broke across his face and he laughed. "I've just invited you to spend an afternoon in close quarters with a family of vampires," he said, his voice low enough that no one would hear, "And yet you're only worried that they won't like you?!"

I ducked my head. "Well, it does sound silly when you put it like that! But even so, I'm not…"

Lord Edward shook his head and grasped my hand in his strong, cool fingers. "They'll love you because I do. And Alice has already seen that you and she are going to be great friends so she's been pestering me endlessly about bringing you up to spend time with the family. Please Bella."

As if I could refuse him anything when he looked at me so entreatingly! With a sigh I mentally braced myself, and then stepped away from the wall. "Very well. Let's go and see your family."


	15. Chapter 15 - The Lord's Rooms

_**Chapter 15 – The Lord's Rooms.**_

I'm sure the whole great hall was absolutely agog to see me mount the dais with Lord Edward and move towards the entrance to their private rooms, but I didn't turn my head to see. Instead I concentrated on not tripping as I climbed the winding staircase that lay beyond the tapestried banners, Lord Edward carefully holding my hand.

"Nobody but the family comes up here," he murmured. "Esme even prefers to clean it herself rather than have the women come up. It's our sanctuary…the one place we can be ourselves and not need to hide."

The heavy, iron studded door at the top of the stairs stood open, and I tentatively followed Lord Edward into the room and then stopped, all my manners forgotten as I stared around in amazement.

Even built out of the same heavy, forbidding stone of the rest of the castle, the windows had been enlarged in this room and several silver mirrors hung in such a way that the room seemed to be full of light. The tapestries that covered the walls between windows and mirrors were bright, vibrant scenes of farm and castle life, and there were several thick rugs scattered artfully throughout the room. There were comfortable looking chairs and a large table with several books and parchments on it that I itched to go over and read. There was a loom with a bright weaving half completed and a wonderful polished harp, as well as a bright fire crackling in a grate.

"It's beautiful!" I exclaimed impulsively. I could not believe that the rather forbidding Castle Cullen could house a room so cosy and welcoming.

Lord Edward smiled at my evident pleasure, and there was a gentle laugh as Lady Esme stepped forward, Lord Carlisle close behind her. I curtsied clumsily, feeling my face flame.

"I'm so glad you like it," Lady Esme said. "We spend a great deal of time here, and we've done what we can to make it somewhere that we _want_ to be."

Lord Carlisle nodded at me. "Good day Lady Bella, and welcome."

The two of them kept their distance, and I wondered if they found it difficult to have a human here in their private space. Looking at the two of them I found it almost impossible to picture them out in the forest hunting game for blood.

"Thank you for having me here," I said shyly, taking comfort from Lord Edward's closeness as he slipped an arm around my waist.

"It's lovely to have you…any friend of Edward's is more than welcome." Lady Esme beamed at him, and I saw Lord Edward raise his eyebrows and shake his head at her.

"And friend of mine!" Lady Alice came dancing in from another room, her elfin face shining with her smile. "Bella my dear, it's so nice to finally have you here! I've been seeing you as my friend from almost the first moment, but Edward…" She sighed theatrically and took my hands for a moment. Like Edward, her fingers were cold, but her grasp was gentle and I couldn't help but smile back at her evident friendliness. Lady Alice had always been quite demure in the sewing room, but I suspected that this more exuberant girl was more true.

"Lady Bella." Sir Jasper, Lady Alice's husband, bowed to me courteously from across the room. His lips twitched in a wry smile and I remembered Lord Edward saying that he had the most trouble with maintaining their diet. I hoped my scent was not too strong in the room as I curtsied back to him.

"No need for formality!" Lady Alice said gaily, slipping back to Jasper and wrapping her arms around him. "Bella, you must just try to think of us as family and…"

"Alice," Lord Edward said with a sigh. "Please, you'll overwhelm Bella. Remember, just because you've seen it happen doesn't mean that you can just barrel ahead…"

Lady Alice's face fell momentarily. "Oh, of course. Bella, I'm sorry. But I'm just very glad you're here."

"Thank you," I murmured.

"Where are Emmett and Rosalie?" Lord Edward asked.

Lady Alice frowned. "She went down to the mews. Emmett is talking to her, but…" She shrugged.

Lord Edward looked irritated for a moment, but Lady Esme gave him a gentle smile. "Don't let it trouble you Edward. Emmett will talk her around. Perhaps you would like to show Bella the other rooms?"

Lord Edward took a deep breath and smiled at me. "Of course I would."

He guided me across the room and through a doorway that led to a library, where once again I stopped and stared in astonishment. Lord Edward had told me that they owned books, but I had not even imagined that their private library could contain so much. Books and scrolls and stacks of closely written parchments waiting to be bound lay on tables and shelves, and I wondered how much of it I might be able to read.

Lord Edward found my obvious awe gratifying, and grinned at me happily. "I thought you would like it. Carlisle has been collecting for a long time. He has friends who send him things, and he's commissioned a number of works. He writes himself too, of course." He indicated the piles of parchment. "Some of that is his correspondence, and some of that is his medical notes that he's compiling."

"It's amazing," I said breathlessly. "How did he come to begin it? Was he always lord here?"

Lord Edward laughed again. "No. Carlisle was the son of an itinerant priest- a monster and demon hunter. One night they actually found something they were looking for, and in the confusion Carlisle was bitten. He was left for dead by his father, and abandoned by his creator so when he woke he was completely alone." He tapped his fingers thoughtfully on the table. "It must have been terrifying. In truth Carlisle had never been convinced of the monsters and demons his father was so fervent in hunting, and now to have become one…you can imagine the shock! But Carlisle was always rather extraordinary I think. He is certainly an extraordinary vampire. Right from the beginning he was determined not to be the monster he feared he was, and he starved himself for weeks rather than take a human life. One night he came across a herd of deer and, maddened by thirst, he killed one and in doing so discovered that he had a choice. He could live on animals. It wasn't quite so simple as that, but he managed."

"How did he come to Castle Cullen?" I let my gaze wander across the papers, picking out a phrase here and there, noting the clarity of Lord Carlisle's script.

"Carlisle has always wanted to live in the light, rather than the shadows," Lord Edward said. "He worked on controlling his thirst so that he could be around humans and learn from them. He spent many years in a monastery, learning his letters and studying music and the healing arts there. He travelled for the monastery too, and while away he found others of his kind for the first time. They lived in their own splendid palace and Carlisle left the monastery and stayed there." A faint frown drifted across Lord Edward's face and his eyes strayed to a painting that adorned the walls. "They call themselves the Volturi, and style themselves as something of leaders in our world."

I crossed to the painting and peered up at it. Three fantastically dressed men seated on their thrones looked out of the frame impassively, but it was one of the golden haired figures off to the side that I focused on. "Is that Lord Carlisle?"

"Yes. The Volturi have so much of civilization's knowledge and arts tucked away in their vaults. Carlisle was fascinated by them and what he could learn while in their castle," Lord Edward said slowly. "Art and writings from the Romans, from the Egyptians, from peoples that don't even exist anymore…it was all there. A treasure trove of knowledge, and Carlisle values knowledge highly. He stayed for quite some time, but the vampires of Volterra are not like he is and an indefinite coexistence wasn't possible. So he left. As for Castle Cullen, Carlisle gained introductions to some influential people and over time his own wealth and influence grew. But as Esme and I joined him he realised that he needed to find a somewhat less visible lifestyle. Titles can be bought, and if they're out of the way enough we can stay for quite some time at each estate before we move on. Castle Cullen is not the only land Carlisle owns."

I stared at the painting, wondering about these vampires who were not like the Cullens. "They feed on human blood?"

Lord Edward nodded. "They were as fascinated by Carlisle's abstinence as he was fascinated by them. They were tolerant of what they saw as his eccentricities at first, but they also tested him, almost as though they hoped to have him fail. He thought in the end that it was not in his best interests to stay."

I walked slowly around the room then, examining things more closely. Many of the books were written in a foreign language, some even using unfamiliar alphabets. The writing implements were finer than any I had seen, and I ran my fingers over them enviously. "This is lovely."

"There's more." Lord Edward nudged me towards the door that led beyond the library. "Our chambers are through here – that is Carlisle and Esme's room, Emmett and Rosalie's, Alice and Jasper, and mine just down the hallway." He gave me a crooked smile and opened the heavy door so I could enter his chamber.

Like the living area, this chamber appeared light. There was a carved seat wide enough for two people to sit comfortably, softened by embroidered cushions, as well as a heavy oak chest and a table and upright chair. There were books on the table and a harp, smaller than the one in the living area but just as finely made, over by the window. There were also other musical instruments, some of them unfamiliar to me, and the walls were hung with painted fabric banners.

I gave Lord Edward a smile. "It's lovely."

He plucked a note on the harp and listened with his head cocked to the side, before he smiled back at me. "Thank you. It's good to have a place of my own, away from the noise of the castle. I enjoy a little privacy from my family at times too!"

"I think they seem very kind," I said thoughtfully.

"Oh, I do love them," Lord Edward assured me. "But they can be overwhelming sometimes…I'm glad they didn't frighten you off!"

I giggled. "Lady Alice is very spirited."

"That's one way to put it!" Lord Edward laughed.

I hesitated for a moment. "And the Lady Rosalie? Lord Emmett?"

"Oh." Lord Edward's face closed over for a moment. "I apologise for them not being here. You mustn't take it personally. Emmett was looking forward to your visit, but Rosalie…can be a little difficult."

I bit my lip. "She doesn't like me. She doesn't think I'm good enough for you."

Lord Edward shook his head in denial. "It isn't that. You remember when I said that my family was divided over what to do about the risk you posed when you discovered our secret?" He waited until I nodded before he went on. "Rosalie was furious that I had exposed us all like that. She was adamant that the risk was too great."

"But she must see now that I won't say anything," I whispered. "I wouldn't betray you all like that."

Lord Edward flashed a smile. "I know. We _all_ know that, even Rosalie knows it deep down. But she hasn't forgiven me for telling you, and she was angry that I would invite you here. Carlisle and Esme told her that they were fine with it, that they would welcome you here, so she's off sulking. Please don't let her worry you."

"It's more complicated than I thought, isn't it?" I said. "Your family, and the way things are for you."

Lord Edward plucked the harp strings again, the beginning of a melody drifting through the room. "It can be. But there are many things that are just like anyone else." He pulled over a stool to sit on and began to play, watching me for my reaction. "Do you like this?"

I nodded, because the music was beautiful. "It's wonderful."

"I composed it for you."

I blushed. Was there no end to his talents? The music was enchanting, and I sat on the cushioned chair to listen as Lord Edward played. I didn't even move when Lady Alice slipped into the room and sat beside me, taking my hand with a tiny smile. Sir Jasper leaned in the doorway, his golden eyes taking in the scene.

Lady Alice applauded as Lord Edward finished, and I shyly joined in. The music had been wonderful, and I was dazzled all over again by his expression of his feelings for me.

"See, I _told_ you she'd love it," Lady Alice said reproachfully to Lord Edward before she beamed at me. "He's been working on it endlessly. I think I could probably play it myself I've heard it so often."

I couldn't help but respond to her infectious friendliness and smiled back. "It was beautiful."

"You really mustn't worry about Rosalie either," Lady Alice went on. "She'll get over it…eventually."

She frowned briefly at Lord Edward and half shook her head, and I wondered uneasily what had really happened with Lady Rosalie. She would not be a comfortable enemy. But Lord Edward smiled his crooked smile at me and played his harp, and I smiled back at him and let myself enjoy the music and the knowledge that he cared for me.


	16. Chapter 16 - More Than Life

_**Chapter 16 – More Than Life**_

Loving Lord Edward was like nothing I had ever imagined. I had watched my aunt's polite, staid courting by her new husband but it had done nothing to prepare me for the intensity of feeling I had for Lord Edward. I had not known that such passion was possible, and there were days I was almost afraid of the depth of feeling I had. We were together every day, he slipped in to my chamber every night while the rest of the castle slept, and even then I felt like I never got enough of him. I would have willingly laid down my life just for the chance to look into his eyes one more time.

He felt it too. He was always a gentleman and never behaved less than honourably towards me, but his eyes burned with the fervency of his love and his voice was tight with emotion when he spoke of love, which he did often.

We never spoke of the future.

Castle Cullen was rocked by the scandal of his attentions to me, but both of us were helpless to do anything to prevent the spread of gossip and rumour. All we could do was continue to behave circumspectly, maintaining the correct degree of formality while in the vicinity of other people, and wait for others to become accustomed to the way it was. Both of us knew there was no going back.

Charles disliked the gossip, and I know he worried about me. But he defended me to the rare few who dared to risk crossing him by vocal criticism and I was touched by his trust in me. I don't know if the gossip reached Lord Carlisle's ears, but he was unfailingly polite to me and accepted me into a place in their family with a kindness that felt more than welcoming.

"Bella? Bella? You're dreaming!"

I shook myself out of my thoughts and looked at Jocelyn with a self-deprecating shrug. "I'm sorry…what were you saying?"

"You were thinking of Lord Edward again, weren't you?" Jocelyn teased, as Agnes giggled. "I can always tell now!"

I felt myself blush, but I couldn't deny the truth she spoke. "He's gone out hunting this afternoon. I was just wondering if he would be back for supper."

"Oh, I think he'll be back," Lady Alice said carelessly, slipping down onto the bench beside me and smiling engagingly at my friends. "I think his mind won't really be on the hunt, and he'll want to return early."

Jocelyn, Agnes and Lorelle murmured greetings to Lady Alice, and I raised my eyebrows at her as she winked at me mischievously before letting her gaze drift to where some of the smaller girls were playing knucklebones in the dirt of the yard.

I always felt more comfortable with Lady Alice when she was alone. Lady Rosalie was icily polite to me when manners demanded it, but she made little secret of the fact that she disapproved of my relationship with Lord Edward. Sir Jasper felt no such dislike of me, but no matter how unassuming he tried to look I was always uncomfortably aware of my human status when he was nearby. Alone, Lady Alice was becoming a fast friend.

"How is the matter of your marriage going?" Lady Alice inquired of Lorelle. "It will take place on Sunday?"

Lorelle gave a slightly forced smile. As the date approached she was getting nervous. "Yes, my lady. Everything is arranged now."

"How lovely to have a wedding," Lady Alice mused. "There hasn't been one in the castle for some time, the last one was…"

Her voice was lost in the clatter from the gatehouse as the hunters returned, the horses stamping on the cobbles and one of them giving a shrill whinny as he scented home. I saw Lord Edward's bay enter the yard, and my face went warm as I saw Lord Edward immediately seek me out and raise his hand to wave.

Lord Emmett vaulted easily from his enormous warhorse and tossed the reins to a groom, before he easily caught the lady Rosalie as she jumped down from her horse. Even when hunting she didn't wear a head covering, and her golden hair fell forward to shield them as Lord Emmett kissed her.

Sir Jasper came striding across the yard, his often severe face made gentle by the smile he gave to Lady Alice. Lord Edward came behind him, and the two of them stopped in front of us, bowing. Apart from Lady Alice, we girls scrambled to our feet and curtsied back.

"How was the hunting?" Lady Alice asked.

"Successful," Sir Jasper answered. "Some boar, and of course birds. They'll be coming back with them presently, but we rode ahead." He gave Lord Edward a sardonic smile. "Someone was very keen to return."

Lady Alice giggled. "Of course he was! But I've been taking good care of Bella while you've been gone, Edward. We've just been sitting here talking of weddings and other important things...waiting for you to return." She cocked her head and looked thoughtfully up at the sky. "But I do believe I smell a storm brewing."

She, Sir Jasper and Lord Edward all exchanged a private look, and then Lady Alice jumped to her feet and held out a hand to Sir Jasper. "Let's go and tell Emmett and Rosalie before supper," she suggested, and the two of them headed back across the courtyard.

Jocelyn, Lorelle and Agnes murmured apologies and then they too slipped away, leaving Lord Edward to take his place on the bench beside me.

"I missed you this afternoon," I admitted.

"I missed you too," he said softly. He looked after the departing girls with a slight frown. "Why were you talking of weddings?"

"Lorelle's wedding will be on Sunday. She's starting to get a little nervous," I explained. "It will be a great change for her."

Lord Edward looked troubled. "Have you given any thought to your own marriage?"

"My own marriage?" I echoed. "No, never."

"You don't wish to be wed?"

I squirmed. "I never really thought of it. I supposed Charles would arrange something if he thought it ideal, but now…there's you…and…" My voice trailed away.

"I don't like the thought that I might keep you from living your life fully," Lord Edward said, moving restlessly. "You _should_ be looking forward to your father arranging a marriage for you, and a home of your own. Perhaps children…" His voice too faded away.

I blushed scarlet. Marriage, a home, children… _a life without Lord Edward._ "My lord, I don't want that."

"Of course you want that. Every girl does," he said.

"I don't though. I only want _you_ ," I said shamelessly.

The look he gave me was sad. "You're so young, Bella. You don't see what possibilities you have in your human life and all that you might miss though being with me. To live life, changing with the seasons…you don't know what it's like to not have that."

This was as close as Lord Edward and I had come to acknowledging the conundrum that lay between us, the unspoken question of how we could be together when he was a vampire and I was only human. While I believe both of us knew that there was only one real answer, for our own reasons neither of us had ever put that answer in to words.

Unease made my heart beat faster. "My lord, what are you saying? Have I done something that offends you? Do you not want to be friends as we are any longer?"

"No." Lord Edward cut me off. "You've done nothing Bella. It's only that Lorelle's wedding has made me think of you, and the course your life should be taking. You're a beautiful young woman Bella, your father has a solid position and a good dowry for you. You have the whole future lying at your feet and yet I…I am keeping you from it."

"I don't want a future without you," I whispered, trying to make him look at me. "Those things…I've never desired marriage nor cared for children. I know most girls do, and I wondered what was wrong with me that I didn't. But since I found you, it's all different. I know where I belong."

Lord Edward's smile was sad. "I know that it might seem that way to you now. But eternity is a long time Bella, and can seem even longer when you must live with regret."

"But I _won't_ regret it," I argued. "You can't know what I really feel about this, and you must just trust me that it's as I say. I don't want those things! I am happy for Lorelle, and I hope that Jocelyn and Agnes are given good men and solid marriages blessed with children because I know that's what they want, but I don't."

"Have I ever told you my sister Rosalie's story?" Lord Edward asked, abruptly changing the subject.

"No," I said, a little bewildered. "You said only that Carlisle changed her."

"Rosalie was born to be a queen," Lord Edward said, staring across the yard. "Descended from Norse royalty she was betrothed to a prince and raised to see that her destiny was to be his wife and bear his children. This was her God-given plan and she was determined, as Rosalie tends to be, that it would come to pass. But it didn't."

"What happened?" I could so easily see the stately, imperial Lady Rosalie as a queen…how had she lost that, and become what she was now?

"Her betrothed played her false," Lord Edward said, and I could tell her was choosing his words carefully. "Because of him she was attacked and brutally beaten. When Carlisle found her, alone in a city alley, she was near to death and something about her spoke to him, because he brought her home and he changed her."

"So he saved her life," I said.

"Or doomed her to hell here on earth," Lord Edward said. "Rosalie was not happy when she awoke and learned what she had become. She felt that Carlisle had taken her from God's chosen path for her, and taken from her the children that she would now never have. He gave her immortality, but he took the warrior sons and princess daughters that had always offered Rosalie the kind of immortality she wanted. She has Emmett now, and she and Carlisle have made their peace, but she lives her life with poisonous regrets of what could have been. I don't want that for you, Bella. I don't want you to lack anything! I want you to have all the good, wonderful human experiences you can."

I shook my head. How to explain to him that I was not his proud sister? That I had never wanted what she wanted? "This human life that you want for me? Can you not see that it would be nothing without you? You are what is important to me, not marriage or children. I want the experiences I can have with _you_. I want to be like _you_."

Lord Edward stared at me. "You don't know what you're asking."

"I do. _I want you to change me_."

The truth hung in the air between us.

"You don't want that."

"Why not? Life is so short, so precarious…even if I don't die in childbed or from the fever or flux, how can one lifetime possible be long enough to spend with you?" I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly feeling chilled. "And what will it be like, when I am an old woman and you are still you…still just as glorious and beautiful as you are today?"

"I can't," Lord Edward said, his voice strangled.

"Can't or won't?"

"Both," he answered hoarsely. "You don't understand how difficult it is to perform the change. To bite and not feed! Carlisle has a perfect record, but he is the only vampire I have heard of who does. For most of us, attempting to do it results only in disaster." He took a deep breath. "And even if that wasn't the case, I won't change you Bella. I won't take your life."

"But what if I don't want it?" I said stubbornly. "A life without you is no life at all."

Lord Edward smiled and, despite the fact that we were out in the public courtyard, he reached over and cupped my face in his hands. Forcing me to look into his clear golden eyes, he gazed at me intently. "Then I will stay by your side until the day you die," he said sincerely. "This love I feel for you will never fade, never lessen…it will always be you, Bella. Your life will warm my cold immortality, and that will have to be enough."

I said nothing. I felt my love for him like a physical thing, filling my chest and colouring the world bright, but the thought of death, of separation from him even in the afterlife shadowed everything with the horror of it. Perhaps he didn't see it now, perhaps he really did believe that I should be having those human experiences, but I did not accept his refusal to accept my true desires. I was selfish enough to want more than a lifetime, more than forever…there would be nothing for me if there was not him.


	17. Chapter 17 - Play Time

_**Chapter 17 – Play Time**_

I ate supper sitting with Charles, listening to him talking to the other men as I devoured my pottage. My eyes continually strayed to the high table, where the lords and ladies were talking with an unusual liveliness and excess of laughter. It still surprised me to remember that they didn't eat, when their food disappeared with such natural regularity.

As supper was finishing and I was saying my goodnight to Charles, Lady Alice moved gracefully through the crowd towards me, taking my arm when she reached me.

"I'll walk you to your chamber," she offered cheerfully, and I obediently walked off at her side.

"Did you want to speak to me?" I asked tentatively.

Lady Alice gave me a mischievous smile, waiting until we were alone in my chamber before she spoke. "I wanted to tell you not to undress. There's to be a storm tonight and we're all going out to play. Edward and I thought you might enjoy it."

"Play?" I questioned, and squinted at the dark sky out of my window. "What do you mean? And why would you go out in a storm?"

"You'll see," Lady Alice giggled. "Edward will come for you when it's time, so keep your gown on for it will be cold."

I frowned, and then as memories of the afternoon's talk with Lord Edward came to me I reached out a hand and touched Lady Alice's sleeve.

"Lady Alice, the things you see…" I said slowly.

Her face was wary. "Yes?"

"I was just wondering what you saw for me?" My face was burning. "Lord Edward and I were talking of the future this afternoon, and I couldn't help wondering…Lady Alice, please, what do you see for me?"

Lady Alice shook her head. "Prophecy isn't a simple matter Bella. There are so many things to consider…I don't always know."

"But you know something." There was a slight shiftiness in the way her eyes moved that made me certain that she did. "I asked Lord Edward to change me today," I said abruptly. "You know something about that."

"I saw that you would ask him, and I saw what he would say to you," Lady Alice said cagily. "I think he spoke the truth, as he sees it."

"So you're saying I will never be one of you?" I pressed.

"I'm not saying that." Lady Alice scowled. "It's so difficult. He doesn't want me to tell you anything!"

"But there's something to tell?" My heart was beating fast. "You _have_ seen something!"

"I see many things. Some of them come true, and some of them don't."

"Please Lady Alice!" I begged.

She sighed and took my hand. "Bella, you must realise that what I see is not certain. There are so many decisions and choices and chances that go into making up the future! So what I see today may not be what I see tomorrow, or the day after. The future is not set in stone, and you will always have choices to make." Her golden eyes were glittering in the light of the single candle. "But you're right that I have seen you…I've seen you as one of us."

It felt like all the breath left my body. _I would be one of them. Cold and beautiful and, above all, immortal…_ "So he will change me."

"I don't know," Lady Alice shrugged. "I don't see how it happens yet. And I must say to you that Edward is against it. He knows what I've seen, but he doesn't believe it's inevitable and he plans to fight to keep you human."

"He'll change his mind. He'll see that it's what I really want." Impulsively I reached out and hugged the stone hard vampire body before me. "Oh, thank you Lady Alice!"

"Don't thank me," Lady Alice said, her face troubled. "It was a clear vision, but there is a great deal of uncertainty around it all the same. I don't know what will happen for you, Bella. Edward can be very stubborn."

"So can I," I said with a laugh. "And perhaps he won't change me…perhaps it will be Lord Carlisle. As long as I can be with Lord Edward, forever, I don't mind."

Lady Alice squeezed my hand. "Don't think about it now," she advised me. "There is plenty of time."

I nodded, but even in the dimness I could see the slight frown that marred her lovely face and I wondered uneasily what else she might have seen that she was not telling me.

Lord Edward slipped into my chamber a short time later, only a sound in the darkness alerting me to his presence. The storm that Lady Alice had foretold was approaching, the moon and stars obscured by dark clouds. Far in the distance, I heard the faint rumble of thunder.

"You asked Alice about your future," Lord Edward said quietly, when he was seated on my bed with me nestled against his chest.

"You're not angry?" I faltered.

I felt his restlessness. "I wish you hadn't, that's all."

"But she said she has seen me as one of you. So it's all going to work out," I said confidently.

"Alice is not infallible! Her visions have never been certainties!"

"But I want that," I said stubbornly. "I want to be with you forever my lord, and that's the only way."

Lord Edward exhaled in exasperation. "Bella…please."

I stroked the rich velvet of his tunic, feeling the embroidery. "I'm sorry if I've vexed you."

"I'm vexed with Alice, not you," Lord Edward muttered. "I told her not to tell you anything. I don't want…I didn't want you to feel influenced by what she's seen."

"Do you feel influenced by what she sees?"

"Yes." Lord Edward clasped my hand and lifted it to his lips. "It's easy to take what she says as certain, but we can't just make the assumption this time Bella. It's too important now."

"But…"

"It's not just losing those human experiences," Lord Edward said, his voice tight. "Although I believe that should be enough! But it's not just the temporal that you ought to be concerned with. What of your immortal soul?"

"My soul?"

"You listen to the priest every day Bella. You pray to God that once you die he takes you to himself and onto the kingdom of heaven. So what do you believe will happen when you die…and yet you're still here walking the earth?" Lord Edward's voice was flat.

My mouth dropped. Of all the things I had thought he might say, all the objections he might harbour in his heart, this was not something I had ever had the slightest inkling of.

"I cannot believe that we are creatures of God," Lord Edward said, and his voice was grief stricken. "The darkness we carry with us cannot have come from a God of light. We live in the shadows and I do not believe that there will be redemption for such as me."

That was something I could not accept, not when Lord Edward's goodness shone brighter than the sun to my eyes. "You're wrong my lord, you have to be. Surely your family doesn't all believe that?"

I felt him shrug. "Carlisle believes otherwise. He thinks that we still have a soul and that if…when…we fall to the final death there will be some kind of forgiveness and redemption."

"Well there you go," I said stoutly. "If Lord Carlisle believes it so then it must be. And I cannot see that you are damned my lord, not you…" My voice faded away. The idea of Hell and damnation seemed anathema to me in the face of Lord Edward's innate beauty.

"But we cannot know," he said to me, his voice sounding sad. "And to take that risk with you is abhorrent. I don't think I could bear it Bella, knowing that because of me you will be denied the kingdom of Heaven."

"Even if I believed as you do…it would not be paradise to me if you were not there," I whispered. "I don't believe it for one moment, but even if it is so…my soul is a small price and one I would willingly pay, just to stay with you."

"Hush, Bella. I don't want to hear you say such things."

"But it's true."

Lord Edward's hand caressed my hair. "Be that as it may. But it is my conscience Bella, and I will not see you turn your back on God."

I sighed. "You're very stubborn!"

"That's something we have in common!" Lord Edward laughed. "Please Bella, just think on it, pray…I'm sure you will see the truth in what I am saying. It's too late for me, but there is more for you than the material world."

"I think it's too late for me too," I whispered. "From the moment I came to Castle Cullen and met you there has never been anything else for me."

There was a long silence, and then I felt cool lips in my hair, kissing my head. "Dear Bella," he murmured. "This is so dangerous, so wrong. If only I had had the strength at first, to stay away."

I pulled away. "But you didn't," I said quickly. "You couldn't, because we're meant to be together."

"I was weak," Lord Edward said soberly. "I had no idea of the power love would hold and the spell it would cast over me. I had not foreseen that I would feel the way I do, when I'm with you."

My breath caught in my throat. "You sound as though you're sorry."

"Oh Bella…how could I ever regret this?" Lord Edward tightened his arms around me, and I buried my face in the front of his tunic. "I have felt more happiness with you than I felt in a hundred years before this! It is only thinking of you, and what I would be asking you to give up, that troubles me…but come now, let us not speak of it anymore tonight. I love you, and I will stay beside you as long as I can."

"But…"

"No more. Not now. Tonight is for playtime!" And Lord Edward laughed joyously. "The storm is rolling in, and it's only when the thunder is crashing that we can really let ourselves go." He rose swiftly to his feet, still cradling me in his arms. "Come now."

I had no idea what we were going to do, but I didn't mind as Lord Edward carried me swiftly and silently through the dark castle and down to the stable. Here a candle gave a small, sputtering light and I could see Edward's family moving quietly amongst the horses as they saddled them. Lady Alice and Lady Esme were dressed as usual, but I was surprised to see the others, even Lady Rosalie, wearing light armour. Even as I noticed this, Lord Edward deposited me on the ground and began strapping on his own breastplate.

"You look confused." Lady Alice appeared beside me, nearly quivering with excitement. "Did Edward not explain what we were going to do?"

I shook my head. "He said play, that's all."

Lady Alice giggled. "Well, it is play…but it's vampire play. You've seen the boys play at swords in the yard, and even jousting practice?"

I nodded, remembering the impressive spectacle.

"Well, tonight you're going to see what we can really do!" Lord Emmett broke into the conversation as he handed Lady Alice the reins of one of the biggest horses. His eyes were sparkling in the candlelight and before I could object he seized me in his two hands and swooped me up to sit on the back of the horse. "Out in the yard, that's child's play. Tonight…" he chuckled wickedly and I couldn't help but giggle back at him.

Lady Alice led the horse out into the yard and then Lord Edward mounted behind me, wrapping me in his arms and pulling up my hood against the rain. His family was quiet as they all led out horses and mounted in the yard, but I could feel the undercurrent of excitement. The horses sensed it too and they were flighty and impatient, their hooves stamping on the cobbles. One of them whinnied sharply, and I heard a muffled curse.

"What if people hear you going out?" I asked Lord Edward. "This isn't exactly quiet."

I could feel him shrug. "It doesn't matter. The stableboys certainly know that we go out, and it's likely they share the tale. But there are definitely advantages to being a lord Bella, and being able to wear your eccentricities proudly is one of them! People might privately think all kinds of things, but it goes no further than idle gossip."

Before I could say any more he turned the horse and pushed it on, so that we were already at a gallop as we emerged from underneath the gatehouse. A momentary flash of lightning lit the sky and illuminated the scene in front of me, the magnificent warhorses at full gallop, manes and tails streaming as they sped across the field towards the forest.

I was glad to reach the forest. The horses slowed to a brisk jog, and the trees sheltered us from much of the rain. I wiped the streaming water from my face with my sleeve, and gripped the horse more tightly with my knees. "Are we really going out into the forest for swordplay?" I asked Lord Edward.

Sounding carefree, he laughed. "Yes. We all like a chance to play without having to hold back and appear human. And Rosalie and Alice like to fight and joust too, but of course they can't do that back at the castle."

I tried to imagine the elegant Lady Rosalie and the diminutive Lady Alice at swordplay or jousting, and my imagination failed me utterly.

But when we reached a large, flat clearing sometimes later, Lady Rosalie was the first one to draw her sword and issue a challenge. Amidst much laughter Lord Emmett accepted it, and the rest of us backed away to form a loose ring around them. I found myself standing beside Lady Esme, who saw me shivering and handed me a wineskin with a smile.

"I thought you might be chilled outside," she said.

I drank the warmed liquid gratefully. "Thank you."

Lady Esme smiled at me and then looked indulgently at the two figures in the centre of the ring. "You will see what they are really capable of tonight." She winced a little as the clash of swords began. "Of course I know they can't _really_ hurt each other, but it's hard to watch sometimes!"

I couldn't answer her, my attention focussed entirely on the spectacle in front of me. Lord Emmett and Lady Rosalie, a blur of shiny steel and flying hair as their swords clashed again and again. Lady Alice, Sir Jasper and Lord Edward shouted encouragement and derision, but the speed of their motion made me following the fight almost impossible. As the thunder rumbled overhead and the crash of the swords echoed the sound on the ground, I understood why they waited for a storm.

"It's amazing!" I breathed. "How do they do it?"

"The swords are specially made," Lady Esme told me. "Something to do with tempering the steel to make it stronger. It took years for them to develop something that allowed them to use their full speed and they're still working on perfecting it. The armour is made similarly." She chuckled. "Although to be honest, I think Rosalie wears the armour to protect her dress rather than her person!"

Just then there was a triumphant shout and Lord Emmett's sword flew through the air and embedded itself in a tree thirty feet away. Down on his knees he held his arms wide in supplication to Lady Rosalie, who stood above him with her swordpoint at his throat. With a laugh she tossed her sword skyward, catching it and sheathing it in the same move as she held her other hand out to Lord Emmett. He turned it to kiss her palm, and then sprang to his feet with a rueful laugh.

"I'll get you back in the jousting!"

"If you live that long!" Sir Jasper taunted, and with a whoop Lord Emmett sped to retrieve his sword and the fight was on again.

My breath caught when Lady Alice skipped out to meet Sir Jasper. She looked tinier and more delicate than ever in comparison to his height and the wickedly sharp blade of his sword, her own weapon thinner and finer in construction. Lady Esme squeezed my hand and gave me a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry about Alice, my dear. You just watch…she is more than capable of holding her own."

And to my delight she was. Dancing and whirling she easily deflected the vicious thrusts, eventually tossing away her sword and jumping into her husband's arms to kiss him lovingly, ending their fight with laughter.

They jousted too. The horses, huge and intimidating enough even during daylight, looked fearsome in the flashes of lightning. Their blood was up with the storm and the sense of exhilaration, and they snorted and curvetted as they were held back, and then they leaped forward into a gallop at the urging of their riders. I couldn't stop my gasps of fear and excitement, completely caught up in the spectacle of skill and power before me.

"Are you enjoying yourself?" Lord Edward swung down from his horse and stood beside me, grinning. He was spattered with mud and his hair was flat against his head from the rain, but he looked so happy I loved to see it.

"It's amazing," I said sincerely. "I understand what Lord Emmett meant about swordplay at the castle being child's play!" I winced as there was a crash of lance against steel plate, and the Lady Rosalie was flung from her horse as Lord Emmett unseated her in the joust. Much to my surprise she leaped to her feet laughing, despite the mud that covered her back from heels to the top of her golden hair.

Lord Edward was smiling after her affectionately. "I'm glad you came…it gives you a chance to see what my family is really like, when we can be ourselves." He turned back to me. "But the storm is abating, and you look cold…I think it's time we went back."

With strong, gentle hands he lifted me up onto his horse, who was steaming in the cool night air, and alongside his laughing, teasing family, we turned out heads towards home.


	18. Chapter 18 - Gathering Storm

_**Chapter 18 – Gathering Storm**_

The day of Lorelle's wedding was grey and overcast, with sudden squalls of rain driving people indoors. Lorelle fretted over the weather as Jocelyn, Agnes and I kept her company in the morning.

"I'm sure it's good luck for rain on a wedding," Agnes said comfortingly. "You're marrying a good man and he's well-established and kind to you…I'm sure you'll be very happy."

Lorelle tugged fretfully at the laces on her bridal gown and didn't answer. It was easy to tell by the paleness of her face and the slight tremor of her hands that she was nervous. Although her pallor seemed to brighten a moment later as Lady Rosalie and Lady Alice entered the room, their ice-white skin making everyone else seem rosy in comparison.

"We've bought you some flowers," Lady Rosalie said a little stiffly, laying a posy on the windowsill. "We want to wish you luck."

It was hard for me to reconcile the elegant woman who stood before me in her immaculate gown and with her gleaming hair rippling down her back with the wild, mud-caked and rain-soaked Lady Rosalie I had watched jousting fiercely in the storm. She didn't look my way, but stood gracefully as Lady Alice offered to do Lorelle's hair. The offer was eagerly accepted, and I watched as Lady Alice worked rapidly on Lorelle's hair, weaving flowers into the braids.

I followed them all down to the chapel when the time came, stumbling over the last step and landing hard on my knees. Almost instantly a hand was there, and I grasped it and rose awkwardly to my feet. Lord Edward, of course.

"Are you hurt?"

I shook my head, my cheeks warm. "Just embarrassed. Are you coming to witness the marriage?" The lord and his family were certainly not expected to attend, although of course they were welcome.

"Yes, I thought I might accompany you." Lord Edward smiled, and led me to the chapel, both of us ignoring the curious glances.

I was conscious of his nearness as I stood beside him through the ceremony. I could not help but think of my own future, and wondered if I would ever stand in front of the priest as Lorelle and her new husband were and make my vows to Lord Edward. I pictured it in my mind, but the vision I saw was not the image I saw reflected in the mirror, but a different version of myself, smooth and cold and hard, and the eyes that I looked at Lord Edward through were a bright gold.

Lord Carlisle had provided a feast in celebration of the marriage. I was surprised and delighted to have Lord Edward appear on the dais with his harp once the meal was done, and thrilled with the music that soon filled the hall. I think many people were a little taken aback, but everyone loved music and soon the tables and benches were pushed back to make room for dancing, and the great hall rang with laughter and sounds of enjoyment.

I didn't dance. Charles asked me a little awkwardly if I would like to, but seemed relieved when I assured him I was quite happy listening and observing.

"Your toes would never forgive you if you tried to dance with me," I said to him, and he laughed in response.

"I've noticed you're not the most graceful of young ladies," Charles admitted, with a fond smile. "But then, I'm not much of a dancer myself." His eyes followed the movement of several couples near us, and he coughed slightly and said, "Has today made you think about your own future?"

"My own future?"

"Yes. Your own marriage."

My heart thumped painfully. "I didn't think you had any plans for me in that direction."

Charles frowned. "You're a pretty young lass Bella, and I've put aside a good dowry. Lord Carlisle has promised help to find you someone worthy, if I should think it a good idea."

Had Lord Carlisle made the offer before or after I became involved with his son? I fought to remain calm in the face of my rising panic. "I really don't have a wish for marriage."

"But surely remaining a spinster into old age isn't what you want?" Charles sounded doubtful.

"I wouldn't mind," I said quietly.

There was a long pause before Charles said slowly," Is it because of Lord Edward that you're reluctant? Has he said something to you?"

I shook my head. "We don't talk about the future." I didn't like lying to my father, but what choice did I have?

"You're of an age to be getting settled, and it's time we talked about it," Charles said. "I've allowed your friendship with Lord Edward, against my better judgement I must confess, but we can't just ignore your future. I don't want you to miss out on your chances."

"I'm not missing out on anything that I want."

"You can't throw your future away on a non-existent promise from a lord. True, he's a younger son, but Lord Edward will need to be marrying for fortune or alliance…you need someone who will take care of you when I'm gone," Charles said.

Tears pricked at my eyes. Charles spoke with only gentleness and concern, but the future he was painting for me was nothing I wanted. Lord Edward married elsewhere, me married off to someone hopelessly dull and _safe…_ growing old and worn with work and childbearing… It was impossible. I knew Lord Edward wouldn't be marrying for money or alliance, but I couldn't explain to Charles how I knew that with such certainty. All I could do was try and convince him that it was as simple as me not desiring marriage.

"Please Father, I'm truly happy as I am," I said sincerely. "I enjoy my time with the girls here at the castle, and I don't feel as though I'm ready for anything more."

Charles looked from the dancing figures in front of towards me, and smiled fondly. "Well, we'll leave it for now then. I have to say that I'm enjoying having you here at the castle with me, and I'd be sorry to see you leave again so soon…there's no rush."

* * *

I waited until Lord Edward was in my chamber and I was held in his arms, securely shielded from the cold of him in a fur rug that he'd given me, before I told him what my father had said.

"Charles spoke to me about marriage today," I said quietly. "He said he has a dowry, and that Lord Carlisle has promised to help him find someone for me. I didn't know if he said that before or after you and I became friends…"

"Carlisle would want was best for you," Lord Edward said, skirting the subject. "If that was to be married, he could help your father find someone suitable..."

"Will you ever believe me that I don't want to be married?" I said with more than a hint of exasperation. "And it's not entirely because of _you_ either. It's not something I've ever wanted. I would have been quite content to live out my life with my aunt, in her quiet house and with my books! So please, stop trying to make me feel as though I should be married off!"

Lord Edward laughed good-humouredly. "I'll try. But don't forget, I listen to people's thoughts all the time, and most of the girls want marriage and babies."

"Well, I'm not most girls!"

"I can certainly believe that." Lord Edward stroked my hair. "And I wouldn't want you to be anything else but what you are."

I settled contentedly against him. "That's good."

"But don't close yourself off to the possibilities," Lord Edward cautioned, his voice soft. "You don't know what might happen in the future Bella...life is uncertain, even for those like me. I can promise you nothing but that I will always love you."

"That's promise enough for me," I whispered, and closed my eyes in contentment.

The future…it could take care of itself.

* * *

The last echoes of the harp music faded away in the lord's living area, and I smiled at Lord Edward as Lady Esme applauded him enthusiastically.

"Edward, that was beautiful!"

"It's Bella's song…so of course it's beautiful." Lord Edward's eyes were soft as he looked at me

I heard a most unladylike snort and I couldn't stop my eyes from flicking anxiously over to where Lady Rosalie was sitting on the window seat, leaning against Lord Emmett and playing with the falcon she had on her wrist. The bells on the bird's legs jangled as it walked along her arm, jumping slightly to catch at the piece of meat she dangled above it. Lord Emmett nudged her, and then grinned across at me. Lady Rosalie might still be cold towards me, but her burly husband seemed to bear me no such grudge.

Lord Edward scowled at her, but before he could say something sharp Lady Alice jumped up from her seat and hurried across to him. "I'll play the flute Edward, if you play again…Bella will like that." She winked at me. "I'm nothing like Edward, but he's kind enough to encourage my efforts!"

I hadn't heard Lady Alice play before, but the high, lilting melody went beautifully with the notes of the harp, and I wasn't the only one enjoying the music. Sir Jasper was tapping his foot under the table, and even Lady Rosalie paused in teasing the bird with scraps of meat and simply sat, stroking the smooth feathers, and listening.

"It's lovely," I said shyly, when the music finished to scattered applause and Lord Edward and Lady Alice came and sat near me at the large table. At the other end Lord Carlisle was writing busily, and over at the loom Lady Esme was weaving, humming a continuation of the tune we had just been listening to.

"Edward will have to teach you to play," Lady Alice said blithely. "He taught me, and you'll have plenty of time to learn…" Her voice trailed away as Lord Edward scowled at her, before she went on quickly, "But then again, it doesn't matter, why should you learn when you have Edward to play for you whenever you should want music?"

He laughed at her then, and she grinned back at him before she pushed a bowl towards me. "Have some fruit Bella…it's something new!"

I took the unfamiliar red fruit, turning it over in my hand. It was somewhat similar to an apple in appearance but smelled different, and I looked at Lady Alice doubtfully. Like all her family she did not eat, but she loved to have new and exotic foods delivered for me whenever possible. I appreciated the thought, but not all of her gifts had been delicious! "What is it?"

"It's called a pomegranate," she said, picking up another one from the bowl and sniffing it.

"What do I do with it?" I ran a finger along the smooth skin. "Just bite it?"

"They said to cut into it," Lady Alice said, "It's the flesh inside that you want to taste."

I shrugged and took my knife from my belt. The fruit was a lovely colour and I was curious to see the inside. Holding the fruit steady with one hand I pressed down onto the hard skin with my knife.

The blade slipped.

It caught the skin over my knuckle. Just an insignificant scrape, a slight sting and a tiny bead of blood welling up…

It was enough.

There was a terrifying, guttural animal snarl, and Sir Jasper lunged across the table at me. Lord Edward roared and, almost quicker than my confused human eyes could keep up with, threw himself in between his brother and I. The two of them crashed together with a sound like thunder. There was a shrill scream from Lady Alice and a shout from Lord Emmett as he leaped across the room and wrapped his arms around the maddened Sir Jasper, holding him back by sheer force.

In the chaos I was flung backwards from the table, landing hard on the stone floor. But my terror was joined by pain as the knife I still held awkwardly in my hand scored deeply across my forearm as I fell. Even as I clutched at the wound blood pulsed up between my fingers, running across my skin and dripping onto the stones.

For a moment there was silence. Crouched on the floor I stared, mesmerised, into the black, hungry eyes of several ravenous vampires.

"No!" Lord Edward shouted, vaulting over the table to take up a defensive position in front of me. "Jasper, stop!"

Maddened by a thirst beyond reason Sir Jasper fought against Lord Emmett's grip, snapping his teeth and snarling. I sat as motionless as a rabbit spellbound by a predator, my arm held tight against my chest as the wet warmth of the blood soaked into my gown.

Lord Carlisle moved swiftly but calmly towards me. "Rosalie, help Emmett take Jasper outside," he ordered. "Edward, run down to the infirmary and fetch me the sutures. Esme…give me the cloth so I can bind Bella's arm."

Everyone moved then. Lady Rosalie tossed the bird at a perch and then was in between Sir Jasper and I, her arms around him, and she and Lord Emmett forcibly dragged him from the room. Only once they had gone did Lord Edward vanish from the room, presumably to the infirmary. Lady Esme snatched the half done woven cloth from the loom and passed it, threads hanging, to Lord Carlisle, who took a quick glance at my arm and then wrapped it firmly in the cloth.

"It will be ruined," I said, stupidly, but Lady Esme only shook her head at me.

"It doesn't matter Bella…but I'm sorry, I can't…" Holding her hands to her face to cover her look of shame she turned and fled from the room.

Lady Alice was the only one left, but she could take no more than a step towards me before her eyes turned black and she started to shake. "Bella…I'm going to go and see Jasper." She disappeared so quickly I could not even make out her movement.

I shivered, suddenly ice cold. What had I done? This accident, here in their private, safe space… "I'm sorry!"

"It is not your fault Bella," Lord Carlisle said, unwrapping the bandage to see the wound. Blood still pooled and dripped, but as Lord Carlisle held my limb with his ice cold hands the pain eased a little and the blood slowed. "It was an accident."

I swallowed hard, feeling sick at the scent of blood pervading the room. A second later though Lord Edward streaked into the room and came to rest, kneeling beside me as he gave Lord Carlisle a small cloth bag.

"I've bought the sutures. Some cloth for bandages, the aged wine, and some of the healing ointment."

"Thank you," Lord Carlisle murmured. "I'm afraid I shall have to stitch this, Bella."

I bit my lip, but tried to look as brave as I could as I nodded. Glancing at Lord Edward for reassurance I saw him staring at me, his eyes black and his face set like stone. He was not breathing, and I realised that he must have been suffering agonies in the presence of my blood.

"You don't have to stay my lord," I said softly. "Lord Carlisle can take care of me…I know this is difficult for you."

"I can handle it," Lord Edward said, but his gritted teeth and glittering eyes told a different story, and Lord Carlisle reached across and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"There is no need, Edward. I can do for Bella what needs to be done, and you would be better going after Jasper. He will be feeling terrible over what has happened, and you are the only one who will be able to make him feel better."

In the face of Lord Carlisle's reasonable words Lord Edward still hesitated, but finally he nodded shortly. "Of course. Bella…I will see you in your chamber later." Without waiting for an answer he wheeled around, and vanished from the room.

I watched him go with a lump in my throat and fear in my heart, because in his set face and dark eyes I had seen storm clouds gathering over our previously calm life, shadowing the future in uncertainty.


	19. Chapter 19 - Forgiveness and Damnation

_**Chapter 19 – Forgiveness and Damnation.**_

"He's angry," I said into the silence.

Lord Carlisle carefully helped me to my feet and guided me to sit at the table, bringing the candelabra closer so that the flickering lights illuminated my wound more clearly. "Not angry. Upset. Frightened. Tonight was the reality of what he has always feared most, that you would be hurt because of what we are."

"It's not his fault. I was careless with the knife…"

"It's not your fault either."

Feeling sick, and not only at the sight of the blood, I rested my head on the table. "I've made a mess of everything."

"It is not your fault, Bella." Lord Carlisle repeated.

From the cloth bag Lord Edward had brought from the infirmary Lord Carlisle withdrew a wickedly sharp needle and several lengths of fine silk thread. I couldn't stop my involuntary noise of fear.

"You have never needed stitches?"

I shook my head. Despite all my clumsiness, I had never cut myself as deeply as I had today. "Will it hurt terribly?"

"A little," Lord Carlisle said honestly. He took a wineskin from the bag and passed it across to me. "Drink some of this while I prepare, and it will help."

The scent of the wine was so strong when I unstoppered the bag that my eyes watered. But I forced myself to take several swallows, and once the liquid had burned its way down I felt a welcome warmth begin to spread, and a slight fuzziness of mind helped me relax as Lord Carlisle drew my arm towards him.

"Why are you doing that?" I asked, as he held the glinting spike of the needle in the candle flames for several minutes.

"It purifies the steel," he said. "I have discovered that when I use blades or needles that have passed through flame the chances of the wounds festering seems to be lessened. This too, may help…" Before I could blink he had the wineskin in his hand and a great measure of the wine was sloshed into the wound on my forearm.

The pain was excruciating, so far beyond anything I had ever experienced that I could not even scream. Red stars of agony exploded behind my eyes and I felt as thought the world was whirling around me as I pressed my face harder against the table and tried to draw breath.

"I am sorry Bella." Lord Carlisle's voice cut into my mind. "It is something another physician taught me, that aged wine on a break in the skin may stop it from putrefying. I have seen remarkable evidence that it works, but the administration is painful."

Keeping my head low against the table, I opened my eyes and looked to where Lord Carlisle was skilfully stitching my skin together. The wash with wine had done one thing at least, I thought dismally – the sting of the needle passing through skin barely registered in the aftermath of that agony.

He used the clean edges of the cloth Lady Esme had been weaving to blot away the blood so he could see what he was doing, and I couldn't help but admire the steady way he worked and the easy, relaxed pace of his breathing. It was hard to believe that he was a vampire at all.

"How do you do this so easily?"

Lord Carlisle smiled at me. "Many years of practise, Bella. I have reached a level of comfort with exposure to human blood now, but it has taken a very long time. I barely even notice the scent anymore."

"Why?" I asked. "Why did you want to do it this way, when it was so difficult?"

"Edward has not talked to you of this?"

I nodded. "He has, a little. But I am curious to hear how you tell it."

I could hardly believe I was speaking to the lord so freely, but his gentle demeanour and tranquillity seemed to invite confidences. And as he smiled at me kindly and answered my questions thoughtfully and honestly, it was clear he didn't mind my curiosity.

"Because even though it was not the easy way, I felt it was the right way. Taking life, for no reason other than my own desire, would have been the dark path and I had always striven to live in the light of God's truth."

"You make it sound easy."

"No." Lord Carlisle looked reflective. "It was not easy. But at heart the matter was simple – I had to do the best I could with the life I found myself with."

"You believe in God's forgiveness," I said slowly. "You believe that the eternal kingdom is not forever closed to you, as long as you try to follow God's rules for his children."

"I claim no supernatural knowledge," Lord Carlisle said lightly. "It may perhaps be only foolish optimism on my part! But I have seen nothing, in my four hundred years here on earth that gives me cause to doubt the existence of God. Perhaps we are damned regardless, but I have faith that when the end comes, all our effort will count for something."

I bit my lip as he tugged the sutures tight, and then said, "Lord Edward doesn't believe so."

"Edward has a complicated faith," Lord Carlisle said after a long moment. "He believes in God, and the everlasting kingdom of heaven and the eternal damnation of hell, but he does not believe that there is an afterlife for our kind. He feels that in changing to become what we are, our souls are lost."

"I can't believe that. The idea that Lord Edward has lost his soul is…it's unfathomable."

Lord Carlisle smiled as he knotted the thread. "I agree with you Bella. I cannot look at Edward, at my Esme, at any of my family…I cannot look at them and think that God will forsake them for a choice that none of them had." For a moment he looked sad. "Me, on the other hand…for all I have tried to live a goodly life, there were four dying people that I took and made immortal, and sometimes I do wonder if it was right."

"You saved them when they would have died! Of course it must have been right!" I exclaimed.

Lord Carlisle's smile was wistful. "I am never sure. But I hope that, in the end, the lord God will understand why I did what I did."

He took a sweet smelling salve and began to smooth it gently into my skin, soothing the burning, stinging pain. I watched him for a moment and then sat up, saying quietly, "I have asked Lord Edward to change me, so that I may become what he is."

Lord Carlisle nodded, unsurprised. "The subject has been raised amongst the family."

"It just makes sense," I went on, talking half to Lord Carlisle and half to myself. "To be with him as I am is impossible! Every day I grow older, closer to death. Even if I live a hundred years it won't be enough time with him! And as a human I am so vulnerable, and I know how that scares him. A fever, the flux, a fall from a horse…there are so many ways that my life could end, without time for him to save me as you saved him." Tears welled in my eyes. "And tonight just proved it. I was supposed to be eating some fruit, and yet I could have died! It doesn't work, for me to be human. He has to see that!"

"Has Edward spoken to you about why he refuses?"

"He doesn't want me to miss out on any human experiences." I shook my head. "He doesn't understand that those things don't matter to me. I don't want marriage and babies and my own house…not if I can't have it with him."

"There is more to it than that, though?" Lord Carlisle's eyes were golden in the candlelight, and his gaze on me was intent.

"It was what we were talking about before. Souls. He doesn't want to doom me to a soulless eternity. As if it matters! As if I wouldn't sacrifice _anything…_ "

"Ah yes. _You_ would sacrifice…but would you ask _him_ to sacrifice? If you believed as he does, and loved him as you say you do…would _you_ take away _his_ soul?"

I opened my mouth to answer, and then shut it abruptly. _Could_ I take away Lord Edward's soul? Certainly I would give up anything I had to give if it meant I could spend eternity by his side, but if it meant taking something from him?

"You see the difficulty then." His voice was soft and sympathetic.

"Yes," I said after another long pause. "I do see. But I suppose Lord Edward isn't the only one who could…"

Lord Carlisle laughed as he began wrapping my arm with a strip of linen. "Oh no, Lady Bella! You and Edward must decide this matter between the two of you. I think that a great deal more discussion needs to take place so that you arrive at an answer that both of you can accept." He tucked the end of the linen into the wraps and patted my hand. "The stitches will need to be removed in perhaps a week. Keep it clean and dry, and come to me immediately if it begins to pain you more, or suppurates or feels hot."

I heard the light footsteps and turned, a smile already on my face as Lord Edward strode into the room. He carried a goblet with steam rising from it, and this he placed on the table before me.

"Willowbark tea," he said. "Drink it, and it will help lessen the pain."

"It doesn't pain me much," I lied, but took a sip of the tea anyway. "Lord Carlisle was very quick and gentle with the stitching." I didn't mention the agony of having strong wine poured into the wound.

"How is Jasper?" Lord Carlisle enquired.

I caught the brief look of pain on Lord Edward's face at the mention of his brother, and my stomach clenched.

"He feels badly," Lord Edward said distantly. "I have done what I can to reassure him that it was an accident and that no one holds it against him."

"Of course it was an accident!" I said. "My own clumsiness was at fault. Please my lord, let me speak to Sir Jasper and apologise for my own part in it."

"Nonsense Bella," Lord Edward said. "You've done nothing that you need apologise for. Alice is with Jasper now, and she is probably the best person to help him." He didn't look at me as he gathered up the blood-stained cloths and tossed them into the fire. "Drink your tea."

Fighting back tears I sipped the hot liquid. My arm ached and burned, and I hoped the tea would in fact help with the pain. Lord Edward stood at the fire, staring into the flames with his back to me, and Lord Carlisle went and stood beside him.

"Bella, my dear, how are you?" Lady Esme entered the room, carrying a full bucket that smelled strongly of harsh lye soap. Coming over to the table she pushed things aside and began scrubbing at the blood staining the wood.

"Oh Lady Esme, please let me do that," I begged, mortified by the fact that my lady was scrubbing like a common kitchen girl, and all because of me. "You shouldn't…"

She smiled at me understandingly. "Please don't worry yourself Bella. Believe it or not I've scrubbed many a table and floor in my day! You ought to just rest your arm." Her golden eyes flicked to my dress, damp and sticky with blood. "I can clean your dress for you too. If it goes to the laundry you are sure to be questioned about the blood, and that might be difficult."

"Oh, I wouldn't like that." I gulped down the last of the cooling tea, and even as I replaced the goblet on the table Lord Edward was at my side, offering me his arm.

"I'll escort you to your chamber, Bella. You need to rest, after…all this."

 _What was wrong with him? Why wouldn't he look at me?_

I rose to my feet, the movement making my arm throb. My head ached from a mix of wine and shock, and I gripped Lord Edward's arm tightly in order to steady myself. I bade Lord Carlisle and Lady Esme good night, and then walked alongside Lord Edward as he guided me to my chamber.

"If you take off that gown I'll take it back to Esme and she will clean it for you," Lord Edward said quietly, halting by the chamber door. "It will be easier that way; less chance of someone asking questions."

"No one will be very surprised to find I've had an accident," I murmured, attempting to unlace my gown with one hand. "Not with my clumsiness."

Ordinarily this would have made Lord Edward smile, but his face remained curiously impassive. My stomach was tight with anxiety as I eventually freed myself from the gown, blushing a little when I realised that he could see me in my chemise. Of course he had been in my chamber on a regular basis, but I was always modestly wrapped in blankets or furs then. I thrust the gown at him, and then scrambled up onto the bed, drawing the fur over me.

"I'll take this to Esme."

"Will you come back?" I asked uncertainly. I had never had to ask before, but he was behaving so strangely I did not know what to expect.

"You ought to rest. You've had a difficult evening," Lord Edward said, staring down at the bloodstained gown balled up in his hands.

"Please come back," I said quietly. "Please. I…I need you."

Lord Edward seemed to hesitate before he nodded. "Of course. I must speak with my family once I've taken this dress to Esme, but I'll come back when I can."

It was hardly the warmest of promises to return, but it was all he said before he turned and vanished without a sound. Blinking back tears I wrapped my cloak around me and paced the small space of my chamber, too restless to settle down in my bed, too worried about Lord Edward and the events of the evening for sleep to claim me.

What had happened? Why had it gone so very wrong? So there was an accident…Sir Jasper hadn't meant it, and I bore no grudge.

So why then did Lord Edward look the way he had?

Why did I feel an overwhelming sense of dread, as though I trembled on the precipice at the edge of the world?


	20. Chapter 20 - And After

_**Chapter 20 – And After**_

I don't know how long I paced, my mind in turmoil even as the very blackest, most silent part of the night settled over the castle. I had almost decided that Lord Edward was not going to return when he slipped silently into my room, and I went and wrapped my arms around him with a small cry of relief.

For a moment he was almost still, before his arms came around me and he said gently, "Why are you not in bed Bella? You must be freezing." Picking me up he soon had us arranged in our customary places in the bed, with me wrapped in the rugs and snuggled against his chest, his arms around me and his lips in my hair. He held me until my shivering stopped and the cold numbness of my feet and hands began to dissipate.

"You were gone so long," I said at last, once my teeth had stopped chattering enough for me to speak. I bit my lip. "Is it all well with your family? Sir Jasper knows that I don't blame him one bit for anything, doesn't he?"

"He knows." Lord Edward played absently with a length of my hair. "He thanks you for trying to ease his mind. It's kind of you."

My stomach clenched with renewed anxiety. There was so much behind Lord Edward's words…what was he not telling me?

"My lord?" I said tentatively. "You would tell me if…if…" My voice trailed away. I didn't know what it was that I wanted to ask him. All I knew was that this feeling of secrets kept and feelings withheld from my lord was terrifying me.

"Dearest Bella, I will tell you everything you need to know," Lord Edward said. "But right now there is nothing you need to be worrying about but sleep. You've had a difficult evening."

"You'll stay?" I said pleadingly.

"I'll stay til you're asleep," Lord Edward promised at last, and I had to be content with that.

He was gone in the morning. My gown, every trace of blood gone, was lying on the chair in my room, and I fumbled as I dressed myself with an arm that burned and ached. I made sure my sleeves were covering the bandage Lord Carlisle had fastened and then I made my way downstairs. I was eager to go to chapel and see the lord's family there to reassure me that everything was really going to go on as usual, despite the events of the previous day.

None of them attended.

I was too frightened to pray. Something was terribly, horribly wrong and all I wanted to do was flee the chapel and run to the lord's private rooms and find answers. But I was caught between Charles and Mistress Hildegard, and it would have been unseemly of me to leave before the prayer service was over, so I merely stared unseeingly ahead of me and waited for it to be over.

I couldn't eat any breakfast. I sat with Charles, but when he was called away early I slipped my untouched bread to one of the hounds and made my way to the roof. Up there I could be alone, with only the grey sky overhead, and I could try and breathe and calm my panicked heart. Lord Edward would know I was here and he would come and make everything all right again…

At least that was what I told myself. But as the cold wind wailed and whistled around the stones and he didn't come, I shivered and thought I had never felt so lonely.

The noise from the castle yard was faint up there on the roof, but eventually it seeped into my mind and I realised that there was more shouting than usual, and a greater sense of purpose and impatience in the calling voices and thumps and clangs of things being moved. On numb feet I made my way down the winding staircase and along the walkway, looking out over the yard in confusion. There were two big carts drawn up on the stones and men scurrying everywhere loading boxes and trunks and baskets on them. Not the usual bags of wool and flour and crates of vegetables that would go to market, these were studded leather trunks and boxes with the Cullen crest painted on the sides. I stared, trying to make sense of it, as Charles stomped past with a long parchment inscribed with a list and shouted at two of the boys for their carelessness with the packing.

With trembling fingers I touched his arm. "What is it? What's happening?"

Charles turned to me. "Oh, Bella...They're packing up. There was a rider very late last night, and Lord Carlisle is needed at one of his other landholdings. The family want to leave today, as soon as possible….Bella? Bella?"

I felt as though the world was falling out from beneath my feet. The lord's family was leaving? Lord Carlisle, Lady Alice, going…and Lord Edward?

Charles took a strong hold of my elbow and peered at me in concern. "Are you okay child? You look peaked, here, sit down." He guided me to a stone mounting block and sat me down. "You didn't know? Lord Edward hasn't spoken to you?"

Dazedly I shook my head. No, I hadn't known. No one had spoken to me.

Charles looked angry. "I knew this friendship with a lord wasn't a wise thing! Tell me Bella, has he done anything to you? Said anything? You mustn't lie for him, now! Tell me true."

I shook my head again. "He has always behaved honourably," I whispered. "There were no promises of anything…"

 _But surely he had said he loved me, that he would always love me? How then could he leave me?_

He couldn't possibly. There had to be some mistake. Perhaps he was staying, or perhaps he had thought of some way to take me with him? With a sudden rush of energy I rose to my feet and smiled at Charles.

"You must be busy overseeing the packing. I'll go and find the girls, or perhaps Mistress Hildegard needs some help."

Charles looked doubtful, but he didn't stop me as I turned and made my way back into the castle, walking quickly but decorously through the lower level. It wasn't until I was upstairs in the deserted hallways leading to the family's private rooms that I ran.

"My lord!"

Lord Edward caught me as I fell towards him, and for a moment I was wrapped in his arms, my face buried against his chest, surrounded by the delicious scent and wonderful comfort of his embrace. _Oh my lord, please tell me it will all be well!_ But Lord Edward merely steadied me and then stepped away, and I had to force myself to take another breath.

"The men are packing, out in the yard, and Charles said you-your family- are going away?"

I wanted desperately for it not to be true. I wanted Lord Edward to tell me there was a mistake, or a misunderstanding, but his golden eyes were remote as he nodded.

"Yes. I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you myself, but I'm afraid we must move on with some haste."

I swallowed. So, they were going. All of them, leaving Castle Cullen and making their way…where? And what of me? Surely Lord Edward wouldn't leave me behind, but how were we supposed to explain it? What could I say to Charles?

"Where are you going?" I said at last.

"London, initially." He didn't elaborate.

"Well, I'll need to collect my things," I said shakily. "I'm not sure what Charles will say, but of course if Lord Carlisle were to speak to him…"

"Bella." Lord Edward cut in. His face was like stone and he refused to meet my eyes. "There will be no need to speak to Charles. You cannot come with us."

I stared at him. He _couldn't_ have said that. He couldn't possibly have _meant_ it. Stay here? Be apart from him? "My lord, you can't intend …"

"I do intend," he said tonelessly. "My family needs me, and it's time we moved on. We have stayed overlong here already."

"But you and I?" I whispered, dazed.

For a moment I thought I saw a flicker of emotion in his eyes, but then it was gone, replaced by an impassive mask. "I'm sorry if I have misled you in some way, Lady Bella. But anything between you and I would be an impossibility, as I'm sure you must agree."

It felt as though I had been plunged into a snowbank. Every part of my body felt suddenly shocked and frozen, the very breath stolen from my chest. I stared at Lord Edward, trying desperately to think of something, _anything_ , I could say to break through the seemingly impenetrable wall he had suddenly retreated behind. But there was nothing, and the silence between us lengthened until I thought I might scream.

"Alice and Jasper have left already," Lord Edward said quietly. "Most of our things are packed…we'll be gone by sundown."

I shook my head in denial. "I thought you loved me." I could hear the thread of desperation in my voice.

"It is for the best," he said, as if I hadn't spoken. "My family and myself will be gone, and I promise you that we will not return. Your life will be free of the darkness I bring with me, free of my family's negative influence. You can go on as though none of this has happened, go on as though I had never been."

 _Go on as if you had never been?_ How could I deny the glory of my lord Edward and the indescribable beauty of the time we had spent together? How could I go on without sight of his face, the touch of his hand and the strength of his love? It was unthinkable!

And yet…and yet it seemed to be happening. Like some kind of nightmare unfolding before my disbelieving eyes Lord Edward looked as hard as stone and as unreachable as the moon as he told me again that it was for the best.

"It will be better for you this way. Better for me, too. This level of closeness with humans has never ended well for us, and I was foolish to allow it. I apologise Lady Bella, and will assure you once again that it ends now. You won't see me again."

He turned to go, and then hesitated momentarily, half facing me again. My heart jumped in my chest – _I knew he couldn't mean it!_ – but then fell like a stone as I saw that his cold expression had not altered.

"I know I have no right to ask anything of you," he said slowly, "But I feel I must….promise me that you'll take care of yourself?"

I think I nodded my head, but with the world lurching beneath my feet and the darkness of pure terror swirling through my mind I cannot be sure. All I know is that Lord Edward looked at me for a long moment but said no more, and then vanished so quickly that it indeed seemed as though he had never been there.

I stumbled away. I could barely breathe, and I felt his betrayal like a physical wound. He was _leaving._ After all we had said, all we had been and meant to each other, he was _leaving_. He was taking his love, taking my heart, taking _everything…_ he was leaving.

And I would be alone.

I found myself on the roof again, staring at the road that led away from Castle Cullen so hard that my eyes watered. I had to see their departure with my own eyes, still scarcely able to believe that this was anything other than a horrible dream. But the thud of hooves and the creak of the cart and the jangle of the harness sounded all too real as the family and their possessions came out of the gatehouse for the last time. Lord Carlisle and Lady Esme rode close to each other, both dressed warmly for travelling, their mounts moving slowly beside the laden carts. Lady Rosalie put her horse to the canter and even at a distance I heard her teasing call to Lord Emmett and his answering bellow of laughter as he pushed his warhorse to catch up to her. Lady Alice and Sir Jasper were conspicuously absent and my heart ached as I thought of their night time flight from the castle that had been their home.

I had thought I could not hurt any more deeply, that the words Lord Edward had said to me had cut as far into my soul as anything could. But the sight of him leaving, his back straight and his bronzed hair glinting in the pale sunlight as he moved away from me, brought a deeper agony than I could ever have imagined. It was like losing my heart to see him go. He grew smaller as the distance between us widened, and the hole of loss in my heart grew bigger until the darkness of sorrow engulfed everything else I had ever felt. _My lord, oh my lord…this is too much grief, too much sorrow, please…I cannot bear it._

As though he was impatient to be gone, Lord Edward leaned forward and urged his mount faster. He passed the carts, passed Lord Carlisle and Lady Esme, and then broke into a full gallop. The horse's mane and tail flew like banners in the wind as my lord raced along the road, seemingly desperate to be away, always gaining speed until he vanished into the woods at the bottom of the hill. More slowly, but just as inexorably, the carts and his parents followed his path until they, too were swallowed up by the trees. Gone.

None of them had looked back.


	21. Chapter 21 - Loss

_**Chapter 21 - Loss**_

The loss of my lord…it was like I had been tossed into a freezing sea, buffeted on all sides by brutal waves of grief and fear and regret. No sign of land, of solace, of rescue; nothing but heartache and pain and an endless, crushing emptiness.

He had left. My beloved lord, my Edward…he had left me. After all that there had been between us, all the words of love, all his honour and chivalry and care…and it had come to this. He was gone, and I was alone.

I sank down onto the stones, wrapping my arms around my knees and shivering, my teeth chattering as I huddled into myself, as small as I could manage. My lord had gone and taken the bright glow of my love with him, and I would never be warm again.

 _My lord…_

There were no words to describe the pain. No words that could convey my sense of loss, no words that could encapsulate it and make it real. I fell through layers of shock, of grief and sorrow and fear and agony, and below it all I found darkness. A quiet place deep inside me, where everything I had been was stripped away. A place of nothingness, that took everything I felt and laid a veil over it, leaving only numbness.

I welcomed it, embracing the numbness as sweet relief from the pain of loss. I clung to it as I sat shivering on the stones, letting it fill me up until it left no room for the thoughts that could only hurt me. This apathy took away that freezing sea of torment with its waves of grief and hurt, and left behind only a flat, grey emptiness. My mind rested there, deep in a stupor that was what I needed. Thinking was hard, thinking hurt…this numbness was better. It was easy, and it was safe, and I would stay here.

It was cold up there on the roof, the stones hard and unyielding as I laid my head down. It rained, and although I felt the water falling on my face and my body shivered as the biting wind blew, nothing could touch the ice that was growing in my heart.

I didn't deliberately hide myself up there on the roof. But the rain came and went and the wind blew and the sun began to sink down below the balustrade, and still I did not move. I closed my eyes, and although I didn't think I slept it was dark when I opened them again, the sky above looming dark and oppressive over me.

I suppose time passed. It was hard to tell in the darkness, with not even a moon's progression through the sky to follow. I thought I should rise, I should go downstairs and find Charles, who must surely be worried, but my body felt leaden and I couldn't bring myself to muster the effort it would have taken to move. It didn't seem to matter much anyway.

Nothing mattered. Not really. Not anymore.

As if from a great distance, I heard my name being called. I watched indifferently as the light of a torch bobbed in the darkness, coming closer until I was caught up in its flickering pool of light.

"Lady Bella!"

The voice was deep and slightly hoarse as he said my name, and the large hands and strong arms that gathered me up were gentle as they cradled me against a broad chest that smelled of hay and horses. The face that looked down at me was shadowed in the torchlight but it was kind, even so. My mind searched fuzzily for a name…Jacob, the stable boy who had told me the stories of the Cold Ones so long ago. The Cold Ones, my lord Edward and his family…had Jacob ever known how close he was to the truth?

"Lady Bella, what have you been doing? You're frozen!"

I didn't answer as he carried me below, jolting me on the stairs and then breaking almost into a run as he reached the main floor. I heard him shout for Charles, and I closed my eyes as indistinct figures surrounded us and the babble of concerned voices rose loud. I was so tired…why were they making such a fuss?

"Bella, Bella! Oh child, I was so worried…"

I opened my eyes as someone seized me from Jacob's arms. It was Charles, his face drawn and lined as he gazed down at me. I wanted to say I was sorry for causing him concern, but my lips wouldn't form the words and it was only then that I began to realise how cold I was.

Charles realised it too. "She's freezing! I'll take her to the hall. Jacob, go and tell Mistress Hildegard that Bella has been found, but she's cold to the bone. She'll need hot wine and plasters and blankets…run now!"

Things happened rapidly after that. Charles took me to the hall, where the glowing coals in the huge fireplace were fed large logs until the flames rose high and blazing hot. He surrendered me to Mistress Hildegard, who deftly stripped me of all my wet clothing and applied mustard plasters to my back and chest before she wrapped me in rugs that had been warmed at the fire. Briskly she sat me in a chair as close to the fire as I could go without risk of being set alight, and placed my feet in a pan of steaming water and camphor oil.

Charles scarcely waited until I was modestly covered before he was back, kneeling by my side and offering me a cup of wine. The first sip scalded my tongue and set me coughing as it burned its way down my gullet, but Charles forced me to drink the rest even as I feebly tried to resist. The combination of the wine and the acrid scent of camphor oil and mustard plaster stung my eyes and scorched my nose, and the near boiling water felt like knives as my frozen feet began to thaw.

"The lass is not hurt," Charles said to the figures that were beginning to cluster around. "Just shocked and chilled. Thank you all for searching, if she hadn't been found…but there, she's safe and sound now." He coughed and cleared his throat. "If you would leave us now, I'll take care of her."

I didn't watch as the people moved away. I didn't want to see their curious eyes, didn't want their pity or their judgement. As the warmth of the fire and the blankets and the plasters heated me from the outside and the wine heated me from the inside, my body shook with tremors until Charles wrapped a gentle arm around me to hold me still. I cried then, hoping he wouldn't see, but he wiped my eyes and kissed my forehead and lifted me onto his lap like I was once again a small girl. His face was red and shiny with sweat from the heat of the flames, but he didn't let me go.

"He _left_ ," I whispered brokenly. "Oh Father, _he's gone_ …my lord Edward…" And once again I wept, as Charles held me and clumsily stroked my hair.

I would not speak my lord's name again for a long time.

* * *

For weeks following my abandonment I could not even rise from my bed. My body bowed under the leaden weight of exhaustion, and no matter what the hour all I craved was the oblivion of sleep.

Charles was tender and devoted. Afraid I had taken ill after my night of exposure on the roof, he ordered me to stay in bed until I felt well and had Mistress Hildegard put together meals and tonics for me that I could scarcely bring myself to touch. When weeks had passed and I seemed no better he had a local wise woman come. She burned herbs in my chamber and fed me a strong, bitter syrup, and before she left she placed an amulet made from a tiny cloth pouch under my pillow. I didn't ask what was in it, and when Mistress Hildebrand found it she threw it out the window with a muttered prayer.

The doctor came from town. I was shocked to see him, knowing that it would have cost Charles very dearly to bring him to Castle Cullen.

He was a small man with a pinched face, and he examined me gravely, gasping when he unwound the bandage still wrapped around my arm to find the neat row of stitching Lord Carlisle had done still embedded in my skin. He picked out the silk sutures and then pronounced that my humours had left me indisposed, and that blood-letting was his recommended cure. The fleam snicked my skin, and my mind went fuzzy and sick at the coppery smell of the ruby red blood that dripped so quickly into the basin.

 _Blood…human blood, animal blood…those who drink it…_

The blood-letting had made me more tired than ever, but as though the sight and smell of blood had drawn forth my ghosts I found I could no longer sleep without dreams of _him_. Always the same dream, as my lord walked away from me and I hastened after him, always running, always seeking sight of a face that never turned to me. Terrible dreams that forced me to relive the moment of his leaving, again and again and again. Tormented by them I forced myself to rise, praying that in rejoining the daily life of the castle I might find some measure of peace.

There was a slight stir when I walked into chapel and stood beside Charles with my hands clasped and my head lowered, for the first time in weeks. The last thing I wanted was a fuss made, but I smiled at Charles when he took my arm and squeezed it extra tightly as he led me from the chapel and in to breakfast.

"You've been so ill!" Jocelyn exclaimed, as she and Agnes hurried towards me after breakfast. "What was it? We heard that your father had the doctor!" Her eyes were alight with interest.

"I'm well now," I said vaguely, skirting her questions. "Tell me what has been happening in the castle. There must be lots of news." Truthfully I had no interest, with the lord's family gone there would be no news I cared to hear, but I didn't think I could face too many of Jocelyn's questions.

Jocelyn gave a dramatic sigh. "Honestly, it's been desperately dull. Lord Carlisle and his family might not have held many feasts or hosted many guests, but at least when they were here there was _something_ going on. Now Mistress Aldith is in charge of the sewing room and she just lectures all the girls on being modest and obedient and preparing for marriage, every single day! And she has us sewing new tunics for the knights and it's all so boring…"

I let her words wash over me, comforting in their familiarity. Agnes tucked her arm through mine and smiled at me as the three of us left the hall, Jocelyn still chatting away.

"I'm glad you're better," Agnes said quietly. "I'm sorry that he – they – left. It must be hard."

I couldn't answer her, but even in my listless state I appreciated, just a little bit, that she cared.

It was easy enough to slip back into the ordinary routine of the castle. At first everything around me seemed to scream out the absence of the lord and his family, but I shut my eyes to the memories and closed my heart to any sense of feeling, and soon enough it became my new normal. The numbness persisted, dulling any sense of joy or hope or purpose I might feel in my life, but I still went through the motions of life and pretended to everyone that I was still the same Bella I had always been. Prayers, work, play…I did what was expected of me and no one ever knew the effort it took me to keep up the façade as the short days and long nights of winter dragged by.

I thought at first that my life might go on like this. Quiet, dull…ordinary. It gave me no particular pleasure, but neither did it cause pain and I thought that perhaps I had already lived my lifetime allotment of joy in the brief, glorious months that I had had _him._ Perhaps this quiet acceptance was what was left for me, this colourless life of duty to my father and work for the community here in the castle.

Of course, life seldom works as we expect it too and I was to be no exception to this rule.

It wasn't anything really big that changed everything. Or at least it didn't seem so at the time. It was Jacob, making his way into the great hall one evening at the tail end of the supper hour and kneeling beside where my father sat at my left hand.

"There's been a rider," he said quietly. "I think you had better come, Sir."

A sudden, blinding ray of hope took my breath away. It couldn't be…

"It's the lady Lorelle."

I should have known. I bowed my head, feeling once again the icy grip of grief on my heart. Of course it wasn't…

Charles rose to his feet, swallowing the last of his wine and leaving the goblet on the table. "Bella, come with me."

I left my mostly uneaten meal and followed my father and Jacob as they wound their way through the hall and out to the courtyard. There the snow had been trampled to mud, and I held my skirts up and tried not to slip as I hurried to catch up to them as Jacob held the stable door open.

Lorelle sat on a bench, every line of her slumped body betraying her exhaustion. Her hair was coming free of its pins and falling in unkempt waves, long enough to touch the face of the sleeping child she was cradling limply in her arms. She looked up at the noise of our arrival, and in her burning eyes I had never seen such a look of desperation.

"Charles the Steward," she said, struggling to stand. "Please…"

She swayed dangerously on her feet and I hurried to support her as Charles immediately took the child from her arms. Lorelle gripped my hand and closed her eyes with a deep shuddering breath, before she said tonelessly, "They're dead."

Charles, Jacob and I all stared at her, wondering for a moment if she was quite right in the head.

"Who? Where is your husband?"

Lorelle stared at us but I don't know if she really even saw us as she repeated her words. "They're dead."

"Your husband is dead?" Charles said gently. He looked at the sleeping girl in his arms. "And this is one of the children? Where are the others? Why have you come here?"

"They're dead. They are all of them quite, quite dead." Lorelle's face twisted, and then she laughed. Wild laughter with a touch of insanity to it that set the horses to moving uneasily in their stalls and made me shiver with the feeling of horror that crept up my spine.

Jacob's hand cracked across her face, and her wild laughter cut out abruptly. "Talk sense, woman!"

Lorelle pressed her hand to her scarlet cheek. "The pestilence came," she whispered. "The pig boy died first, and then the neighbours…horrible people, I didn't even care…but then it came to the house. The maid, oh she lingered for days! But the boys went quickly, and then my husband and other little daughter…I went to the village, for someone to bury them…" She reached a trembling hand out to touch the head of the child in Charles' arm. "But in the village…there was no one left to come. No one at all."

I hugged her then, and she wept on my shoulder. I looked in bewilderment over her bowed head towards Charles and said, "I have heard nothing of such a pestilence." But I thought of my apathy and indifference to castle news and gossip, and knew that people could have been talking of it for weeks and I would not have noticed.

"There have been tales," Charles said briefly.

"I thought they weren't true," Lorelle said hoarsely. "I thought they were only stories, but…"

"It's all right Lorelle," I said gently, squeezing her shoulder in an effort to calm her. "You've had a terrible time, but you're here now. You can rest, here where you're safe."

 _I didn't know_. _No one_ knew what a fragile illusion our safety would prove to be. But in her desperate flight Lorelle had brought more with her than just a child and an exhausted horse. She had brought Death, with his shadowy, grasping fingers and pitiless stare, and he would not leave again until his bloody reaping was done.


	22. Chapter 22 - The Pestilence

_**Chapter 22 – The Pestilence**_

"We'll take her to your chamber Bella," Charles said at last. "If you don't mind, we'll put her and the child to bed in there. She doesn't seem in any state to answer questions now."

"I'll ride for her holding," Jacob said. "If I take a good horse I can be there and back by late tomorrow. It would be just as well for us to be sure of what she says."

Charles nodded. "Agreed. Take the black mare, she's fast and sound. Bella, let's get these two up to your bed."

In my chamber Lorelle collapsed on the bed and was asleep almost before I drew the blankets up to cover her. The little girl, who told me her name was Nell, woke and complained of hunger so Charles went to fetch some food. He returned with some cold ale and a hunk of bread, and the child fell on the food as though she hadn't eaten for days.

"There's been no baking since Alys took sick," she told us. "Mother Lorelle was busy taking care of my brothers, and then Papa and Jane got the pestilence too. I'm too little to know how to make bread." She gazed at me solemnly, the bread in her hand forgotten. "In the village they called it the blue sickness, and they all died too. I saw them."

Charles and I exchanged a glance. We were all used to death. Illness or accident could happen at any time and work swiftly to take away loved ones, but a whole family, a whole village?

"Hush now, child," Charles said softly. "Finish your supper and then you can sleep."

He drew me over to the doorway, his face troubled. "I don't like this Bella," he said, his voice low enough that Nell might not here. "I've heard of this blue sickness and it's bad, very bad. We don't want to raise a panic…if you can keep Lorelle here tomorrow morning, do that. I don't want her talking like she was tonight if we can help it." He pressed a sudden kiss onto my forehead and muttered, "My dear daughter."

A little unsettled by this unusual display of affection I bade him goodnight. I helped little Nell with the chamber pot and then tucked her into bed beside Lorelle, where she soon slipped away into dreams as well. Feeling deeply uneasy I wrapped my cloak around me and lay at the end of the bed.

"Lady? Lady?" Small hands clutched at my arm, shaking me from sleep.

Blearily I opened my eyes, and in the half-light of dawn I saw Nell leaning over me, her blue eyes wide and frightened. "What is it?"

"It's Mother Lorelle," she said tremblingly. "I think she has the pestilence."

I crawled up the bed to look at Lorelle, and my heart sank. She was still sleeping, but her face was flushed with fever.

"She is just tired from your journey," I said. "Perhaps she has a little chill, but I'm sure…"

"No." Nell shook her head, and her eyes suddenly looked very old. "It is the pestilence, I know. This is how it begins." She tugged fruitlessly at Lorelle's gown. "I will show you."

I helped her remove the heavy gown, which was damp with sweat, and then Nell pushed Lorelle's chemise aside. "You see it," she said quietly. "This is what the blue sickness does."

Lorelle's arm lay at an awkward angle away from her body, and once I saw her armpit I understood why, because there could be seen a blue-black swelling the size of an egg.

I turned away and took my time arranging the gown over the chair to air out, not wanting the child to see my face. I was frightened. Lorelle's new family had had this sickness and they had all succumbed to it. Was she dying too? But then, Lorelle was a new bride and inexperienced with sickness and nursing…perhaps there was more that could be done.

"You stay here with her," I told Nell. "I'll fetch some help. Mistress Hildegard will know what to do."

I made my way downstairs, catching hold of Charles' sleeve just before he entered the chapel. He stepped out of the stream of people making their way to prayers, and the two of us moved away so that we might speak privately.

"Lorelle is unwell," I said. "She has a fever, and a terrible swelling under her arm. The child says that it's the pestilence, that this is how it began in the others. I think Mistress Hildegard should come and see what can be done."

Charles nodded, and a moment later had beckoned Mistress Hildegard from the chapel and the three of us were conferring in the hall.

"I'll brew some fever tea," she said briskly. "If we can get some of that in to her it will help. A swelling you say? I'll fix a poultice for that. You go in to chapel and I'll take care of her."

I prayed for Lorelle in chapel. Her sudden arrival and the terrifying tales of pestilence and death she had brought with her had managed to do what nothing else had, and jolt me out of the apathy that had clouded all my days since _he_ had left. For the first time in months the numbness was gone, and I swung between concern for Lorelle and a creeping horror at the story of devastation she had told.

When the service was over I hurried to the hall, intending to fetch some breakfast for Lorelle. Jocelyn and Agnes were already there, Jocelyn flirting with the squires, but when she saw me she broke away from them and hurried over.

"Bella! I heard that Lorelle has come back," Jocelyn exclaimed, avid for gossip. "Is it true? And without her husband?"

"Her husband died," I said. "She did not run away from him. After his death she rode here with one of the children. I'm just going to take them up some breakfast."

"Let me help," Agnes offered.

Looking at the three cups of ale I was trying to hold while I balanced a hunk of bread on top of them, and considering the likelihood of me being able to get to my chamber without tripping and spilling everything, I gratefully handed the ale to her, keeping the bread for myself as less likely to be broken. "Thank you."

Jocelyn stuffed what remained of her own breakfast into her mouth and took another ale cup and the three of us went upstairs. Mistress Hildegard had been and gone and the room smelled faintly of fever tea and the herbs and goose grease that made up the poultice that was applied to Lorelle's underarm.

Lorelle herself was awake, her eyes fever bright despite the tea. But she smiled at the sight of us, and tried to sit up before falling weakly back against the pillows, saying hoarsely, "Girls! It's lovely to see you."

Jocelyn and Agnes rushed over to embrace her, and I smiled at little Nell and handed her some bread. "Breakfast."

"I will give some to Mother Lorelle," she said, scrambling up onto the bed and breaking off tiny morsels of bread that she gently fed to Lorelle. I took an ale cup and helped her sip it in between bites, at the same time as I ate my own.

"I'm so sorry about your husband," Agnes said. "To be widowed so soon after being wed is tragic."

Tears spilled down Lorelle's cheeks. "He was such a good man, and he suffered so much. And the children…" She turned her head into the pillow, and her shoulders shook with sobs.

Agnes, Jocelyn and I moved closer, petting and stroking her hair and murmuring soothing words. Lorelle had often seemed petty and shallow, but her grief was genuine and I thought that marriage had changed her.

"Did the children die too?" Agnes was horrified. We all knew that Lorelle's husband had had two daughters and three sons that she had become mother to on her marriage.

"Except Nell," I murmured, nodding to the little one. She remained quiet, her fingers crumbling the bread into smaller and smaller pieces as she stared at her mother.

Lorelle fell into a feverish sleep soon after, and Agnes stayed to watch over her while I took Nell down to the well and helped her wash her hands and face. I saw the cook's two little girls, swinging a basket between them and singing as they skipped to collect the eggs, and not knowing what else to do with her I sent Nell to help them.

The rest of the day dragged. Under the direction of Mistress Hildegard I coaxed Lorelle to drink fever tea as often as she was awake and applied the poultices she had the kitchen girls carry up. As the day wore on parts of Lorelle's body took on a bluish-black tinge as bruises bloomed under her skin, and I began to understand why it had been called the 'blue sickness'. It was a boring day but not a lonely one, as Agnes and Jocelyn both visited again, and several of the older ladies came by to offer their help and comfort to Lorelle. They all seemed more surprised to see me active and alert than they did to see Lorelle ill and back at the castle.

I knew we couldn't expect Jacob's return until at least suppertime, but that didn't stop my eyes straying towards the stables every time I heard hoofbeats throughout the afternoon.

Lorelle's fever soared as night began to fall, despite all the fever tea. In her delirium she spoke of pestilence and death and loss, and tears rolled down her cheeks as she talked to her ghosts, imploring them to be well, to fight, to _live_ …

She said all the words that I would have said to her, were she well enough to hear me.

Agnes came back at suppertime and bade me go and eat, while she kept watch over Lorelle. I thanked her and, relieved to be away from the sight and smell of sickness for a time, hurried down to the hall and slid into a place beside Charles.

"Bella," he greeted me.

I nodded to him and then made my greeting to Mistress Hildegard, who was sitting beside him.

"How is Lorelle?" she asked. "I sent Agnes up with some broth for her supper."

"We could not rouse her to take it," I admitted. "The fever is high and her mind is wandering when she does wake."

Mistress Hildegard frowned. "And the swelling? The poultices ought to have made a difference by now!"

"There is no change for the better. It is close to black now." I hesitated as the serving girls placed food before me and one offered me a goblet of wine. I thanked her, and waited until she had moved along the table before I said, "She hasn't moved from the bed, but even so her body bruises as though she has been beaten."

"I will come and see her after supper," Mistress Hildegard promised. "Although this illness is a mystery to me, perhaps there is something we can do." She sighed. "If only his lordship was still here! He would be bound to know something of this pestilence…"

"How is little Nell?" I asked hastily, not wanting to think about Lord Carlisle or any of his family.

"She's over there with the cook's two daughters," Mistress Hildegard replied, pointing to one of the lower tables. "They've quite taken her under their wing, and the three of them spent the afternoon playing hide and go seek in the hayloft with the cottar's children. They said they'd have her sleep with them, but if you want her help with her mother then you've only to say."

I shook my head. Nell was laughing with the two little girls, and I thought that there was little she could do to help Lorelle. She might as well stay where she was.

"Has Jacob returned?" I asked Charles.

He shook his head. "I expect him at any moment."

And indeed, we were only halfway through supper when Jacob entered through the large doors and made his way slowly through the tables towards us, just as he had the evening before. But this was a very different Jacob to that of the previous night. This Jacob was caked in dirt, his face almost grey with tiredness, and he made no response to the friendly voices that hailed him. When he knelt beside me to talk to Charles, his voice shook.

"You saw it then, lad?" Charles asked, laying a strong hand on Jacob's shoulder. "It was like she said?"

Jacob nodded jerkily. "It was…as she said. They are all gone." He swallowed hard and went on, his voice cracking with the effort. "I went to her house first, to see…and there were three little graves, all in a row in the south field. Her sons. And a larger one for the kitchen woman, and another for the maid. Then inside I found…her husband…and a little lass, all black and with the flies buzzing despite the cold. I dug another grave and buried them, both together."

I stared at him, my heart pounding. "The village. Did you go to the village?"

"It was worse." Jacob wouldn't meet my eyes. "There were fresh graves in the churchyard, but those buried there…they're the lucky ones. The others were left to rot where they died, and the animals were hungry…" He shuddered.

Charles' face paled, and I felt a swirl of sickness.

"I didn't bury them," Jacob muttered. "It is a small village, but there were too many…I thought I could take some of the men and go back. The poor souls cannot be left as they are."

"We'll go in the morning," Charles said. He pushed away what remained of his dinner and shook his head. "I thought all those tales of the pestilence were exaggerations. But this…"

"What about Lorelle?" I whispered. "She is so ill, and the child says the signs are that it is the same pestilence that took the others in the family to death… Surely she won't...?" I couldn't finish.

Jacob closed his eyes for a long moment and his face bore no expression as he said quietly, "If she has this sickness, then you had best get the priest and see that she is shriven."

* * *

Lorelle was dead before the following midday.


	23. Chapter 23 - Death

_**Chapter 23 – Death**_

Mistress Hildegard and some of the older ladies saw to Lorelle's laying out. I was glad. I had been there as she drew her last breath and heard the death rattle, but I had no desire to take on the task of cleaning her body of the stink of sickness and death and wrapping her in her winding clothes.

I had never been so intimate with death before. I _knew_ people who had died - my mother had died when I was a child. My grandmother had died, friends of my aunt had died, children I knew had died. But I had not been present for any of these deaths the way I had been a reluctant witness to Lorelle's last hours.

Wearily I drew some water from the well and scrubbed my face and arms. I changed my gown for a fresh one and sponged the other clean, laying it over a chair to dry. Agnes joined me, her eyes red from crying, to help with the soiled bedclothes and flipping over the feather mattress. We were so busy cleaning up that we forgot altogether the little girl Lorelle had brought with her, until there was a rustle at the door and a soft voice asking, "Is Mother Lorelle dead?"

Agnes, much more at ease with small children than I was, went and knelt in front of Nell, taking her hands as she said gently, "Your mother has gone to heaven."

"Like Papa and Jane and Alistair and Dwennon and Ranulf and Baldwin the pig boy and Isabel who did the cleaning and Alys and Brom and Simon from the village and…" Nell's voice trailed away and she took a deep breath. "Everyone. Everyone has gone away."

 _Just like my lord went away._

The words came unbidden to my mind, and I felt my chest contract with loss and longing. But for the first time the thought of him didn't bring me to my knees with the agony of his absence. I had lost him, but unlike this child I had not lost everyone. I had my father. I had my friends. Although my life would always be a shadow of what it could have been with my lord, there was still a chance for me to create some kind of happiness.

"What will happen to me now?" Nell asked. "There won't be anyone at home to bake the bread and milk the cow and chop the wood. I can't do it all by myself!"

"We will look after you here for the time being," Agnes reassured her. "Charles the Steward will try and find some of your relatives, and perhaps you will go and live with them. But you don't need to worry, you won't be left alone."

"What if the pestilence comes here? What if everyone dies?"

"That won't happen," Agnes said firmly. "We will say our prayers and offer up our sins, and the good Lord will protect us."

"Mother Lorelle made us pray everyday," Nell said flatly. "She made us kneel so long my knees ached, but nothing can stop the pestilence. Not even God."

* * *

Lorelle was buried the following afternoon. It was a good funeral and, remembering the ugliness of her death, I made a special prayer for her peace. I prayed too for the child she had left behind, that she might find peace in her loss and a secure future.

I walked back from the churchyard with Charles, who took my arm against the slippery mud of the path. He was not usually so physically affectionate, and I looked up at him in puzzlement, seeing how lined and tired his face looked.

"Are you quite well, Father?"

"Oh, aye, I'm fine," he said with an attempt at a smile. "I was just thinking of the time in the village with Jacob and the others today, seeing to the burials there."

"Was it awful?" I asked tentatively.

Charles nodded soberly. "It seems a terrible sickness. I don't like to think what might happen if it should take hold here." He held my arm a little tighter.

"What will happen to Nell?" I asked, seeing the little girl walking ahead of me, her head down.

"Her father had a brother in town, I believe," Charles said. "I've sent one of the boys with a letter for him. The lass stands to inherit the property, so her relatives are sure to see her right."

I was glad to know that she would be taken care of. A child alone could be vulnerable, but a child with land and property would be sure to find a place with family who would look after her.

"It's been good to see you, these last few days," Charles said awkwardly. "Even with things being difficult, you seem a little…better. You did a good job with the nursing and taking care of the little lass. Even Mistress Hildegard commented that you've been a little more lively."

I blushed uncomfortably. For the first time it occurred to me that in my devastation over the loss of my lord I had closed my eyes to the other people around me who cared for me, and that perhaps this was not fair. I had shut them out when they would have helped me, blindly nursing a grief so fierce that they could only witness while I refused to let them comfort me. The shock of Lorelle's illness and the sudden encroaching of death into the castle had jolted me out of my self-absorption, and for the first time I really acknowledged to myself how much my father must love me, and I was grateful for it.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I haven't said so, but I am thankful for all you've done to care for me. I think…I am maybe a little better now."

Charles nodded. "I'm glad for it. I know the last few days have been hard, but you did well. You're growing up into a good woman, Bella. You'll make someone a good wife."

The idea of spending my life with a man who wasn't my lord cut into my like a knife, but instead of crumpling at the pain I did my best to smile affectionately at Charles. "You promised I wouldn't be married off just yet!"

"True, I did. Well, I'm happy to have you here with me for a while longer," he said, guiding me around a puddle in the yard. "I would miss you sorely if you were to go away again soon. Come inside now, and we'll play some Nine Men's Morris after supper. Your aunt wrote to me that you had a knack for it…we'll see how well you stand up to me!"

I smiled at his teasing, and I found myself laughing as we played. Others watched, or brought out their own games, and even the children played knucklebones and dice down among the rushes on the floor. For the first time since I had lost my lord, I felt like I belonged somewhere.

It was one of the last good nights.

* * *

It began slowly, on a mild day filled with late winter sun. Agnes, Jocelyn and I slipped out of the sewing room early in the afternoon, although conscientious Agnes brought her drop spindle with her to finish drafting out her fibre. We sat against the sun-warmed stone wall in the courtyard, Agnes spinning while Jocelyn and I played with the puppies gambolling about the yard. Several of the hounds had left with the lord's family but Siobhan, one of the ones who remained, had borne the five puppies in the stable and that warm day had brought them outside for the first time. Siobhan lay by my side, her head on her paws as she kept a watchful eye on her puppies, and I scratched her behind her ears as she thumped her tail.

Jocelyn wore a new, embroidered headcovering. She was pretty and she knew it, and I could tell that her laughter and flirtatious lowering of her eyelashes was more for the benefit of the squires playing horseshoes nearby than it was for me. I didn't mind. Jocelyn was a flirt, but she was cheerful and amusing and she had forgiven me easily for my long months of silence, which I appreciated.

The game of horseshoes finished, and Jocelyn's play for the squires paid off when Elric called out an invitation for us to join them. She jumped to her feet, although her smile faltered a little when Merek gave her a quick bow and handed her some of the iron shoes.

"You take my place Lady Jocelyn," he said. "I think I may just rest for a moment."

I knew Jocelyn favoured Merek and was disappointed that he wouldn't be playing, but she skipped over to the other boys willingly enough. Agnes spun the last of her wool and joined them too, but I indicated my lapful of puppies and shook my head.

Merek greeted me courteously and took a seat on the bench, leaning back against the wall and closing his eyes for a moment. His usual ruddy, cheerful face looked pale, and there was the sheen of sweat on his brow despite his only half-hearted participation in the game of horseshoes.

"Do you feel unwell?" I asked him.

Merek seemed almost surprised that I had spoken to him. "I do feel a little under the weather," he admitted. "My head aches and I think perhaps I am starting a little fever." He shrugged. "I am sure it is nothing."

"Would you like me to ask Mistress Hildegard for some willowbark tea?" I offered. "It's good for aches and fever."

"I thank you Lady Bella. I don't want any tea, but if you would be so kind to fetch me some ale I would be grateful."

I tipped the gangly hound puppies off my lap and went to fetch some ale. Merek was an amiable, if not particularly clever, young man and he had always been kind. When I carried the ale back out to him he smiled at me a little weakly and then drank half the jug.

"Thank you," he said.

Benedict and Elric noticed that I had brought out refreshments and finished off the jug of ale between them, laughing and joking. Jocelyn was in her element, and giggled and flirted and made eyes at the squires as they played for the rest of the afternoon. But even her frequent attentions to Merek failed to rouse him to more than a feeble smile, and I thought he was perhaps more ill than he let on.

This was confirmed when suppertime came and he rose from the bench, only to stagger and nearly fall as he was overcome by weakness. Benedict caught him under an elbow until he steadied himself.

"Watch out old man…you're sure you're well?"

Merek nodded. "Yes…I'm sure once I've had supper…"

But once we were seated in the hall and supper was laid before us, Merek barely ate. Charles was busy with a guest and so I ate with my friends instead, and I couldn't help noticing how much of Merek's food remained on his trencher when he rose and left.

He was worse in the morning. Fever and chills bad enough to stay in bed, according to Jocelyn, who spoke briefly to Elric and Benedict as they made their way to the armoury. But winter was a common time for sickness, and on that first day no one was overly concerned by a single instance of fever. Mistress Hildegard insisted he drink her fever tea, and we all expected that a day of rest would see him right again.

I would look back later and feel incredulous at our naivety, but at the time we just didn't _know._ No one knew.

Merek had made no improvement by the following day. Instead there was news that one of the stable boys had also fallen ill, as well as the cook's youngest daughter. Mistress Hildegard brewed kettles of fever tea and called on Agnes and I to help her with nursing the boys, as they had no one else to care for them. The cook's little daughter lay under a blanket on the settle in the kitchen, sleeping restlessly and calling fretfully for her mother in her misery.

The swelling appeared late in the afternoon, the dark purple lump grotesquely distorting the little bird neck of the cook's child. I heard the commotion as this development was discovered, cries of distress and a growing sense of fear as the women realised that the child seemed to have the pestilence that Lorelle had died from.

Charles was grave when he heard the news. He came into the infirmary, where I was sponging down the burning foreheads of Merek and Brishan the stable boy, and touched me lightly on the back.

"You're a good lass to do the nursing," he told me, looking over the two young men with a faint frown. "Do you think they have the pestilence?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. "The child has it, I think. The swelling on her neck seems the same affliction that Lorelle had, but here I am not sure."

I wiped Merek's forehead again, not looking at Charles. I had seen no ugly black and purple bulges coming up from the skin of the men, but I had not undressed them and if the swelling had occurred in the armpit, as it had for Lorelle, I would not know of it.

"We must pray," Charles said at last. "It is all in God's hands, after all."

Charles did pray. I knew because I saw him kneeling in the chapel with head bowed and a candle lit before him when I went to fetch some supper. As the nightmare began to unfold over the following days and realisation dawned among us that this pestilence was a deadly plague against which we were almost helpless, he was not the only one who prayed. We prayed for health and strength for those who fell ill. We prayed that the pestilence might pass by without taking more victims. We prayed for forgiveness of sin and deliverance from this most frightful of punishments.

We prayed for the souls of the dead. Again, and again, and again, we prayed for our dead.

The cook's little daughter died first. A tiny scrap of a thing she had no strength to fight, and her life slipped away as quietly and easily as day slipped in to night. We buried her next to Lorelle, and Agnes took the dead girl's sister and little Nell and found some hardy winter greenery to take the place of flowers. The cook sobbed at the graveside, and behind her in the castle three more fell ill.

Brishan the stableboy died next. He was an orphan, and so Charles asked if I would stand with him as the boy's family while we buried him. The service was short, the familiar words comforting. The third funeral within a sevenday…I wondered with a growing sense of dread how many more there might be.

Merek lingered. When Charles and Jacob lifted him from the bed so that Agnes and I might change the soiled linens, he screamed so loudly he could be heard in the fields. We discovered that he too had developed the hot, shiny dark swellings of the pestilence in his armpits and groin. In moving him the one in his groin had burst, and a vile matter was oozing down his leg. I could not even stay in the room but Agnes, who had a stronger stomach than I, not only cleaned it but dressed it with a fresh poultice.

It did no good. Four days after becoming ill Merek was dead and the number of ill in the castle rose to ten.

The days blurred into one other, passing by in a haze of fear and sorrow and prayers. Frantic prayers, begging God to lift this curse and spare us from the terrible spread of death. Hasty prayers for the repose of a soul said by the side of a freshly dug grave. Hopeless prayers, whispered in the dark of night when I faced the truth that Nell had been right and perhaps nothing could stop the pestilence, not even God.

I was kept busy, helping to nurse the ever-growing number of sick. There was so little we could do, only sponge fevered foreheads and offer sips of fever tea and clean off what filth we could. I learned, from necessity, how to lay out a body and wrap it in winding clothes ready for burial. There were no formal meal times anymore, and I ate and slept whenever I could snatch a free minute.

Others worked grimly alongside me. Mistress Hildegard was always busy, organising what help was needed and offering tea and broth at any hour of the day or night. Agnes nursed the ill and sat with the dying, and her quiet prayers probably did more to comfort than all my clumsy efforts to nurse. The priest never stopped moving, from sickbed to sickbed to lay blessings and hear confessions, until the day he, too, fell sick. Charles sat with the dying too, praying with them when that was what they wanted and hearing their confessions when the priest was too ill to come. On the occasions when I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air I would always see Jacob out in the churchyard, digging the endless parade of fresh graves.

Because the dead kept piling up. The cook's second daughter, the cottar's family, Sir Hugh, Elric the squire, Mistress Aldith from the sewing room…so many. I almost forgot how to grieve, becoming inured to the daily horror and sorrow and loss as the only way to possibly live through it.

But one day it was Jocelyn. I wept that day.

I stood by her grave that evening with my arms wrapped around me, staring blindly at the freshly turned earth. Charles had read the prayers, the priest having been laid under the earth himself earlier that day, and he touched my shoulder gently before making his weary way back to the castle.

Jacob was there too. He crossed himself at Jocelyn's grave and then picked up his shovel and moved along a little, beginning to dig once again.

"What are you doing?" I asked. "No one else is dead…"

He shook his head and didn't answer, but I heard the unsaid words hanging in the air. _Not yet._

I wished I could pray, but there was nothing I could say to God that had not been said a thousand times since the pestilence came. Instead I stepped away from the row of graves, my back to the castle, and looked down at the untouched fields and the trees that were beginning to bud. It was almost spring…would there even be anyone left to plough and seed and tend the crops when the time came?

But then a movement caught my eye, far down in the forest, and I narrowed my eyes as I tried to see more clearly. A rider…no, two. Two of them, riding fast towards the castle … could it possibly be?

I began to run.


	24. Chapter 24 - Visions

My breath was sobbing in my chest, my eyes nearly blinded by tears, but I knew them and so I ran. Stumbling over the uneven ground, tripping over my gown, feeling such a crazy mixture of terror and exultation that I barely knew what I was doing, I ran. And then one of the figures swung down from the horse and caught me up in strong arms, and I sobbed.

It wasn't my lord, but someone almost as good… _"Lady Alice!"_

"Bella!" For a moment I was crushed against her and the delicious scent that was almost my lord but not quite surrounded me, but then she gripped my shoulders and forcibly held me at arms length, inspecting me with a growing look of uncertainty. "But, you're….you're not sick."

"The others," I said urgently. "Are they…my lord Edward…" I couldn't say anymore, but the sound of his name on my lips after so long made my heart pound.

"You're not sick," she repeated, before looking up at Sir Jasper with wide eyes. "She's not sick."

So she knew about the pestilence? Was that why she had come? But then why not Lord Carlisle, with his skill at healing? And…

"Lady Alice, please! _My lord Edward…"_

"Oh, Bella," she murmured, once more drawing me close into her embrace. "I'm so sorry, but it's just us."

 _Oh my lord…you didn't come back._

I knew that would hurt, that I was still alone and that he had not returned, but for the moment I concentrated only on the joy of having at least my friend back with me. Although I couldn't help noticing that Lady Alice, usually so meticulously dressed in the loveliest of gowns, was wearing the hose and tunic of a boy, and her head was uncovered, revealing her shockingly short hair. Her clothes were dusty and creased, and looked as though they had been worn for some time.

Sir Jasper dismounted and caught the rein of Lady Alice's horse, which had begun to wander. The horses were not the well-bred warhorses and palfreys that they had ridden out on but smaller, stringier animals whose coats were spattered with mud and dark with sweat. I thought that they must have been ridden hard, and wondered what had brought the two of them here

"Why are you…did you come because of the pestilence?" I asked.

"In a way, I suppose we did," Lady Alice said thoughtfully. She examined me again, and then shook her head decidedly. "No, you are most definitely not sick."

Sir Jasper nodded. "I can smell it from the castle," he said in a low voice. "The dead and the dying…the castle has been hit hard then?"

I nodded. "So many. There is not a family that has been untouched by it, and more fall ill every day." I felt the familiar pull of grief. "If Lord Carlisle would come, perhaps he could help…"

Lady Alice glanced across me to Sir Jasper. "He can do nothing for this pestilence," she said regretfully.

"But there must be something, surely! If not…then we are all certainly doomed." I stared at her with a growing sense of horror as she didn't deny my words. "Then it is as hopeless as I feared?"

Lady Alice wrung her hands in distress. "Not _hopeless_ …but it is a dark future Bella, and that's why we've come. You must come away with us now."

I stared at her. "I can't possibly do that."

"You must!" Lady Alice implored. "I've seen…you have to come with us, back to London…it's the only way you'll be safe! Edward doesn't know, he wasn't there when I saw…but he would say the same thing!"

Just the mention of his name! The idea of being with him again! But my father, and the people at the castle…I couldn't leave _now_. Not when I was so needed.

"You _have_ to come with us!" Lady Alice insisted, as though I had spoken. "You don't understand Bella…if you stay here then you _die_!"

Sir Jasper put a restraining hand on her shoulder. "Slow, Alice. Explain it to Lady Bella clearly, and then we will decide what is to be done."

Lady Alice took a deep breath. "I kept tabs on you, after we left." She looked a little guilty. "Edward didn't want me to. He was insistent that we leave you to your human life and do nothing to interfere, and although I told him I wouldn't… well, you were my friend too." For a moment she squeezed my hand, her cold, strong fingers tight around mine. "It was so hard not to intervene though! You were so unhappy…and Edward! I can't even say how deeply he has been sunk into melancholy. He hasn't been with us in London very often you understand, he's been travelling, but I've never seen him so low. Before I could think how to act though, the blue sickness came."

"The pestilence is in London? All that distance away?" I was shocked.

"This plague is everywhere," Sir Jasper said flatly. "You have no idea of the spread of it…I doubt that there is a single village in the known world that will not be touched by this."

I shuddered at the finality of his words. I remembered the maps on the walls of the family's chambers and imagined the shadow of the pestilence spreading its fingers of death across the whole world.

"It's difficult to see," Lady Alice admitted. "This much death, so random and senseless…my visions have been very confused and sometimes quite uncertain. But you're different Bella, and when I saw you I knew there was no mistake. If you stay here at Castle Cullen you will die of this pestilence, and there will be no way to save you. Jasper and I cannot do it, and to attempt it at all would only hasten your death. For there to be a chance for you, we must take you away. And that's why we're here."

Wearily I drew a hand across my eyes. I had listened, and I understood what she was saying, but, "How can I leave them now? My father never gave up on me – why should I be so ready to abandon him to his fate? And even if I came with you…Lord Edward doesn't want me, he made that clear." _So what is there for me in London if there is not him?_

"I cannot believe you are being so stubborn!" Lady Alice exclaimed. "You know your father would rather see you safe elsewhere than dead in his presence!"

I couldn't help but flinch at her words, and Sir Jasper touched her with a calming hand. "Alice, give Lady Bella a chance to absorb what you have said and think it over. We must go up to the castle and have these animals seen to anyway." He scratched one of the horses behind its ear. "Poor beasts were not used to the hard riding we've forced on them. They deserve a warm stable and hot mash."

We must have been seen at the castle, because Charles met us in the courtyard when we came through the gates. He concealed his shock at Lady Alice's clothing well as he welcomed them back to the castle, and accepted Lady Alice's glib explanation that they had come to see how the castle fared with this outbreak of pestilence. He told Lady Alice that hot water and supper would be brought to the family's rooms and fresh clothing found, and old Ramsay hobbled forward from the stable to take the horses. He was one of the few men from the stable who had not been struck down by the blue sickness, and despite his age and his rheumatism he was shouldering the work of three men.

I slipped away, into the great hall where the sick had been laid out to make caring for so many easier. Agnes, her eyes red-rimmed with exhaustion, met me in the entrance with a fractious baby wailing in her arms.

"This is little Malin," she told me. "He belongs to Malin and Daralis, but they are both sick now and Daralis cannot feed him. He needs another nursing mother."

I looked at her helplessly. There had been the cottar's wife, and Lark, but I knew they were both dead. "Naida?" I suggested. "She has a little girl not yet out of swaddling…"

Agnes shook her head. "I already thought of her, but she and her husband have fled. Joan the cooper's wife and Joan of the red hair have nursing infants, but they have left with their families too. Many of the those who are still healthy are leaving, hoping to find somewhere free of the pestilence."

"You must take the baby to Mistress Hildegard," I said at last. "She will have cow's milk and some means to feed him with it. I will stay here."

I moved slowly through the hall, checking on the people who were resting there, pausing when I came to Rosamund. She was a younger girl I did not know well, and after being there when the swelling in her armpit broke open and poured thick, virulent fluid out the previous day, I had half expected to find her dead by the morning. But although her face was stark white and she could only lie weakly on her blanket, her fever was gone and her voice sounded clear when she asked me for some honeyed ale.

"You seem better," I ventured, as I held up her head and helped her sip the sweet ale. I could scarcely believe my eyes – was it really possible to have the pestilence and recover? "May I check on your wound?"

Rosamund allowed me to raise her arm and I unwound the stained bandage wrapped around her, finding an ugly red wound that nevertheless was only mildly inflamed and smelled clean. She was so weak she couldn't hold herself up, but she smiled and thanked me as I helped her drink, and I thought that perhaps this girl would do what no one else had yet done and live.

I moved on, doing what little I could. There were several who were close to death and I thought grimly that Jacob had probably been right in digging the graves. There seemed little doubt that we would use them.

Agnes didn't return, but Mistress Hildegard came in with some broth and a girl to help her, and ordered me to go to Charles' room, where both my father and my supper were waiting for me. Willingly enough I did as I was bade, but it was not only my father that met me.

"Lady Alice, Sir Jasper. Father." I dropped a curtsy.

"Sit down Bella, and have some supper," Charles said, pushing a small and misshapen loaf of bread towards me.

I perched on the edge of the chair, taking the bread a little gingerly. With so many ill it was left to those few still healthy to cook for the castle, whether that was their usual task or not. The bread had definitely suffered at the hands of the inexperienced.

"How are those sick?" Charles asked.

"Some look very bad," I admitted. "I think Engilbert and Werinbert may not live out the night. But it's not all bad news. Rosamund looks set to recover! Her swelling burst yesterday and it seems to have released the poison of the pestilence, because her fever is gone and she is resting quietly."

"I will speak to Mistress Hildegard about lancing the pustules," Charles murmured. "It may be that in doing so we can free the body from this sickness." He glanced over at Lady Alice who, although much cleaner than she had been earlier, still wore the boy's clothes as she sat primly in the other chair. "But we have something else to speak of now. Lady Alice and Sir Jasper say they have come for you. The wish to take you away and keep you safe from the pestilence, and I think it is wise that you go with them."

"You _want_ me to go?" I asked in surprise. After his anger at Lord Edward for leaving me in such a state, I had not expected Charles to be so quick to put me in the charge of any of the lord's family.

"They assure me that you will be safe, and that is enough for me," Charles said.

"I can promise you that if you leave with us, Bella, you will not die from this plague," Lady Alice said steadily. "If you stay…there will be no help for you, if you stay."

"But you need me here," I argued, looking at Charles. "There is so much work to be done…"

"It will be done whether you are here or not. When it comes to the work, you are not indispensible Bella." Charles gave me a tired smile. "But you are my only daughter, and in that you are irreplaceable."

"Oh Father," I whispered, tears coming to my eyes. "I don't want to leave you." _Not now. Not with the blue sickness carrying souls away every day!_

"I know. But I insist. Everyone here at the castle is in peril from this sickness, and I would never forgive myself if you remained here and something happened to you. Lady Alice and Sir Jasper have vowed that you will be safe with them, and so you will go. Now."

"Now?" I echoed.

"The sooner we are away, the better," Sir Jasper said. "Alice will gather your things while you eat supper, and Ramsay will ready the horses. We have a long way to go and we can cover many miles before dawn."

Lady Alice left to find my things, and Sir Jasper headed off to the stable to speak to Ramsay, leaving me alone with my father. I nibbled at the hard crust of the bread, my stomach tied up in anxious knots.

"You'll be safer away from here, and they will take good care of you," Charles said at last. "Lady Alice said they'll take you to Lord Carlisle in London."

At the thought of London, of seeing Lord Edward again, fear gripped me more tightly. _He didn't want me…what would happen when I turned up on his doorstep?_ "I don't want to leave you here," I murmured.

Charles smiled softly. "I'll be fine. And perhaps when the pestilence has gone you'll be back." He reached across the table and touched my hand. "I'll miss you, daughter, but your life and safety mean everything to me and I'll rest easier knowing that you're away with Lord Carlisle's family and well protected."

I placed the bread on the table. It was like a stone, and I knew I wouldn't be able to eat it now. "Please be safe, Father."

He promised me he would, and I kissed his cheek and pretended to be reassured, but we both felt the lie. Death was ruthless in his gathering of souls, and as long as he stalked the halls of Castle Cullen no one was safe.


	25. Chapter 25 - A Journey

_**Chapter 25 – A Journey**_

My flight from Castle Cullen was a blur. Already exhausted after days of nursing, I was given no time to rest before we left. Sir Jasper lifted me easily onto a horse and Lady Alice nimbly mounted behind me, her thin arms around me to hold me steady.

"I know you are tired," she murmured into my ear. "But it will be quicker this way. It is simpler for Jasper and I to ride through the night…I won't let you fall."

Sir Jasper mounted his own horse easily, and then with no other farewell than a wave from my father, the three of us left the castle. The last thing I saw before I turned my face forward was Jacob, still digging graves by the light of the moon.

The horses moved fast, their long strides eating up the miles as we travelled through the night. I clung to the saddle horn, drifting off into sleep only to be jolted awake again as the horse changed pace or the ground became uneven. Despite my warm cloak the cold eventually seeped through to my bones, and I found my teeth chattering. I was never so happy as to see the morning sun breaking through the clouds.

Soon after we drew to a halt outside a tavern. No one came out to meet us, and I saw the uneasy look on Sir Jasper's face as he turned to Lady Alice.

"The pestilence has been here," he said quietly. "Can you not smell it?"

"We will be safe for the day," Lady Alice replied after a long pause. "We need to rest the horses in any case, and Bella needs food and sleep."

Sir Jasper raised his voice and shouted, and eventually a woman came out, eyeing us suspiciously.

"We need a room and a meal," Sir Jasper told her. "We've been travelling through the night and our horses need food and rest."

The woman named an outrageous price, but without hesitation Sir Jasper drew some coins from the purse on his belt and tossed them to her. A small boy came forward for the horses, but when the charger tossed his head the boy shrank back even as the woman scolded him.

"He's not used to the horses," she told us, a little defiantly. "His da and his older brother saw to the stables, but…" Her voice trailed away and I saw her eyes flick towards the churchyard on the hill, and I guessed that her husband and son had recently been buried there.

"The pestilence," Lady Alice said sympathetically. "It's a terrible thing. Jasper will help the boy, if you'll fetch Lady Bella some breakfast."

I was almost too tired to eat, but Lady Alice insisted and the pottage that was brought to me was surprisingly good. My meals back at the castle had become very irregular, and my belly felt satisfyingly full when I scraped up the last of the thick gravy.

"Sleep here," Lady Alice ordered, laying out my cloak on the floor by the fire. She added her own cloak and Sir Jasper's, which she folded over me as soon as I had laid down obediently. I was asleep within moments, too tired and confused to ask why I was sleeping on the floor when the room contained a large bed with a lumpy straw mattress.

I slept hard, and did not wake until close to sundown. When I sat up I found the fire burning low at my back, and Lady Alice and Sir Jasper standing at the window.

"You're awake!" Lady Alice chirped. "I will send down for some supper for you, and then we will be away."

Sir Jasper gave me a friendly smile and a bow as he went to the door. "I'll take the message, and see to the horses," he said.

I rose awkwardly to my feet, pushing my tangled hair away from my face. Blushing horribly I was forced to use the chamber pot, and then Lady Alice sat me down and combed out my hair with her slender fingers, braiding and pinning it neatly. It wasn't until the woman had arrived, bringing me bread and ale and meat and taking away the chamber pot that we spoke.

"I'm afraid it will take some time to get to London," Lady Alice said apologetically. "And we must hurry. The pestilence is everywhere, and you will be in danger until we have you home. We keep several cats, you see," she added irrelevantly.

I broke off a piece of bread, crumbling it into smaller pieces in my fingers. "What then?" I asked quietly. "I know you want me keep me safe, but…Lord Edward? He doesn't want me, my lady, that's why he went away." My mind shied away from remembering the agony and grief of that day.

"Oh my dear, sweet, silly little Bella!" Lady Alice exclaimed. "Of _course_ he wants you! It's all just a great misunderstanding- and complete foolishness on his part! – and we will set it all to rights once we are in London and he comes home again."

I was not so sure, but she seemed so blithely confident of her own predictions. "And Sir Jasper bears me no grudge?" I ventured. "After all, it was my own clumsiness that caused things to go wrong…"

Lady Alice waved her hand dismissively. "He was never angry with you, Bella. He was angry with himself for what he considers his weakness, and bitter that he finds it so hard when the rest of us seem more capable of it." She shook her head. "But it's water under the bridge now. Eat some more supper, and we'll go."

The following days passed in much the same way, with hours of riding through the night and days of rest in taverns and inns along the way. Lady Alice remained obdurate that I sleep only on makeshift beds on the floor, no matter how inviting the tavern beds seemed to my tired and aching body. Some days, if the weather remained overcast and dreary and there was an option, we would swap horses and continue our journey. On those days I could only doze on horseback, with either Lady Alice or Sir Jasper's arms keeping me securely anchored.

Everywhere we went there was evidence of the pestilence. My vampire companions could smell it, and we avoided the towns and villages hardest hit, and did not stop at taverns where there were people ill.

"We must stop here Alice," Sir Jasper said one midday, guiding his horse alongside hers. "The horses cannot go on, and Lady Bella is exhausted."

Slumped in his arms I couldn't even bring myself to nod. We had been riding for a night and a day already, and I was so tired from the hours on horseback that my vision blurred and my body ached as if I had been beaten.

Lady Alice clicked her tongue impatiently, but when she looked at my face she sighed in surrender. "You're right. We are just getting so close to home!"

The inn was large, and there were two men who came out immediately to take the horses, and a plump innkeeper who eagerly took the coins Sir Jasper offered and led us up to her best room. Too exhausted to take any of it in, I simply closed my eyes and sank to the floor in front of the fire, falling asleep even as Sir Jasper draped his cloak over me.

"Oh, the _fool_! Of all the complete and utter _idiocy!"_

The shout disturbed me and, disoriented, I blinked awake and sat up. Outside night had fallen and the room was lit only by the fire at my back, but I could see clearly enough to see Sir Jasper lounging back on the windowsill and Lady Alice pacing the floor and wringing her hands.

"I cannot _believe_ he is doing this!" she raged. "After all we've been through to get her and keep her safe! I know she didn't mean it, but I could _kill_ Rosalie!"

"Alice, what is it?" Sir Jasper sounded as confused as I felt. "What is it you're talking of?"

"I've just seen…" Lady Alice saw I was awake and broke off, crouching beside me and peering intently at me. "Well, you're still not sick with the pestilence," she said with a sigh, rising to her feet and holding out a hand to take me with her. "At least that's _something_ , I suppose."

Her hand clutching mine was trembling. "What is it?" I asked, frightened. Up close, Lady Alice looked distraught.

"I've seen Edward…oh, he is behaving like an absolute lunatic!" For a moment she stood motionless, staring ahead of her, before she fell back into a chair with a thump. She looked at Sir Jasper, and her face was the picture of despair as she said quietly, "He's going to the Volturi."

I saw the horror on Sir Jasper's face, but although I knew I had heard the word I could not recall when, or what it meant. "Please my lady," I blurted out. "Please…what has happened to my lord?"

Lady Alice drew in a deep breath. "I've had a vision. Edward came home – to the London house – and Rosalie told him that Jasper and I had gone to Castle Cullen, because you were dying of the pestilence. He thinks you are dead."

I gaped at her. "But…"

"But you're not, obviously." Lady Alice waved away the thought. "In fairness to Rosalie, she does believe what she told him. My vision of you dying _was_ very definite and perhaps I didn't make it clear enough that there may have been a way to save you." She shook her head. "Of course, it's too late for recriminations now! But Edward believes her."

"What is he going to do?" I whispered, terrified. The tension in her voice informed me clearly that this was no simple misunderstanding that could be made right easily.

"He doesn't want to live if you do not," Lady Alice said quietly. "He's going to the Volturi, to ask them to end it for him. He wants the final death."

I made an incoherent noise of terror, and in a second Lady Alice had me in her arms, anxiously patting my back and trying to reassure me even as her own elfin face was drawn with fear.

"Hush Bella, hush. We'll do something, I swear we will think of a plan!"

I trembled in her embrace. "I don't understand! _He_ is the one who left _me_! What is he doing?"

Sir Jasper stepped forward. "The Volturi could be considered the overlords of the vampire world. We have few rules, but the Volturi create and uphold what laws there are."

His steady voice calmed me a little, and I thought perhaps he was using his gift on me. I didn't mind. The situation was desperate, and I wanted that immobilising terror gone so that I might think about what was to be done.

"They punish those who transgress too severely," Sir Jasper went on. "And so they have experience with enforcing the final death." His lip twitched wryly. "It is not so easy for our kind to die. It is possible of course, we are only conditionally immortal after all, but even when you seek it the final death is not so simple to manage. Vampires have many abilities, but suicide is not one of them and so Edward has gone to the Volturi, to ask for their help in ending his life."

I whimpered, and Lady Alice jumped to her feet and began pacing again. "It puts us all in danger!" she said tightly. "Does he not remember what Aro can do? If Edward goes to him then all our secrets are his!"

"Aro is the leader. There are three of them, but everyone knows that Aro is the power behind it all," Sir Jasper explained to me. "He is uniquely gifted, and has only to touch your skin to know all your thoughts. _All_ your thoughts, all that you have ever thought and felt are his to examine, whether you remember them or not."

He gently took Lady Alice's resistant body into his arms, and after a moment she sighed and relaxed into him. "Come now Alice, we must set emotions aside and decide what can be done. There must be _something._ "

"Of course." Lady Alice fell into contemplation, her eyes glassy and unfocussed. It was almost eerie to see her in thrall to her visions, and I had to remind myself that such a gift was not Satan at work, not in Lady Alice.

Finally she stirred, seeming to come back to herself, and an expression of resolve settled over her face.

"It may be well," she said quietly. "I have a plan, and although I can make no promises I believe it is possible that we can save Edward."

Sir Jasper leaned forward, watching her intently. "We'll be in time then? If we go to Volterra?"

Lady Alice hesitated. "It is possible."

"What is it, Alice?" Sir Jasper's eyes narrowed.

"They will turn down Edward's request," she said distantly. "Aro will hold his hand, and once he sees what Edward is capable of he will not agree to see him destroyed."

"But that's good, isn't it?" I broke in anxiously. "If they won't help him, then we'll be able to reach him and once he knows I'm not dead…" My voice trailed away.

Lady Alice smiled softly. "It _is_ good Bella, because it gives us more time. When they turn him down Edward will be angry, but he won't act immediately. He'll go away and think about it…but he is determined, and if they won't help him by request then he will force their hand."

"Force them?"

"Jasper told you that there were few vampire laws. But one of the main ones, one of the few that really matter, is that we _must_ keep our existence a secret. We must never allow humans to see our true nature."

I gazed at her helplessly. "But Lord Edward told me about you…"

She nodded. "Yes, and normally that would be enough for them to take action against him. But Aro wants Edward and his mind reading for the Volturi, and he's not going to act unless Edward gives him no other choice."

"So Edward is planning something," Sir Jasper said slowly.

"Midday, in the city square," Lady Alice nodded. "It is their feast day, and all the citizens will have come from miles around, and Edward is going to go out into the crowd and…let them see him."

I felt a brief rush of relief. "So no one will die? That doesn't sound so bad…"

"It will be enough," Lady Alice said flatly. "The Volturi will not know that Edward would never kill, and they will not take the risk that he might expose them all. They will take him down before he ever reaches the square."

"Then we must go to him," I said roughly. "Now, so that I might see him and stop him."

"Yes," Lady Alice agreed. "You and I must go to Volterra."

Sir Jasper's brows lowered fiercely. "You're not going without me."

"We must. It's the only way," Lady Alice said resolutely, adding a little desperately, "It doesn't _work_ if you're there Jasper! If you come it all ends in disaster."

"I don't like it," Sir Jasper growled.

For a moment Lady Alice's resolve cracked, and fear flashed across her face. "I don't like it either!" she said, with a poor attempt at a laugh. "Please Jasper, please believe that I would change this plan if I could! Remember that, please!" She clutched his hands and gazed up at him imploringly, and Sir Jasper dropped his shoulders and lifted her hands to kiss her knuckles.

"I'll do whatever it is you need me to," he said with resignation. "I don't like you being away from me, but if that is the way it has to be…"

"I'm sorry, but it is." Lady Alice jumped to her feet and tossed me a cloak, hastily bundling our few possessions together. "Bella and I must go to Volterra at once, there's not a moment to lose. You must go to London Jasper. Carlisle and Esme will be back by now, so you can explain to them what is happening. Go to Castle Cullen - with the pestilence so virulent they need Carlisle there anyway - and I will come and find you there afterwards." She swooped over to Sir Jasper and dropped a kiss on his lips before whirling back to me and wrapping my cloak around my shoulders. "We must go Bella!"

Dizzy at the speed at which things were happening, I followed her downstairs. Before I knew it she and Sir Jasper had saddled the horses and I was lifted into the saddle, Lady Alice's slight body behind me and her arms around me as she gathered up the reins.

"Godspeed my Alice," Sir Jasper said fervently, looking up at us and gripping Lady Alice's hand until the last moment.

"I love you," she whispered, "I love you Jasper!" And then with a kick to the horse's flanks and a clatter of hooves on stone we were off, the horse stretching out to gallop as Lady Alice and I set our sights on Volterra.


	26. Chapter 26 - Time Runs Out

_**Chapter 26 – Time Runs Out**_

"Oh, you wretched horse! Come _on_!"

On the ground Lady Alice pulled on the reins, urging the horse forward. He lowered his head and nipped at her bad-temperedly, but laboriously began to trot for a few feet, before he dropped back to a walk.

"Give him a kick Bella," she ordered, and I obediently drummed my heels against his ribs, but it made no difference. The horse continued to completely ignore me, plodding along with his tail swishing irritably.

"Ye Gods, is the whole _world_ against me?" Lady Alice said dramatically to the sky above us. With a crash she slammed the visor of her helmet down over her face and continued to drag the recalcitrant horse forward. "You horrible beast, if we are not in time to save Edward I'm going to _eat_ you, and I shan't be sorry about it either!" Her voice was muffled inside the steel.

I couldn't smile. Ahead of us, built into the hill, I could see the city of Volterra. So close…and yet, as the sun climbed inexorably into the sky I wondered in despair if it was close enough.

The horse was not helping matters. Since leaving Sir Jasper, Lady Alice and I had ridden almost continuously, exchanging exhausted horses for fresh ones when possible, buying (and even stealing, once) horses when bartering was not possible. The grey I rode up the hill on our final approach to Volterra had more than proven himself a bad deal.

I wished Lady Alice could simply pick me up in her arms and run as my lord Edward had done, but with the town celebrating its feast day there were crowds of people streaming towards the walls from all directions, and it would have been impossible to do so discreetly. We were already attracting a few odd glances, most likely because of the diminutive Lady Alice dressed in full plate armour to shield her from the sun as she dragged the knock-kneed grey along.

We joined the queue of people waiting to enter the open gates. Lady Alice muttered something I couldn't hear as she stood on her tiptoes to see ahead, and I fidgeted anxiously in the saddle.

The sun was almost directly above.

The slow movement was excruciating, but finally we reached the gate and paid the tax, and then we were inside. Lady Alice's urgency finally communicated itself to the horse, and he raised his head and moved infinitesimally faster. But the crowds were against us, and by the time we had fought our way towards the bell tower of the central square I was nearly crying with impatience and fear.

"I can't take us any closer," Lady Alice hissed, tilting back her visor to look up at me as she was crushed against the horse's flanks. "Edward will be on the other side of the square, in the shadow of the bell tower. You must reach him Bella…push yourself through the crowd, fight…whatever it takes! He might hear my mind in this crowd, or he may not, but either way it is only the sight of you that's going to matter to him. Go, now!"

She dragged me from the horse and pushed me bodily forward, and a moment later she was swallowed up by the crowd and disappeared as I desperately struggled through the crush.

 _My lord Edward, please don't do anything reckless, please!_

I hoped he would hear me, or Lady Alice, or perhaps catch a drift of my scent, but amongst the raucous noise of the crowd and the overwhelming smell of hundreds of bodies gathered together in the city it seemed like a vain hope. So I fought my way forward, towards the bell tower looming over us all, with fear giving me strength as I pushed and shoved through the crowd.

Above me, the bell began to toll the noon hour.

 _No! My lord, NO!_

A final frantic push and I was through the mob of people, stumbling hard onto my knees on the cobblestones, squinting desperately into the dark shadows by the tower, praying to see…

A shadow moved, and there was a hint of glitter, of sparkling light…my heart's most precious desire.

"My lord!"

The tolling of the bells became a song of celebration as I catapulted myself into his arms, clinging to him as tears blinded me and my mouth could not stop smiling and saying his name. For a moment, as his arms came around me and I felt the icy strength of his bare chest against me, nothing else mattered but the pure, shining joy of being with him once again. It was my lord, he was here and he was alive and everything was perfect.

"Bella, Bella," he murmured, sounding dazed. "It's over already? I thought…but you're here." He gazed down at me, his face rapturous. "Oh, this is more than I dared hope, that I would find you! Perhaps…perhaps Carlisle was right."

"Oh, you're not dead!" I gabbled, seizing his face in mine and kissing him frantically, with all thoughts of propriety gone. "I'M not dead! It was a mistake, my lord, it was all a mistake but you're here…and we were in time! Please my lord, I love you, I love you…"

Lord Edward suddenly held me tighter, kissing me fervently, for once careless of his own strength and the risks of it. "Oh, my Bella, my love, you're alive! I was so stupid Bella, so reckless with your heart and I'm so sorry…"

I kissed him back, half laughing and half crying as he tenderly brushed my hair out of my face and swooped me up in his arms, swinging me around and looking at me with such love and joy that it made my heart burn.

Nothing was of any importance but him but him. Not the fact that he had left me, not the months that I had been alone with my shattered heart…everything was healed and whole and beautiful, because now we were together and we would never be separated again.

The bells stopped tolling, and in their place there was the slow, measured pace of footsteps. Unseen hands draped a cloak over Lord Edward's shoulders, and a deep voice said, "I'm sorry to interrupt such a touching scene, but your presence is required Edward."

I clumsily slid from Lord Edward's arms, although he kept a tight grip on my hand. His face smoothed itself into blankness as he turned to the intruder and greeted him. "Demetri."

I swallowed nervously and took a half step behind Lord Edward. The man was tall and broad and powerful looking, but it wasn't until he stepped a little further out of the shadows that I saw the crimson of his eyes, and I understood that he was a vampire.

"Bella, you found Edward!"

Lady Alice's voice, bright and cheerful, came from behind me. A moment later she reached us, touching Lord Edward lightly on the shoulder and smiling at him as though she hadn't a care in the world. "Edward, you've got Bella, lovely. Now, we really must be going…that fool horse is hardly worth stealing, but I've left him on the other side of the square and there _are_ those who are desperate enough to chance it with him, so…"

"Who might you be?" Demetri enquired.

Lady Alice pulled off her helmet and ran a hand through her hair, spiking it up like a hedgehog. "I'm Alice," she said with an engaging smile. "As lovely as it has been to meet you, we really ought to be going. You'll see that Edward is behaving himself now and so…"

"Lord Aro wants to see him." Demetri's tone was mild, but there was something in the delivery that let me know that this was not a request.

Clearly Lady Alice and Lord Edward heard the same thing, because after looking at each other for a long, silent moment, Alice tucked the helmet under her elbow and said brightly, "Oh well, lead the way!"

"My lord," I whispered, terrified at the idea of going anywhere with this red-eyed vampire. "What is happening?"

"Don't be afraid Bella," he murmured. "Demetri is from the Volturi. Apparently Aro has not quite finished with me yet. Stay calm, and I'm sure we will be fine."

But his smile was forced, and Lady Alice would not meet my eyes, and I knew that this, whatever it was, was dangerous.

Demetri led us through several twisting, narrow alleyways before he pushed open a solid oak door, studded with metal, and we found ourselves in a dim, bare room. He didn't stop there, but strode purposefully through several more doors and along winding passageways and down a cramped, spiral staircase.

We were met at the bottom by another large, brawny vampire who looked at me and licked his lip, and a smaller female, barely more than a child, who looked at me with a red-eyed gaze that made me shudder.

"Really Edward," she said, her voice soft. "No wonder Lord Aro wishes to see you. I would have thought better of you."

Lord Edward's face was expressionless, and after a moment the terrible girl smiled and turned, her dark cloak floating silently behind her. "Come now."

The next room I found myself in took my breath away. High above me was a soaring, vaulted ceiling painted with exotic scenes and gilded with gold leaf, and the floor below me was created with a swirling, exquisite mosaic. Richly embroidered banners decorated the walls, and in the centre of the room were three ornate, golden thrones in which sat three vampires. All the red eyes surrounding me made my heart pound, and I pressed closer to Lord Edward, who squeezed my hand reassuringly.

"My dear Edward!" The vampire on the central throne rose and came towards us, his smile showing his white teeth and his red eyes bright. "I think you've been very, very foolish, hmm?"

"I have," Edward agreed, his voice low. "I have been overcome with despair, as you know Aro, and it seemed like the only course of action. But…"

"Sweet Bella is alive!" Lord Aro clapped his hands together and beamed at me. "My dear girl, the state he was in over you! But it seems to have all been nothing but a misunderstanding, and here you are, alive and well! It was you, Lady Alice, who brought this all about?" He turned to Lady Alice with his eyebrows raised.

"I'm afraid it was rather my fault," she admitted. "I do make mistakes sometimes, and this is one that just got a little out of hand. But as you can see, Bella and I came to explain it all and nothing really happened and no one saw Edward, so perhaps we can all just forget the whole thing and go on our way?"

"Of course I'd like nothing more than to oblige a lady," Lord Aro said. He smiled winningly at Lady Alice and held out his hands. "After all, you are the progeny of my dear friend Carlisle, whom I hold in the highest esteem, and it is an honour to make your acquaintance."

Despite Lord Aro's apparent geniality, the air was so thick with tension I could barely breathe. I felt Lord Edward's hand twitch in mine as Lady Alice smiled graciously and allowed Lord Aro to take her hand.

It took but a moment, but it was all the time in the world to Lord Aro. "Remarkable," he murmured. If anything his eyes brightened, and he withdrew his hand reluctantly. "You possess an intriguing talent, my lady. I must confess myself quite enamoured."

Lady Alice smiled again, but it was a small, almost regretful smile, and I felt my stomach twist with dread.

"The rules have been broken!" Another vampire, younger and fair and with a pouting scowl, came down from his throne and stalked closer, glaring at us. "That cannot go unpunished!"

Lord Aro sighed. "Caius, there is no need to be intemperate."

"He has revealed himself to a human and today he threatened to expose us all. He makes a mockery of all that we stand for!"

"Edward has explained his actions in the square today and, after all, he did not carry out his plan and so there is no harm done," Lord Aro said placatingly.

"But that human!" Lord Caius stabbed a finger in my direction. "She knows everything!"

"Yes. There is that." Lord Aro examined me with his piercing red gaze. "Lady Bella is indeed privy to much that she should not know about."

"The consequences for flouting the rules are clear," Lord Caius pressed, grinning at Lord Edward maliciously.

"Yes, yes." Lord Aro tapped a finger against his chin. "But we are not barbarians, my friend Caius! Is it not a sign of our civilisation and greatness that we show mercy to those who are properly repentant? I am quite sure dear Edward sees the error of his ways and will not violate our secrecy in this manner again."

"Of course," Lord Edward said smoothly. "If you forgive me for my lapse then I can assure you that such a situation will not arise again."

"It is no crime for a vampire to fall in love with a human," Lord Aro said expansively. "Did I not court my own dear Sulpicia when she was a human woman? And that contemptible Amun from the Egyptian coven…his mate was a human slave when he found her!"

"That is all well and good, but that girl is still human and Edward has shown no signs of changing that!" Caius spat hatefully.

Beside me, Lord Edward stiffened and a low growl emanated from him. I clutched his hand tighter, but before anything else could happen Lady Alice sighed and said, "You don't need to worry Caius. Bella will become one of us – I've seen it. And Aro has seen it through me too, so you have no reason to doubt that it's true."

I blinked at her, stunned. I _would_ be one of them? After all this time, all Lord Edward's talk and resistance, I would be changed to become what he was? Had Lady Alice known this all along?

Lord Aro smiled tranquilly. "So you see Caius, there is no need for upset. Young Bella will be given the dark gift and become one of us, and Edward need not trouble himself any longer. I do so love a happy ending!"

"If that's all then?" Lord Edward gripped my arm tensely. "If Alice has seen it, then it will take place. We can go and…"

"Well, it's not quite all." Lord Aro broke in. "You'll forgive me if I don't entirely _trust_ you, Edward? You really have not shown yourself as a strict adherent to the rules lately!" For a long moment the silence hung heavy in the air.

"No," Lord Edward whispered, horrified. "No Aro, please…"

"Oh yes." Lord Aro's smile widened. "Alice's visions have assured me that Bella will be one of us…and I intend to see that it is done. Either you give her the dark gift or I will, but none of you shall leave Volterra until the transformation is complete and Bella is a vampire."

* * *

 _And now we *really* diverge from canon! I always thought it slightly odd that the Volturi's focus on the law and punishing those who broke the rules was just brushed aside when Edward had told Bella all about them, and the two of them were let leave Volterra with nothing but a vague promise that she would be turned 'someday'. So...not this time, my medieval Bella!_

 _I also wanted to let anyone who might have read my Where the Wild Roses Grow way back when i was writing it, that I've recently added a couple of extra chapters to it, sections from Esme's POV and young Emmett again, that I found in amongst my notes. I know the story is a couple of years old, but lots of people seemed to like it and might want to read the extra bits. And if you haven't ever read it...well, you could give it a try? It's AH and it's Rosalie and Emmett, but it's also my favourite thing that I've ever written, if that says anything._

 _And of course - thank you to everyone for reading and enjoying medieval Bella and Edward! They are living through perilous times, and yet my dear boy Edward still manages to make life more difficult for himself even so._


	27. Chapter 27 - A Question of Change

_**Chapter 27 – A Question of Change**_

An excited murmur ran through the vampires who were grouped around the outside walls of the throne room, watching. I cringed even closer to Lord Edward, who wrapped an arm protectively around my shoulder.

"Aro, this really isn't necessary," he said, struggling to sound calm. "If Alice has seen it, then it must be true and I can promise you that it will be done. Just let us leave, and I'll take her to Carlisle…"

"Either you do it yourself or I will order it done by another," Lord Aro said flatly. "You lost your chance to choose the time and place of her transformation when you broke the rules. The Volturi do not usually give second chances, Edward…you should be down on your knees thanking me for this, not raising quibbles!" He shook his head in irritation. "Enough!"

"Just a moment."

At the sound of the deep voice behind me, Lord Aro raised his head sharply. "Philippe?"

The vampire who stepped forward was big and burly, with tangled fair hair and an easy smile. If his eyes had not been crimson I thought I might have liked him- certainly I was not so fearful of him as of Lord Aro and Lord Caius, or that terrible girl.

"You see something?" Lord Aro asked him eagerly.

Philippe eyed me quizzically. "Something…" he murmured, before he shook his head and looked back at Lord Aro. "I _don't_ __see anything. Nothing. And yet my gut is telling me that it _is_ there. Potential like I haven't seen since the twins…"

There was a hiss from the terrible girl and I gave her a frightened glance, noticing at once that she had been joined by a boy who must have been her twin brother, so alike were they.

Lord Edward was shaking his head. "You must be mistaken. Bella is…"

"We do not _know_ what Bella is, or what she will become!" Lord Aro broke in. "And if Philippe senses promise…my, what a fortunate coincidence it could be that you came to Volterra Bella!" His narrowed eyes on me were calculating.

"Philippe senses talent in humans." Lord Edward answered my unasked questions, a thread of bleakness underlying his words. "He can sometimes tell if a human will have an extra ability, or talent, once they are turned. He thinks he sees something in you."

"Of course, this should not be a surprise," Lord Aro said thoughtfully. "For does the girl not already manifest something extraordinary, Edward? You, who have everyone's mind open to you, cannot read hers?"

"That's just an aberration," Lord Edward said with effort. "Alice's gift works with Bella, as does Jasper's ability."

"Fascinating. Perhaps we should test it? I do so love an experiment!" Lord Aro clapped his hands. "Jane, my sweetling, I'm sure you can assist us?"

"No!" Lord Edward dropped my hand and lunged towards the girl who had so frightened me, but so quickly that I couldn't even follow it with my human eyes Philippe had seized him around the neck and was holding him still.

"Easy there!" he said genially, his eyes on me. "Go on Jane."

Like a rabbit in sight of a fox I froze, not even breathing as her glittering red eyes met mine. But there was nothing, until the slow clapping of Lord Aro's hands broke the silence.

"Remarkable!" Lord Aro cried gaily. "You felt nothing Bella, correct?"

Confused, I shook my head. What was I supposed to have felt?

Jane looked furious, but Lord Aro merely waved her away and then smiled gleefully at me. "You are such a curiosity, my dear! I am almost tempted to investigate a little more."

"No," Lord Edward said flatly. The fight had gone out of him and as Philippe released him he turned to face Aro, seated high on his throne. "There is no need for that, Aro. Let me…let me change her, and then what will be will be."

Lord Aro looked vaguely disappointed, but shrugged his shoulders elegantly and said, "As you wish, my young friend."

Philippe took my hand and lifted it so that my sleeve fell back, exposing the thin, pale skin of my wrist. He breathed deeply and then grinned at Lord Edward, his white teeth gleaming inches from the beating pulse in my wrist. "Do you want me to do it? You certainly don't want to mess it up, and I've done it before. Quite enjoy it, really…" The tip of his tongue touched my skin, and I shuddered and pulled back.

Lord Edward hissed, a fierce and feral sound that made my skin crawl, and Philippe laughed as he released me.

"Just making the offer!" he said cheerfully.

"Edward will do it." Lady Alice stepped forward and looked steadily at Lord Aro. "I've seen it, nothing will go wrong. Now, I don't suppose you want Bella going through that in here…?"

"Ugh, no!" Lord Aro shuddered delicately. "All that wretched screaming! Certainly not. Felix, take our guests and find them suitable accommodations. My dear ones, you are our guests and we offer you every hospitality. Anything you require, you have only to ask and we will see it provided for you. My dear Bella…" he paused. "Good luck!"

The noise level rose as Lord Edward took my elbow and followed the swishing grey cloak of one of the Volturi guards.

"Screaming?" I whispered fearfully. "My lord, what did he mean?"

"It's painful," Lord Edward said brusquely, and my knees turned to water. I would have stumbled and fallen if Lady Alice had not seized my other arm, and borne upright by the two of them we made our silent way through the hallways and down several sets of stairs, until the guard stopped and opened a door with a flourish.

"Your chambers," he said with exaggerated courtesy.

Lord Edward said nothing as we swept into the room, and it was only once the door was closed behind us that he turned and wrapped me in his arms, crushing me to him.

"Dear God, Bella my love…"

So quickly I was dizzy he deposited me on to a large, ornately carved canopy bed, and advanced on Lady Alice, his face twisted in fury.

"You KNEW! You SAW it would happen like this…you KNEW, and you still brought her here!" he roared. "I cannot believe you would be so RECKLESS, so utterly CARELESS with her life! You SAW THIS, and yet you did NOTHING that might change it, just delivered her straight into his hands!"

Even on the bed I quailed at the intensity of his rage, but Lady Alice was not intimidated. She stood quietly, watching him, waiting until he spent his anger in furious shouts before she said quietly, "It was the only way."

"It couldn't have been!" Lord Edward hissed viciously. "There would have been an alternative…there always is! I notice you managed to keep Jasper well out of things!"

"I'm sorry," Lady Alice said bleakly, and this time even Lord Edward heard the note of regret in her voice. "I am so, so sorry Edward. And yes, I did see this, but I thought it might be able to be changed, perhaps…"

"Oh Alice…" Lord Edward slid down the far wall and sat on the floor, his head in his hands. "What are we going to do?"

"We're going to do what Aro wants," Lady Alice said softly, unbuckling and struggling out of the armour she still wore. "We have no choice anymore."

"I can't…" Lord Edward looked over at me. "I thought you were dead, and I'd lost you…and then to see you and realise I had been mistaken! Never have I been so euphoric. My dearest Bella, I do love you so."

I crossed the room and knelt by his side. "Perhaps it is better this way, my lord," I suggested timidly. "I want nothing more than to be with you always, and once this is done I need never part from you again."

Lord Edward ran his hands through his hair with a sigh. "I know what you are saying Bella, but I don't know if it is even possible for me to do this. It is no easy task, to bite and not feed…I am so afraid that in trying to save you I'm going to kill you."

"You won't," Lady Alice said, now free of her armour and sounding much more cheerful. "Really Edward, Bella has a point. At least this way it will be done, and we can all just get on with our lives and have an end to this endless mooning about!"

"But Alice…"

Lord Edward raised a woebegone face to meet hers, but Lady Alice simply shook her head and said decidedly, "It's no good Edward. The vision I had of Bella dead of the pestilence was premature, true, but it was not a false vision. Had she stayed at Castle Cullen I am absolutely certain that she would have succumbed to the illness. She _may_ have been safe in our London house, but really I was rather relying on Carlisle being there to change her momentarily should it become necessary. _You_ are the one who decided to go haring off to the Volturi without finding the truth of the matter!"

Lord Edward groaned, and Lady Alice patted his shoulder sympathetically. "I know you feel wretched about it, but there's no point in recriminations now Edward. You wouldn't have believed Bella still lived if you hadn't seen her with your own eyes, so of course I had to bring her along with me. I admit that I _did_ see Aro's command as a potential future, but there was enough uncertainty surrounding it that I couldn't be sure and really, what choice did I have?" Lady Alice's voice quivered. "You're my _brother_ Edward – how could I risk your life?"

"You risked Bella's life," Lord Edward said hollowly.

"No," Lady Alice disagreed. "I didn't. I saw Aro's command as a potential future and I saw us being allowed to leave also as a potential future…nowhere did I see Bella dead. Not here in Volterra."

"But it might still happen," Lord Edward said. "I've never done this, Alice, never even thought about doing it! Carlisle has told me the basics of it and I was there when it was Emmett, but there are so many questions I would want answered before I make the attempt."

Lady Alice sighed. "I'm sure you can do it, Edward. As I've said, I see the outcome here and Bella is…well, she's rather glorious. But if you don't wish to do it, there are a number of others here who have had experience and would be delighted to take on the job. Philippe offered, and even Aro himself would do it if you asked."

The idea of any of those terrifying, red-eyed vampires sinking their teeth into my flesh made me feel faint. "My lord," I whispered pleadingly, "I want it to be you."

Lord Edward took me on his lap, wrapping me in his arms. As terrified as I was I could feel myself relaxing as I inhaled his wonderful scent, and I pressed my lips against the hollow of his throat. "Don't let it be one of them," I begged.

"Does it make a difference in the end?" Lord Edward asked.

"Perhaps not in the _end_ ," I muttered. "But in the immediate present it makes a great deal of difference! They're all so terrifying!"

Lord Edward laughed gently and traced his fingers along the slope of my cheek and jaw. "They're rather different to Carlisle. It's a wonder he stayed here with them as long as he did."

"Just as long as we don't stay," I said with a shiver. "I don't like it here at all."

"Mmmm," Lord Edward said evasively. "We will have to see what happens…after."

"You're really going to do it? I'm really going to be…changed, right now?" The enormity of it began to sink in, and I felt almost dizzy.

"We really don't have any choice," Lady Alice said, kneeling at my side. "It's not safe for you as a human here, and Aro isn't going to let us leave until the transformation has taken place."

"What will it be like?" I chewed on my lower lip. Although this was what I had wanted ever since I first realised that it was the only way to be with the lord that I loved, we had never reached a point where we had talked about the practicalities.

"I don't even remember that," Lady Alice said with a sigh.

"It hurts," Lord Edward said reluctantly. "Like fire, burning you alive from the inside out, a thousand times worse than anything you've ever felt."

I gulped.

"But it's only three days," Lady Alice said hastily. "Three days, and then you'll wake as one of us, only the burning thirst left to remind you of that suffering." She hesitated. "Mind you, the thirst _is_ very hard to bear, at first. I know Edward has told you of that. But we will all help you, and you'll learn how best to manage things for yourself."

I nodded, desperately trying to hold back my panic and sound calm as I said, "I can…I can do that."

"Of course you can!" Lady Alice said with bracing cheerfulness. She reached out and plucked the circlet from my hair, smoothing down the long strands and looking at me speculatively. " _And_ you're going to be quite lovely, Bella! You know we don't change, so what you are now is what you'll always be – you'll always be young and pretty, and you have such beautiful long hair!" She touched her own short hair with a rueful smile. "I have no idea what had happened to me that I had so little hair, but it's always been a disappointment to me!"

I managed a trembling laugh, but fear had gripped hold of me and I turned and hid my face in Lord Edward's chest. But all I could hear was the ringing silence of his lack of heartbeat, and for once I was not reassured. "Let's just do it," I whispered into the marble smoothness of his skin, knowing that they would hear me. "Waiting is only making it worse."

Lord Edward's face was set. "Yes. There is nothing to be gained by delaying." Even then, he moved slowly. Rising gracefully to his feet, he took me to the bed and lay me out on it, and in his shadowed golden eyes I saw his heart as he looked at me.

Suddenly I was no longer afraid, and I reached up to touch his face. It struck me with a sense of wonder that this would be the last time I would look upon my lord with human eyes, and I drank him in, greedy for every detail. "I love you, my lord."

He cupped my face in his hands and pressed a kiss on my lips. "I love you too Bella. Hold on to that…remember, the pain is but a blink of the eye in the fullness of time we will have together."

I smiled at him for the last time as I was, and then closed my eyes as he brought my wrist to his mouth, so I didn't have to see as his teeth broke my skin and started the transformation.


	28. Chapter 28 - A New World

_I am so, so sorry that I have taken so long to update this! I genuinely love and appreciate all my readers, and I have always tried to update regularly and frequently for everyone who takes the time to read and communicate with me. Obviously I have pretty much failed to do so with this story, and I am really sorry about it! We're pretty near the end now, so I will hopefully do the rest in a timely manner and not leave you hanging for over a month like that again._

* * *

 _ **Chapter 28 – A New World**_

Pain…the word, the very concept of it, seemed so inadequate for what I felt! Nothing in my previous, human life had prepared me for the all-encompassing agony of my transformation. It really was as though everything I was, everything I had ever been, was being burned away to nothing in some hellishly fiery inferno. I could only pray that there would be something left, some essence of me that might be reborn into a new form.

I didn't scream or writhe or cry. Those were human expressions of pain, and this was something else entirely, something too overwhelming for there to be anything other than endurance. So endure it I did.

It felt like an endless night as I lay there and suffered. An eternity of torment lived moment by moment in the dark, with nothing to hold on to but the thin thread of belief in my lord Edward and his promises that it would end.

I couldn't have told you how long it took. Later, they said it had been three days that I had lain there as though dead, as my body burned and turned to stone, my heart racing towards its inevitable end. Lady Alice told me that Lord Edward had not left my side, tormented by my silence and stillness and the fear that he had, somehow, made a mistake and I would not rise. She told me he spoke to me constantly, stories of the past and promises for the future, and always words of love. I thought perhaps I remembered some of it, a voice in the darkness that kept the tiny flicker of hope alive.

I remember when it changed. The heat that had seemed infinite began slowly – far too slowly! – to lessen. For a time that made it all seem almost worse, as it dangled the possibility of ease in front of me, tantalisingly close and yet still just out of reach. But time ticked by and the burning seemed to retreat to my centre, with a last burst of flame that tore through my heart and lodged in my throat.

It was done.

For another moment I continued to lie still. Beyond the burning in my throat I could feel the rest of my body, cool and whole and strong as I lay there. I listened with ears sharpened a thousand times, hearing the rustle of fabric as my lord shifted at my side, hearing the footsteps of Lady Alice moving lightly on the stone floor, hearing the sound of my very breath moving through my body. And then, with a steadying of my resolve, I opened my eyes.

"Bella? Thanks be to God, it worked!"

I didn't respond. Couldn't respond, really, as I stared at the vision of perfection that gazed down on me. _My lord Edward_. To think that I had thought him handsome when I saw him with my human eyes! It was only then, with the wonder of vampire sight, that I finally saw him clearly, and I was enraptured with the exquisiteness of the vision before me.

"Bella?" He bent towards me, his eyes anxious, his hand tentatively stroking my cheek. "Is it well? Are you…?"

"I'm just looking at you," I breathed, and without taking my eyes off him I sat up. "It's like I never saw, not until now…"

I reached out to touch him, and jumped slightly as my fingers made contact with his skin and I realised that it didn't feel cold. Even the texture of his skin was different, so soft and enticingly beautiful…

"We're the same temperature now," he told me, laying a hand over mine and holding it to his cheek. "Everything…we're the same now."

Instinctively I moved towards him, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his chest, breathing in his scent, tasting the air that surrounded him, finding my home in this new world before I dared to look around and explore.

"Go gently, Bella!" Lord Edward said, his voice light. "You're a great deal stronger than you were…stronger than I am right now!"

I eased my grip on him and looked up into his bright, laughing face. "I am?"

"Oh yes." Lord Edward nodded earnestly. "Vampires are always at their strongest as newborns, right after their change. Carlisle theorises that it's the human blood strengthening the vampire tissue…but it doesn't matter why. Just be gentle with me!"

I laughed too, surprised at the beautiful sound that rang clearly in the stone room. Even my laugh, my voice… "Everything is different!"

There was a flash of bright colour and Lady Alice swooped down beside me, hugging me tight and smiling.

"See Edward, I told you it would work, and that Bella would be amazing!" she said exultantly. "All that torment you put yourself through needlessly!"

Lord Edward ducked his head bashfully. "I know Alice, and I'm sorry I doubted you. But I was so afraid for Bella, I couldn't have borne it if…"

"Don't think of it now," I told him. "It's over…all we have to think about is the future."

I rose to my feet, astonished at the ease and grace of my movements in my new vampire body. All my life I had literally stumbled through the world, tripping and faltering, never feeling fully comfortable or confident in myself. But as the joy bubbled up inside me and I held out my arms and spun in a circle just for the sheer pleasure of movement, I knew that the world would be a very different place for me from then on.

"I can't believe it!" I said breathlessly, coming to a stop and beaming at Lord Edward. "This is amazing!"

He laughed, charmed by my evident delight. "You're beautiful Bella! I can't believe, after all this time, that you are here beside me now, like this…it's wonderful."

"And can you read my mind?" I asked. "Now that we're the same…can you read my mind and finally believe how much I love you and how much I wanted this?"

His smile didn't falter as he shook his head. "Not a single thought, my love. You remain an eternal mystery to me. I shall have to…"

His words trailed off as we all heard the heavy tread approaching our room. A moment later the door was flung open and a vampire swept in. I recognised him as Philippe, but the difference between how my dim, human eyes had seen him and the way he appeared in my vampire sight shocked me into silence.

"So it's done!" He grinned at me, and clapped Lord Edward on the back. "Well done, my son."

"I'm not your son," my lord growled. His face was hard, and he glared at Philippe with hostility. "Aro sent you then."

"I had to satisfy my own curiosity," Philippe said. "I've never seen what I saw when it came to your lady here, and I've been waiting for her to rise!" He crossed to me and smiled at me engagingly. "So how do you feel now, my lady Bella?"

"It's all so different," I breathed. "There is a thousandfold more detail in everything I see…and hear and taste and feel…it feels like a whole new world."

Philippe grinned at me. "You'll soon find that it is a very different world, my lady, when you're one of the immortal. Your human memories will fade, a great deal faster than you might think, and soon you will barely remember who you used to be."

I paused for a moment. Something about forgetting who I had been, forgetting my human life and the people and things that had been important to me, made me uneasy. Did I really want to forget my father? Forget his kindness and forget how much it meant to be loved unconditionally as he had loved me? And my lord Edward…we might have all eternity to be together, but the idea of forgetting the miracle of meeting him and the wonder of those early days together gave me a pang of what could only be described as grief.

Philippe took my arm. "You cannot be spending your first vampire day down here, buried underground! We might be monsters, but there's no need to hide away my lady. Come upstairs, show yourself off, get to know us and all that the Volturi can offer you, feed…"

The animal snarl of desire that ripped through the room a second later tore up from my throat without warning, shocking me with its ugliness. I sounded frightening, feral…appalled and mortified I dropped my face.

"You like that idea then?" Philippe asked cheerfully. "You're powerfully thirsty now, I don't doubt. It will plague you a bit in the early days, but you'll never go short of blood here in Volterra…"

"That won't be necessary." Lord Edward's voice was tight. "You know how Carlisle believes, Philippe, and Alice and I have always followed his example. Bella too, will learn restraint. If you'll excuse us, we will take her out of the town and into the forest, and begin her new life there."

"Solely animal blood from newborn?" Philippe laughed, the disbelief clear. "You really believe it can be done?"

"It's been done before," Lady Alice pointed out. "Carlisle did it, and so did Rosalie, and neither of them have suffered from any ill-effects."

"Well I've never met your Rosalie but I can't deny that Carlisle has not succumbed to weakness or madness or something of that ilk," Philippe readily admitted. "But do you really think you'll walk her out through the town without incident?"

"We can leave through the passageway that exits at the church," Lord Edward said, taking my other arm and drawing me away from Philippe. "That will allow us to avoid the town altogether."

"How do you know…oh, you've read all our minds, of course. The passage does exist and might suit your purposes, but you can't be planning on leaving without bidding Aro farewell. He'll not be happy if he doesn't have a chance to see how Lady Bella has turned out!"

Philippe laughed again, and Lord Edward's eyes darkened. Before he said anything else, Lady Alice touched him gently on the arm. The two of them gazed at each other, having some silent conversation before Lord Edward nodded reluctantly.

"We'll speak to Aro. But we cannot stay long, Bella is thirsty and that must be dealt with."

I swallowed against the burn in my throat. Every minute that passed seemed to be making my thirst flame hotter and more painful. Visions of cool, refreshing ales and warm spiced wine came to mind, but somehow the idea of them seemed distasteful. They would not slake this thirst. It was something else I needed, something better and more powerful…

 _Blood._

"Quickly," Lady Alice murmured. "We must leave as soon as possible."

We left the chamber without another backward glance, following Philippe as he swept through the imposing and ornate hallways of Volterra. I remembered the journey in reverse, my human self being supported by Lord Edward and Lady Alice as my legs trembled in fear of what awaited me. What a difference in only three days! Now my vampire body was quick and sure and graceful, even at the speed at which we strode through the stone passageways.

The throne room was empty, our footsteps echoing slightly in the massive space. It really was the most extraordinary architecture, and I wondered if there would be time to see any more of the castle than I had already seen. I couldn't concentrate on the grandeur though, not with the thirst growing every more uncomfortable.

"My lord," I whispered. "I'm so very thirsty."

Lord Edward looked tense. "I'm sorry. We'll do something about that as soon as possible, but we must see Aro first."

We found him in the library, a vast room containing filled with scrolls and parchments and books. It made the library at Castle Cullen seem insignificant in comparison, and for a second even my thirst paled in the face of my wonder at it.

"Bella! I am delighted to see you!" Lord Aro rose from where he was seated at a large table and approached me.

"It sets my heart at ease to see that your transformation has been such a success," he said benevolently. "My congratulations to you Edward, your lady is quite splendid!"

Despite the tension of the situation, Lord Edward's face softened as he looked at me. "Bella is beautiful."

"And talented?" Caius, who had been standing by a window, stepped forward and scrutinised me through narrowed red eyes. "Philippe? Has your particular ability proved itself in this case, or have you once again been jumping at shadows?"

Philippe seemed completely unbothered by Caius' sneering tone. "I couldn't be sure, my friend. She's not bringing us all to our knees with pain like the little wildcat did as soon as she rose, but a more subtle gift takes time to discover."

"Time…" Aro murmured, a smile creeping across his face as he glanced from me to Lord Edward and Lady Alice.

"If you'll forgive us for our abrupt departure, we will say our farewell and be on our way," Lord Edward said courteously. "Bella is thirsty, and she must feed soon."

"That's no reason to leave!" Aro said a laugh, clapping his hands together. "I shall send for one of the slaves immediately my dear Bella, forgive me for my dreadful lapse in not having something ready for you immediately."

I gripped Lord Edward's hand even more tightly and shook my head, suddenly terrified. I could not possibly kill and feed from a human! But this traitorous vampire body wanted what it wanted, and at the very thought of blood my mouth was suddenly flooded with venom.

"You don't want it Bella," Lady Alice took my hand and stared at me imploringly. "You don't…you _can_ do it like Carlisle and Rosalie did."

"Bella would rather go hunting with Alice and I. We've been here in Volterra long enough," Lord Edward said, sounding almost desperate. "We really must be leaving, Carlisle will be wondering…"

But Aro's expectant smile only widened, and from the hall behind us I heard the fast, pounding beat of a terrified human's heart.


	29. Chapter 29 - A Tangled Web

_**Chapter 29 – A Tangled Web**_

There was perhaps a moment, just the briefest flicker of time, when I did not move. Just a moment when I could, almost, touch upon the self-control my new life would require of me.

But the Volturi had never intended for me to succeed. Bad enough to offer the forbidden fruit of the garden so enticingly near, worse still when they casually, cruelly, sliced the skin to release the scent of the manna within.

There was no restraint possible then. I tore free of my lord's grasp and like an animal I flew to the great hall and fell upon my prey, a hapless and unhappy human, and I feasted. And all the guilt and sorrow that would follow, all the prayers I would offer up…none of it could ever change the fact that it was _good._ Nothing could change the fact that that blood feast, gulped down in greedy, ecstatic mouthfuls on the cold stone floor of the Volturi palace, was utterly _sublime._

It was an ugly and brutal slaughter. They had cut him high on his breast and I had fastened my mouth there first, tearing into the flesh in a desperate desire for more blood. Only later had instinct guided me to the thinner skin of his neck, and the pulsing beat of life there that poured the blood into my sucking mouth, finally sating my terrible thirst.

When I was done, when I came out of what had felt like frenzy, the sight before me sickened me. The human lay askew on the floor, the white of bone showing through the torn flesh of his chest, the head nearly severed from the body by the damage I had wrought on the neck, pale eyes staring upward. I felt as though I should be trembling at such horror, but my hand was steady as I reached out and gently closed his eyes.

 _Almighty God, I commend this spirit into your arms._

"Bella."

It was Lord Edward, down on his knees beside me, catching my chin in his hand to force me to look at him. "Bella…my love."

"Forgive me," I whispered, stricken. "I didn't want to my lord, but oh! Of course I DID want to, but I knew I shouldn't…I've failed you already." And I closed my eyes in despair, because I did not want to see myself in his disappointed gaze.

But instead of judgement there were soft kisses, and his voice was tender when he spoke.

"You haven't failed anything Bella. What just happened…that is in no way a fair test. A bleeding human in front of a newborn? Even Carlisle himself would have struggled!"

"I struggled now!" Lady Alice breathed, so low that I could hardly hear her. She glanced around, her usually golden eyes dark, and I thought that perhaps she didn't want these red-eyed vampires to know how close she was to the edge. "If his heart hadn't stopped when it did…" She shook her head.

A sudden flash of comprehension crossed Lord Edward's face. "This is why you didn't bring Jasper here," he said, a statement rather than a question.

Lady Alice gave a barely perceptible nod. "I didn't see that they would do…this, exactly, but I saw…other possibilities. If Jasper was here, his control…you do understand Edward? Please say you do. I couldn't bring Jasper to Volterra."

Lord Edward squeezed her hand. "No, you couldn't…I'm sorry I spoke so harshly Alice, I see now that you did all that you could to keep as many of us safe as possible."

"I am sure you feel far more comfortable now that your thirst is sated," broke in Lord Aro from behind me.

Lord Edward rose to his feet, taking me with him. "You didn't have to do that, Aro."

Lord Aro blinked innocently. "Do what? Provide Bella with the most basic of provisions? Edward, you surprise me…as a guest here in my home Bella deserves all the comforts it is in my power to offer her, and you would prefer I denied her?"

Lord Edward gritted his teeth. "We had it under control. You know we live differently."

"Of course, and you are quite free to live as you choose," Lord Aro nodded magnanimously. "But I have none of your usual fare to offer Lady Bella, and so I simply had to make do with what we had available. Now that her newborn thirst has been satisfied for the time being, we can get to know Bella as the lovely vampire she has become."

Lord Edward shook his head wearily. "Aro, please…this isn't a game. Just let us say farewell and leave."

Lord Aro affected a look of astonished innocence. "A game? Of course this is no game! I merely wish to establish precisely what kind of vampire our Bella is before she is unleashed on the world. Philippe felt there might be _something_ out of the ordinary, and I really do feel it is our duty to investigate such possibilities."

What kind of vampire I was? I looked from Lord Edward to Lady Alice, but both of them simply looked back at me with mute apology.

"Come, dear one, let me hold your hands." Lord Aro's smile was sweet and his tone cordial, but the dark glints in his red eyes left no room for refusal.

It occurred to me then, as I stepped forward and offered a reluctant hand, that I didn't really want to be special. Being a vampire would be special enough, fast and strong and powerful and beautiful…I did not want a gift such as Lord Edward or Lady Alice had, a gift that would make Lord Aro look at me with such avarice as he looked at them.

I did not know what he might be reading from my mind as Lord Aro's smile vanished for a moment and then reappeared, broadening as he released my hand. "Extraordinary! Philippe, your instincts have been proven correct once again. It appears that it is not only Edward's mind that Lady Bella is closed to, for I received nothing from her! In all my very long life I have never had anyone, human or vampire, whose memories were hidden to me…her mind seems impenetrable!"

"A shield talent," Philippe said, nodding thoughtfully. "A very strong one. It could be a very useful defensive talent, especially if…"

"Will someone not dispose of that?" Caius demanded, flicking a long finger in the direction of the body on the floor. "Surely we are more civilised than to leave the remains of meals in the great room!"

Dispose of it how? Was there some kind of burial ground for the victims of these vampires?

When no one else moved, Philippe gave a sigh and dislodged a thick iron grating that covered a hole in the floor. I winced as he used a careless foot to shove the body towards the hole and then tumble it out of sight down the hole. There was a long gap between the body disappearing and the faint thud of it landing somewhere far below.

Philippe dropped the grating back in to place with a discordant clang and dusted off his hands. "Do you want me to fetch the others?" he asked. "I'm sure our little wildcat is just dying to take another strike at Lady Bella! We ought to try her against Alec too. And Chelsea would love..."

"No." Lord Edward pulled me behind him and glared at Aro. "Not Chelsea. I'll agree to testing out the limits of Bella's gift…although you've give me little enough choice there…but no Chelsea. I will not have her loyalties manipulated…"

"Hush!" Lord Aro's voice was laced with fury and it made me shudder and cower a little closer against my lord's back. "You will not speak of Chelsea!"

There was a long beat of silence, and when Lord Aro spoke again his voice was calm, although his red eyes still glittered with suppressed rage. "Philippe, I believe we will need the others to explore the possibilities of our new friend. If you will be so kind as to fetch them? And Caius, I'm sure Marcus will rouse himself to attend, if you go and inform him of developments."

As Philippe and Caius swept from the room, Lord Aro glared at Lord Edward with a face as cold and hard as marble. "You will not speak of Chelsea," he repeated flatly.

Lord Edward didn't quail in the face of Lord Aro's menace. "So Chelsea is your little secret then?" he said quietly. "She uses her gift to bind their loyalty to you and holds together your little kingdom here…and none of them know that it's all merely an illusion?"

"There is no illusion in what my Chelsea does," Lord Aro said. "Make no mistake Edward, the Volturi guard are loyal to the bone and it is to me they have given their allegiance."

"Are you threatening me?" Lord Edward's voice was dangerously low.

"Giving information only, my dear Edward," Lord Aro murmured. "Merely information…"

"Because the guard might be loyal to you," Lord Edward went on, without a flicker of fear. "But I think there are several here who would not like to discover that their loyalties are being manipulated. I make no claim to know what they would do if they discovered your schemes, but it is possible you might not find it to your liking. "

"Edward might not know, but I do." Lady Alice stepped forward, and her face was almost kind as she looked up at Lord Aro. "You really _don't_ want to test it. I don't deny that Chelsea's gift is remarkable, but if it came to a rebellion, to some really _strong_ resistance to it…well, I'm not sure that the bonds are quite so unbreakable as it might seem."

Red eyes and gold stared at each other, caught up in a silent battle of wills. And then it was Lord Aro's face that softened, Lord Aro's mouth that curved upwards in an almost admiring smile.

"Apparently there is more to my dear friend Carlisle's progeny than I first thought! It seems this animal diet does not leave all of you as passive and peace loving as he."

"Carlisle will not remain passive if his family is threatened," Lord Edward said. "He is peaceable only to a point Aro, and should anything befall us he would be quick to seek redress, I think."

"You are quite safe here in Volterra," Lord Aro assured us. "Indeed, you are welcome to stay as long as you like! Carlisle stayed for some time you know, and you may find the same things of interest here as he did. Our library and resources are vast, and a scholar such as yourself could easily spend a great deal of time here."

He smiled at us, apparently guilelessly, but I could tell by Lord Edward's rueful chuckle that he was not fooled.

"Oh yes Aro, Carlisle has told me a many stories of what took place in his time here!" Lord Edward took my hand and raised it to his lips with a tender smile. "I think Bella and I would rather leave now, with Alice, and begin her vampire life somewhere a little less…complicated."

"You'll deny me the pleasure of discovering the extent to which young Bella is blessed with a gift?"

Lady Alice smiled back at him, her eyes glinting. "I think we must really say our farewells, Aro. I'm sure you'll pass along our regrets to your friends, and we'll send your best wishes to Carlisle, but it really wouldn't be wise for us to linger any longer."

I froze, terrified that Lord Aro would would not allow us to leave. And although his face was briefly suffused with rage, he assumed his usual mask of tranquillity and inclined his head towards us in assent.

"Of course. I understand your anxiety to return to your…family. Give my regards to Carlisle, and please do remember that you are always welcome here in Volterra."

"Thank you! It's been delightful!" Lady Alice grabbed my hand and somehow managed to bundle Lord Edward and I ahead of her as she gabbled some farewells and then physically propelled us behind a tapestry and into a dim, narrow stone corridor. I was still attempting to understand what was happening when she seized Lord Edward's hand and said urgently, " _Run."_

Lady Alice kept a tight grip on my wrist, her relentless tugging on my arm guiding me through a terrifying blackness. I did not know how she could move so quickly, running blindly through the underground tunnel, and at first my fear was so great I could think of nothing else. It was only as I calmed that the thought came to me that she was running at vampire speed… _and I was keeping up._

 _I'm one of them now._

The cold, stale air rushed past me like a strong wind, and my feet barely touched the packed earth of the floor as the three of us flew along the twisting passageway as though chased by all of Hell's demons. And as the thought of Lord Aro and his cohort drifted across my mind, could I really be sure that we weren't?

The passage ended in a kind of cellar, the wood beamed ceiling so low that only Lady Alice could move without stooping. Even so she barely paused as she dragged Lord Edward and I in her wake, pushing up a trapdoor and springing lightly up through the space it revealed. "Come on! Hurry!"

It was no effort at all to jump up after her, and despite our headlong flight from the throne room of Volterra I felt no muscle tiredness or weakness, and no shortness of breath. Neither did Lady Alice or Lord Edward look at all fatigued as they huddled together. They did not speak, but after a moment I realised that they were communicating nonetheless, Lord Edward reading Lady's Alice's thoughts from her head and she playing with her visions to see his responses.

"What is it?" I demanded, taking my place beside my lord. I was one of them now, I did not need to be sheltered and shielded in the way he had done for me as a human. I knew we had been in danger in the Volturi palace, although I was not yet sure of what that danger had entailed. "Are we safe?"

"We needed to get away," Lady Alice said, evading the question. "I had a vision that Caius was bringing Chelsea to meet with us, which might have been disastrous…he is furious that we've left. Aro is trying to pacify him, but Caius is tempted to act in isolation…no, that's not happening. He's not going to follow us." Her brow furrowed.

"I thought you said that they would rebel? That Chelsea's gift of binding loyalty was not unbreakable?"

"Oh, it's not unbreakable and some of them would resist if they knew," Lady Alice muttered. "But if she'd reached us she may have bound our loyalty to Aro and we wouldn't have cared enough to tell them that it's all a carefully constructed façade."

I looked at her in horror. "She could really do that? Make us feel loyalty to _them_?"

Lady Alice shrugged, her eyes still looking beyond me and flickering in a way that made me uneasy. "It's difficult to predict. Perhaps not. But it seemed prudent to avoid the issue altogether, and we had to leave because..."

"Jasper," Lord Edward said urgently. "How long?"

"We need to run. _Now._ " Lady Alice vanished into the sacristy and returned in a blink with a heavy cloak that she threw over her shoulders, wrapping it around her and pulling the hood low over her face to obscure herself. "He's decided not to wait for dark. I _must_ get to him before the Volturi do, or it will be too late for all of us!"

"I'm faster," Lord Edward said. "If you tell me where to reach him…"

"Stay with Bella," Lady Alice said, already backing away. "Go to the forest, it isn't safe to stay here in the church…you must stay away from the town. I'll find you. If you catch even a _hint_ of the Volturi, or if Jasper and I don't come to you by dawn, then go to Castle Cullen and tell Carlisle what has happened. I don't know what you should do then, I can't _see_ and there isn't any _time…_ " She bit her lip, hovering in the doorway for a moment as though undecided, before she shook her head. "I must reach Jasper. Edward, Bella….take care and I love you!"


	30. Chapter 30 - Words of Love and Forever

_**Chapter 30 – Words of Love and Forever**_

Her last words seemed to hang in the air, but Lady Alice was gone, the swinging door behind her revealing late afternoon sunshine.

"I don't understand," I whispered. "My lord, what is happening to Sir Jasper? And the Volturi…"

Lord Edward took me in his arms, and for a moment all my worry melted away in the face of the pure pleasure I found in touching him. He must have felt the same as he cupped my face in his hands and smiled down at me with blissful wonder.

"We're together," he said tenderly. "I have dreamed of this moment for so long I can scarcely believe that it has come to pass, and yet here we are. The start of our forever…" He shook his head and stepped away from me, peering out of the doorway. "Although we must follow Alice's instructions first. If she believes there is still danger then we are not safe. I haven't come this far only to lose you now."

The sun falling through the open door glittered where it struck his skin, and when I moved to stand beside him the light reflected off my skin too, dancing reflections patterning the cold stone of the church.

The beauty of the outside world, now revealed in its full glory by my heightened vampire senses, was almost overwhelming. The complexity and loveliness of the natural world was all around me. The cerulean blue of the sky arched above us, the wispy white clouds, the thousand shades of green in the forest that lay before us and the music of the wind as it whispered through the leaves nearly took my breath away. The sun warmed my sparkling skin and a light breeze tickled my nose with the scents it carried, that of fecund soil and clear water and living animals, and beyond it all a faint hint of the delicious, intoxicating, forbidden aroma of human blood. The magic of it made Lord Edward and Lady Alice's anxiety seem far away. The world was so utterly exquisite…how could the darkness of the Volturi exist amidst such splendour?

But then I remembered the blue sickness, and the way the shadow of death had cloaked Castle Cullen in another form of darkness, and I knew that although the world may have changed for me there were still dangers.

"My lord?" I said softly. "Can you please explain?"

Lord Edward peered out of the church, towards the forest. "When we're in the forest. Alice said the church isn't safe, and it's certainly far too close to the Volturi for my liking. Of course, if they decide to track us it won't matter where we are…but Alice said they wouldn't." He shook his head. "I hope she is right about that."

The little church was in a clearing, but the trees grew up quite close and Lord Edward said we would be within their shadow so quickly that we needn't bother about covering ourselves. I opened my mouth to protest, but when Lord Edward saw this he laughed.

"You're not my sweet, clumsy human any longer Bella! You'll be so fleet and graceful that you'll amaze yourself," he promised, grasping my hand in his. "Let me show you."

The headlong flight through the dark, underground tunnels of Volterra had been terrifying, but running through the sunshine and then through the dappled light and darker shadows of the forest was nothing short of glorious. Seeing and smelling everything around me, scenery flashing past me and my hand held tightly in Lord Edward's, I couldn't help but laugh in sheer joy. Lord Edward laughed too, and drew me to a stop so that he could sweep me up in his arms and kiss me.

"I didn't know it would feel like this!"

"I've always felt that the running is definitely one of the perks," Lord Edward admitted. "I love the speed…we all like riding fast too, but no horse comes close to what we're capable of alone."

We were deep in the forest, and as I raised my head and breathed in I could detect no trace of the delicious aroma of humans. There were other scents though, and Lord Edward helped me identify them.

"The predominant one is deer," he told me. "There are some foxes too…are you thirsty?

I bit my lip momentarily, and then decided on honesty. "Not for that," I confessed, shamefaced. "I know that you...that _I_ will have to learn to feed on animals, but…it doesn't smell as good as…" My voice trailed away.

I was afraid that I would have disappointed him with my confession, but his voice was matter of fact when he spoke. "No, animals don't smell as good as humans. Unfortunately they also don't taste as good, nor are they as satisfying." He touched my cheek with a gentle hand. "You will learn though Bella, and you will manage. It can be difficult, but I'll help you all I can, and the others will as well. We've all been where you are now."

"Are we safe here?" I asked. The range and depth of sounds I could hear around me was amazing, but they were all natural sounds and I knew that there were no humans and vampires anywhere near us.

"Safe enough," Lord Edward said with a faint frown. Holding out his hand to me, he drew us both down onto the forest floor, soft and scented with the layer of rotting leaves. He sat with his back against the trunk of a tree, and pulled me down onto his lap. "We can wait here for Alice to return."

"Where has she gone?" I asked. "Is Sir Jasper here in Volterra? Lady Alice told him to go to Lord Carlisle and then to Castle Cullen…he shouldn't be anywhere near here!"

Lord Edward chuckled a little ruefully. "You've noticed that we usually do what Alice wants? True, she is rather convincing…but she doesn't always get her way. Jasper wouldn't see her in any danger, and he'll defy her if he believes she needs him. We've been in Volterra longer than he had expected."

"Because of my change," I realised.

Lord Edward nodded. "Yes. Jasper _did_ go to Carlisle as Alice had told him, but he was uneasy when Alice didn't arrive shortly afterward. Without her visions to guide them they couldn't be sure _what_ had happened to delay her return. With no word from me, or even you for that matter, Jasper decided to follow her Volterra to discover her whereabouts and ensure her wellbeing." He rubbed his head wearily. "I cannot fault him for his concern, but as it turns out it is not exactly helpful! According to Alice's visions as we were leaving the Volturi, Jasper is in Volterra and, since he does not know how to find the Volturi, he is going to have to do something to attract their attention."

"Something like _you_ were planning?" I said archly.

Lord Edward smiled wryly. "Something like that…I now understand why Alice was so exasperated with my theatrics! But that is why she left in such haste. She must reach Jasper before he does something to arouse the notice of the Volturi."

"Would they do something to him, even if he explained that he had simply come for us?" I asked. "They did release us without quarrel, in the end."

"I cannot know what they would do, but I believe that Jasper would be at risk within their walls," Lord Edward said. "His adherence to our animal diet has always been a great struggle for him, and the constant availability and temptation of human blood in the Volturi lair would be very difficult for him. Aro knows this now, of course, and he would not hesitate to use that knowledge if it helped him get what he wanted."

"But what _does_ he want?" I questioned. "That's what I don't understand. You said he uses Chelsea to bind loyalties…why? Surely most vampires would serve the Volturi willingly for their cause and the rewards?"

"I do not know what Aro's ultimate goal is," Lord Edward admitted. "I hear only the thoughts of a moment, and Aro was very careful to shield his thoughts while I was near. I do not know for what purpose he is building his Volturi…but what I know without doubt is how fiercely he desires Alice to be a part of it. He wants her more than he has wanted any other vampire since Philippe brought him Chelsea." He shook his head, clearly frustrated. "I wish I knew what he wanted to DO with the power he craves! He already leads the most powerful vampire coven in the known world, and yet that is not enough for him and he eternally seeks more. More vampires who acknowledge and submit to his leadership, more vampires with gifts and talents that will strengthen his position and make it unassailable."

"And Lady Alice offers him the knowledge of the future," I said, seeing very clearly how advantageous such a thing would be to someone like Lord Aro. "Whatever he might use that knowledge for."

"Yes. Aro had heard tales of Alice and her gift, but until I went before him and gave him my hand they were only stories, the truth of them unknown." Lord Edward's face twisted in anguish. "I do not know how I could have been so self-absorbed as to not realise what I was doing when I came to the Volturi! All my family's secrets, _everything_ …given straight into Aro's hands!"

"You couldn't have known what he would do with them," I said gently. "No one would have thought…"

"I didn't think at all!" he interrupted harshly. "But I did it, and Aro saw the possibilities immediately. With Alice and I at his side, offering him knowledge of the present and the future, his own gift laying the past at his feet, he would be virtually omniscient. Absolute and incontrovertible power."

"And then Lady Alice and I walked right into him."

Lord Edward smiled faintly. "Yes. Aro was very quick to shield the thoughts he had about Alice and myself, but I think he thought all his dreams had come true when both of us were standing before him and at his mercy. And you." Lord Edward looked at me speculatively. "He was _very_ interested in you."

I shifted uncomfortably. "But I'm just me…nothing special like you."

"I don't think so. In fact, I _know_ so. It wasn't clear before, because although you could block me, Alice was able to see your future and Jasper was able to influence your emotions. It may have been that it was only my gift that you were immune to, but your time in Volterra disproves that. While still human you were unaffected by Jane's ability to cause pain, and although Philippe sensed a hidden talent, he admitted that he didn't _see_ it the way he usually would. Add in my inability to read you, and it is clear that you were manifesting a strong shield even as a human. It would only be intensified by your transformation. And you heard Aro – your memories were closed to him, something he has never experienced." Lord Edward smiled tenderly. "I think that you are _very_ special Bella, and such a strong shield talent offers many intriguing possibilities to someone like Aro."

If I had still been human, I would have been blushing to the tips of my ears. The idea of me being something special, of having a talent that might seem enviable to others, would have seemed preposterous only hours ago. But there was certainly truth to what Lord Edward was saying, and I had to admit that he was likely right. _A shield._

Lord Edward sighed. "So it is clear to me, although I don't know _why,_ that Aro is collecting vampires with talents. With Philippe to find them and Chelsea to bind their loyalty, it is not so difficult as it might seem. But I am quite sure that Aro is quite deliberately surrounding himself with a cohort of vampires who have formidable talents and an almost fanatical devotion to him, and he is ruthless when it comes to getting what he covets. So you can see why it is best that Jasper not fall into his hands."

"He let us leave without quarrel though," I said tentatively.

"We were lucky," Lord Edward laughed mirthlessly. "Whatever Aro's plans are and however much he desires Alice as part of it, it behoves him to be patient right now and wait for a more opportune time. What I said about the bonds Chelsea forges being more vulnerable than he believed made him uneasy. I think not even Caius understand the full extent of Chelsea's gift, nor the way Aro has used it to bind the allegiance of the Guard members to himself…not to the Volturi as a whole, but to Aro. Marcus has a gift of seeing relationships, and he would be aware of the nature of what Chelsea and Aro are doing, but he is too deeply mired in his own misery to care. He is little more than a puppet ruler now…it is Aro who is the mastermind behind all that goes on within the Volturi."

"So it might not be over after all, even if Lady Alice reaches Sir Jasper in time. We might get away now, but as long as Lord Aro is interested in you and Lady Alice, we might never be truly free." My heart felt heavy with this new fear that was shadowing my golden vampire world.

"Perhaps. But it is not something that you ought to concern yourself with overmuch, Bella." Lord Edward traced his hand across the planes of my cheek, brushing some loose tendrils of hair back into place. "Time has a different sort of meaning for the immortal, and it may be a hundred years before Aro thinks of us again. Who knows what might happen then?" His golden eyes gazed into mine, their power to captivate me unchanged from my human days. "We are forewarned, and we have Alice to watch for any decision to act that Aro might make. I think it will be a long time, if ever, before we need trouble ourselves with the Volturi again."

His smile was slow and sweet, and I could not stop myself from kissing him. _My lord, I love you so well._ For a long time there was nothing but my beloved lord's arms around me and his mouth on mine, golden eyes burning and whispered words of love and forever.


	31. Chapter 31 - Hunting

_**Chapter 31 – Hunting**_

Twilight fell gently, the forest around us quietening in the half-light. As the darkness deepened I began to hear the noise of a forest night coming to life, nocturnal birds and animals coming out to hunt under the cover of a starlit sky. And then I heard a sound that caused my lord to let go of a tension I hadn't even realised he had been feeling, and his face broke into a smile.

"Alice!" He exclaimed as he and I both rose to our feet.

"You waited, I knew you would!" Lady Alice danced into the tiny clearing, her elfin face beaming. "I hope you haven't worried _too_ badly. I managed to reach Jasper just in the nick of time…I'll tell you the story someday, it was _quite_ harrowing…and then we wanted to come to find you right away, but the city is absolutely chaotic with this pestilence…and we had to avoid the Volturi too, I didn't think that they would do anything, but best not to put ourselves in temptation's way…oh Bella, how has your first day been?"

Behind Lady Alice, Sir Jasper bowed to me, and then he and Lord Edward clasped hands.

"I'm sorry," Lord Edward said immediately. "I realise what danger I put Alice in…put everyone in. I should have never gone to Volterra."

Sir Jasper smiled wryly. "You didn't make it easy on anyone! But," and here he glanced across at me, "I can understand why you did. I may have done the same if I believed Alice was lost to me…and it has ended well." He gave me the first genuine smile I had ever received from him, and then took my hands in his and said warmly, "Bella, it's a pleasure to see you as one of us. Welcome to the family."

A little flustered I ducked my head, peeking up and giving him a shy smile. There had always been something fearsome about Lady Alice's fair-haired warrior lover, but as I looked at him now I saw a steadiness and gentleness in his eyes that was comforting, and for the first time I felt respect without fear for him.

Lady Alice hugged me exuberantly. "Isn't Bella just delicious? Really Edward, you ought to be grateful that it happened as it did. Imagine the heart-wrenching angst you would have endured before making the choice to transform Bella, if Aro hadn't taken the decision out of your hands! It was inevitable, but you would have made it an _agonising_ decision…and speaking of delicious, have you two been hunting yet?"

Her rapid changes of subject left me trailing in her wake. "No, we were waiting for you…"

"Well, I think we ought to begin moving, and hunt something along the way," Lady Alice declared. "Castle Cullen is a long way away, and you know that it's better if you don't let a newborn get thirsty."

Lord Edward frowned. "But we can't possibly go to Castle Cullen. How could we? Bella is so changed…and to live so closely with so many humans will be torture for her as a newborn!"

Lady Alice said nothing, but Lord Edward's face fell. "You're sure?"

Her face bleak, Lady Alice nodded. "We are needed there. And it won't be so difficult for Bella…not really."

I was seized with fear during this half understood, incomplete conversation. What had happened at Castle Cullen since I left? Was it the pestilence? Was it my father? "What has happened? Please, you must tell me!"

"Nothing my love, nothing to worry about now," Lord Edward said hastily, taking me in his arms. "I was just concerned about how you would manage with humans so close by and accessible. It's so difficult to resist the lure of their blood at first, and I know you don't want to go down that path."

I felt the burn of shame as I remembered the sublime delight of sating my thirst with hot, fresh human blood, and ending a life in the doing. The idea of losing myself to such savagery again was abhorrent.

"It will be fine Bella," Lady Alice said, her voice suddenly gentle. "Except perhaps for Carlisle - after all this time he barely even seems to notice - the rest of us all struggle at times to resist. We've all been where you are, facing the knowledge that we have taken life, and we have all found our own ways to move past it. You will too."

"I'm so frightened of doing it again," I confessed, her face so open and kind that it invited confidences. "If we go to Castle Cullen, and I should make a mistake there…" I couldn't even finish. As terrible as it had been to take the life of that unknown person, the idea of my control slipping and someone I know falling victim to this newly ravenous blood appetite was unbearable. "Agnes, or Jacob, or…or…my father…"

Before I had even finished speaking, Lady Alice was shaking her head. "No Bella, you need not worry. I cannot predict everything, of course, but what I have seen of your future is very promising. What happened back there was not a fair test, and I am quite convinced that your control is going to be exceptional." She nodded emphatically. "But we must take precautions all the same, so let's begin moving in that direction and do some hunting on the way."

Sir Jasper took point and we began to run with the swift, smooth vampire run that effortlessly ate the miles beneath my feet as the wind whipped past my face. The journey towards Volterra, the long hours aching in a jolting saddle as fear clutched my heart tight, felt as though it had happened years ago instead of only days. Everything about this new, vampire world seemed a thousand times brighter, all my senses heightened and everything more intense, the very world itself a different place. I didn't know how Sir Jasper knew his way across the vast swathes of land we covered while the night hung dark above us, but I was content to follow his lead as I took in everything I could with my eyes wide, my ears alert for any sound and my nose automatically sifting through the constant stream of scents that flashed by.

Sir Jasper's run led us around various settlements and towns. I could smell them, the delicious scent of human blood drifting tantalisingly past me, but it was always at enough of a distance that it didn't even cause me to falter. Often there was another smell overlaying it, something sickly and putrid, a tainting of the purity of blood.

"The blue sickness," Lord Edward said briefly, seeing my slight hesitation.

Remembering the endless parade of graves, the unknown numbers of newly sick and dead that awaited us at Castle Cullen, I had to suppress a shudder.

It was Sir Jasper who slowed us as the sky began lightening with the dawn. "We need to hunt," he said practically. "Bella ought to have something before her need becomes pressing, and I'm thirsty myself. I don't know how urgently we're needed at Castle Cullen, but we need to decide if we plan to travel through the day, or find some place to hole up and wait for dark. Either way we will need to make preparations."

Lady Alice leaned against him and closed her eyes. "We can wait for night to travel," she said softly. "The Volturi have decided not to trail us, so although I won't be comfortable until we are back home they pose no danger to us. As for Castle Cullen…Carlisle is there now, and he and the others will do whatever can be done for the people there. There is nothing we can do that they are not already doing."

"What about my father?" I asked urgently. "Can you see him? Is he well? Is the pestilence still rampant?" It felt as though we had been able from Castle Cullen for years.

"It's difficult to see," Lady Alice said, and I could not be sure if she was being sincere or evasive. "The pestilence makes everything so uncertain, and that plays havoc with my visions. You know I was wrong about what I saw of you…please Bella, don't ask me anyone's fate. Wait until we are there and can see what is true with our own eyes."

She gazed at me beseechingly, and I reluctantly nodded. Lord Edward stroked my hair away from my face and kissed me.

"Come Bella, and we will hunt before the sun rises."

Sir Jasper smiled at me. "Your first hunt! I'm sorry it will have to be a hasty one, but we'll make do. Now, can you tell me what is nearby?"

"There are some deer," I said tentatively. "And something else…" I strained my ears, soon matching the faint sounds of snoring and snuffling with the new scent. "Boar?"

Sir Jasper nodded approvingly. "Exactly. Either of those will do for a meal, and they generally make up the bulk of our diet. They're not particularly appetising, but they're plentiful and they will do." He smiled ruefully.

"Carnivores taste better," Lord Edward added with a grin. "Wolves, foxes…Rosalie likes the big cats and Emmett has a particular fondness for bears."

"Edward is right that carnivores are better, and you will have the opportunity to try them yourself in time," Sir Jasper said. "But for now we must hunt what we have nearby. Follow me Bella, and do exactly as I do."

The idea of being able to copy the stealthy movements of Sir Jasper stalking prey seemed impossible, but once again I had underestimated my innate vampire skills. I was able to move swiftly and completely soundlessly, following the guide of scent and sound until the boar was in sight, snuffling contentedly at the base of a tree.

"You take this one Bella," Sir Jasper murmured, his voice barely audible. "Seize him and bite hard, as quickly as you can. The animal will be dead almost before he realises it."

I crouched low, poised to spring. The boar smelled strong and earthy, nothing like the ambrosial scent of the human… I quashed that thought ruthlessly, and then leaped.

My teeth tore through the thick hide and the blood pulsed warm and thick into my mouth. The taste was dull and flavourless, but nevertheless I gulped it down greedily, feeling the warmth and life spread through my body. As Sir Jasper had said, it would do.

"Well done," he complimented me, emerging from the trees with Lord Edward and Lady Alice at his side. He nudged the carcass with his foot as I rose to my feet and somewhat self-consciously wiped my mouth to remove any traces of blood. "We will need to bury that. At home we can take the drained beasts back to the castle for dinner, but we can't do that here. It seems a waste, I know, but if the carcass was discovered it could cause trouble for someone. I don't know who this land belongs to, and penalties for poaching can be very severe."

I nodded, and watched in fascination as the two men rapidly dug a hole and covered the boar's lifeless body. Even with their bare hands, their vampire strength made the task take only moments. Lady Alice worked her fingers expertly through my hair as I watched, untangling the snarls and smoothing down the waves, removing the tiny bits of forest debris that had lodged there during our run across country.

"There," she said in satisfaction once she'd done. "Beautiful! Let's go hunting again. I'm thirsty too, and I smell some deer…I'd rather that than boar."

Once again I imitated them in their actions as they stalked through the forest, learning more how to seek and track and kill. The animal blood _wasn't_ like the human blood, not at all, but I found I enjoyed using my new abilities to meet the challenge of the hunt. And once it was done and we were sated, I was able to curl up in the arms of my lord and wait for the dawn, content that I was where I was supposed to be.

* * *

It was night as we came through the woods and faced the final approach to Castle Cullen, but the moon was high and to my vampire eyes it was as easy to see as in noonday sun. Below me, the horse snatched at the bit and danced sideways. Even as tired as he was he sensed my impatience and it made him uneasy.

We had acquired the horses several hours earlier, not wanting to arouse suspicions by arriving at Castle Cullen on foot. Stolen the horses, really, because we certainly had not paid for them. They were in a field almost bare of feed, the manor house atop the hill deserted, the scent of the humans who had lived there gone cold, and Sir Jasper had reasoned that we'd be doing the animals a kindness by taking them somewhere they'd be cared for. We had found tack in the cobwebbed stable block and caught the half-wild animals, brushing off the worst of the mud before mounting and riding hard for home.

The path to the castle wound up the hill and longed to push the horse to a canter, all the sooner to be home. But his head hung low with weariness and so I bit back my impatience. Lord Edward drew his mount alongside mine as we began the ascent, giving me a strained smile.

"You must be prepared for what you might find here, Bella."

"You mean the pestilence? Do you know something? Has Lady Alice seen something she hasn't told me?" I turned to stare at him.

"There have been deaths," he said carefully. "Many of them. You knew that."

My hands tightened convulsively on the reins and the horse threw up his head and snorted. "Do you know who?"

My lord's face filled with pity, and sorrow clouded his eyes. He reached a hand towards me, but I didn't take it. Instead, not caring now about who might see and what suspicions might be raised, I slid from the horse and ran. Faster even than my flight from the Volturi, I was at the castle walls in an instant, not even having to think as my incisive vampire senses guided me straight to where I needed to be.

 _Oh Father, I'm sorry I wasn't here! You loved me so well…and I love you, and I wish I could have told you and been with you at the end._


	32. Chapter 32 - Homecoming

_It's a long chapter this time, but it's the final one and rather than fiddle around and try and split it I decided to put it all up as one ~ enjoy!_

* * *

 _ **Chapter 32 - Homecoming**_

"Bella?" Lord Edward touched my shoulder.

I turned my face away from the freshly mounded grave and looked up, bereft. "I can't cry."

"No." He knelt beside me, his eyes black in the moonlight. "We don't do that. I'm sorry Bella."

Sorry about my father, or sorry I could not even shed a tear to honour him…it didn't matter. "I wish I had been here with him."

"If you had been here with him, you would be buried here beside him," Lord Edward said softly. "I saw Alice's vision of it and there is no doubt. Your father loved you Bella, and all he wanted was to see you safe and cared for…he would have been glad, even at the end, that you would be spared."

I crossed myself and whispered the prayer for the dead. For Charles, my father…a prayer for goodbye. I closed my eyes and followed the prayer with one of gratitude, because I had loved him so dearly and by sending me away from him at the end he had given me the gift of this life I would make with my lord. I prayed, and the words sounded like music in the still, midnight air.

"He suffered very little," Lady Alice said gently. "He never stopped working and caring for everyone else…but he was so very tired, and when the end came it came very quickly. I saw it…Carlisle was with him, and heard his confession and gave a blessing. If anyone made a good death with the blue sickness, Charles did. He was the last one."

"The last one?" I looked up at her in sudden horror. "You mean…there is no one left?"

"Oh no, no!" Lady Alice hastened to reassure me. "I meant only that he was the last death. There will be no more dying…the pestilence here is over."

I covered my face with my hands. Lady Alice's words should have bought joy, but all I could think of were the dead. All those lives ended, all the fear and grief and sorrow…so many gone. Lorelle, Merek, Sir Hugh, Elric and Benedict, Damaris and Malin and Lady Aldith, Jocelyn, _Charles_ … And I did not even know the whole of it, not yet.

I rose to my feet. I was a vampire now and did not feel tiredness, but there was a weariness to my spirit that kept my pace slow as I caught my loose horse and led him homeward. Lord Edward walked beside me, and when he silently reached for my hand I curled my fingers around his and together we walked under the gatehouse. _Home._

A gaggle of half-grown hounds came bounding out of the stable to meet us, howling and whining in excitement. They all sniffed me as someone unfamiliar, but before I could comment on this there were footsteps on the stones and a hearty "Welcome back!" rang through the yard as someone somersaulted off the upper balcony and landed beside Lady Alice.

It was Lord Emmett, beaming a dimpled smile on us all as he engulfed Lady Alice in his arms. "You're back! And lovelorn and melancholy Edward with you too…and thank the Lord God above, he's actually smiling! But look at what else you've brought with you! Lady Bella, all whole and healthy and far from dead of the plague, as I see it."

Lord Emmett turned his mischievous grin on me and then, much to my surprise, swept me up in his arms as he had Lady Alice, laying a smacking kiss on each cheek. "Lady Bella, the newest member of the family by the looks of it like…welcome home baby sister." He lowered me to my feet with gentle care and whispered in my ear as he did so, low enough that no one else would hear, "Thank you for bringing back my brother and giving him reason to live."

He swung away from me and wrapped his arms around Lord Edward and Sir Jasper, and for a moment the three of them gripped each other tightly and I saw once again how much they all meant to each other.

"My dear Bella!" Lord Carlisle was beside me now, his smile bright even as he looked around at the suddenly busy yard with bemusement. "Welcome!"

"Welcome!" Lady Esme embraced me carefully, kissing my cheek and smiling at me kindly. "What a lovely surprise, Bella! As for you three…" She turned and frowned at Lord Edward, Sir Jasper and Lady Alice, but her twinkling eyes gave the lie to her pretence at sternness. "I think there are some explanations needed!"

"I'm sorry we caused you such worry!" Lady Alice said contritely, smiling affectionately at Lady Esme. "I can explain everything, and you'll see that we did the only thing we could under the circumstances." She looked at a little anxiously at Lord Carlisle. "We really did, Carlisle. There wasn't any other choice….we did the best we could."

"That's all I ask of you," Lord Carlisle said gently. "It is all you can ask of yourself."

"Let's get these horses in the stable, and then we can continue this elsewhere," Lord Emmett suggested, taking the reins of my horse and Lady Alice's. "We don't want to wake the whole place…or what's left of it," he added darkly.

Lady Rosalie took the other horses, and disappeared into the stable after Lord Emmett. She hadn't spoken, and she had been careful not to look at me. I couldn't help but remember how much she had resented my presence in her family group when I was a human, and I wondered anxiously how she would feel about my transformation into one of them.

I strained my ears to listen as I followed the lord's family towards their chambers, but even my sharp vampire ears could hear little. Certainly there were sounds of human sleep, but how many and who they were I could not begin to guess. I didn't even know if I could bear to know.

There was a fire in the upstairs chamber and, although I did not need the warmth it cast out into the large room, the ordinary glow of it was comforting. Seeing the castle, so familiar and yet so different when viewed through my new vampire eyes, had unsettled me a little, and I felt reassured by the normalcy of sitting by the fire and feeling the heat against my back. Lord Edward sat beside me, his arm holding me snugly against him, his lips occasionally touching my hair.

"Tell us how this all came about," Lord Carlisle requested, as Lord Emmett and Lady Rosalie slipped in and the family were finally all gathered together. "As far as we were aware, Alice was rescuing Edward from an unhappy fate at the hand of the Volturi and Bella was perhaps dying from the pestilence."

Lady Alice giggled. "It seems my vision of Bella's death was a little premature. Had Bella stayed human here at Castle Cullen I think we would be telling a very different story now, but I was a little overhasty in announcing her demise. Although I wasn't the _only_ one who jumped to conclusions and acted without thought!" She waggled her finger at Lord Edward, who smiled sheepishly.

"I do owe you all an apology," he admitted. "I really have caused no end of trouble…and I was wrong. Not just wrong about Bella, but wrong about how much my family means to me and how much you have all been there for me." He ran a hand through his hair as he looked at each one in turn. "What we have here, all of us together, a family, is extraordinary. And for me to be prepared to throw it all away is unconscionable. I hope you'll forgive me."

"Of course we forgive you!" Lady Esme exclaimed, coming forward to embrace my lord. "Dear Edward, there was never any question of forgiveness! We are simply so relieved you are well and have returned to us safely!"

"And we are much relieved that Bella is here safe too," Lord Carlisle said with a friendly smile in my direction. "Although she is not in quite the same state as she was when we last saw her! How was it that the transformation took place?"

"The fault lies with me, and my wretched decision to go to the Volturi." Lord Edward grimaced. "Upon my arrival in Volterra I was granted an audience, and went before Aro, Caius and Marcus. Aro held my hand." He paused.

Lord Carlisle's shoulders stiffened.

"This is significant?" Lord Emmett had evidently caught the slight movement too. "Someone holding your hand?"

"Aro has a gift," Lord Carlisle answered. "He has only to touch the skin of an individual to see all their memories. Everything they have ever seen or thought or learned, everything they know…Aro sees it all."

"He knows everything I know," Lord Edward said. "All about our family, about our lives, he knows everything."

Lord Emmett gave a long, low whistle and shook his head.

"Aro was not inclined to grant my request. He gave the excuse that he would not wish to upset his good friend Carlisle, but in truth he thought someone with my particular abilities was perhaps too…useful." Lord Edward smiled wryly. "Although he was a little less pleased when he realised that my gift meant that all his musings and plots were an open secret to me! Rather than immediately deny me, they sent me away so that they might deliberate on the matter. I knew they intended to refuse however, and I came up with a plan to force their hand. I had gone to Volterra fully intending to die, and I did not intend to be thwarted."

"I saw what Edward planned." Lady Alice snuggled into Sir Jasper and took up the story. "It was very simple. He would merely expose his true nature to the humans in the square. No one would even be hurt. But of course the Volturi did not know his plan, and they dare not risk what Edward might do in public. They were watching him, and he would have been stopped before any humans had a chance to even catch a glimpse." She smiled at me. "I knew that it was only by seeing Bella alive with his own two eyes that Edward would believe me that everything had been a mistake. So I told Jasper to return to you in London and explain, while Bella and I went on to Volterra. It was the most _appalling_ journey, made worse by the constant fear that we would be too late, but despite everything we managed to reach Edward in time."

" _Almost_ in time," my lord added. "Unfortunately not before the Volturi were made aware of their presence. The three of us were summoned before Aro once again."

"And you really _don't_ want to upset Aro," Lady Alice said emphatically. "Carlisle, I know you have spent time there and he calls you friend, but Aro most definitely can _not_ be trusted."

"It would seem not," Lord Carlisle murmured, his face shadowed.

My lord went on. "I had always known that Bella being privy to anything about our world went against the laws the Volturi uphold. But I had always believed – foolishly – that any repercussions would fall to me. And indeed, Caius was most anxious to see me punished! However Aro counselled forgiveness, although only if the situation I had created was rectified immediately." Lord Edward took my hand and raised it to his lips. "In other words, Bella's transformation was ordered. At that point, there at Aro's mercy, there was no safe alternative."

Lord Carlisle nodded his agreement. "They do not take kindly to defiance. Was it you who bit Bella, Edward?"

"Yes." Lord Edward nodded. "It was utterly terrifying…I would have given anything I had to have you there beside me Carlisle! It is such a razor thin line between success and failure, and I could not bear the thought that I might be responsible for causing Bella's death. I believe Aro would have done it if I had requested he do so, and Philippe offered, but Bella wished that it should be me." He smiled at me before he turned back to Lord Carlisle and said in a lighter tone, "I do not know how you had the courage to attempt it! I had Alice reassuring me that she had seen a positive outcome and I was still so apprehensive I could scarcely make myself begin!"

Lord Carlisle chuckled. "It was truly not an action I took lightly, on any occasion! It is an awe inspiring responsibility to give someone this dark gift of immortality, and I trust that all of you would treat that responsibility with the degree of honour it deserves." His eyes roamed the room, taking in all of his family, and his mouth curved up in a smile. "But you have been a blessing in my life, all of you…I cannot regret my actions when I look at my family."

Lady Rosalie cleared her throat and stepped forward. Lord Emmett shadowed her, moving when she did, his eyes soft as he looked down at her in the firelight.

"I feel that I ought to apologise for the part I played in this," she said, her voice low but very clear. "I should have known better than to tell Edward what I did. I really _did_ believe that Alice's vision told truth, and I thought Edward ought to know…but there was no cause for me to tell him the way I did. I never dreamed that it would cause all this. I'm sorry Edward, and Bella too." She looked at me. "I know you wanted to become what we are, so that you might be with Edward. But it should have been something undertaken with great consideration and preparation, not something forced upon you as it was, and I am sorry for the role I had in events unfolding in this way. I hope that you will bear no grudge, and that one day we may perhaps come to see each other as sisters."

"There is no need for apologies," I said sincerely. "What is done is done, and I cannot really feel any sorrow over it, not now." Being as one with my lord Edward was the fulfilment of a dream.

"Do not trouble yourself Rosalie. Had I not acted with such intemperance it should none of it have happened. I blame myself entirely." Lord Edward gave Lady Rosalie a rueful smile. "Forgive and forget, please."

She smiled at both of us, so radiantly beautiful it could take your breath away, and turned back to Lord Emmett. Lady Alice skipped over to her, talking fast as she told her about some of what she had seen in Volterra. Other conversations broke out, and I turned my face up to my lord as I felt him tighten his arm around me.

"Are you well?" he asked, his glorious face shadowed with concern. "I am truly sorry about your father. I hope that you do not find his absence here at Castle Cullen too difficult to bear."

I shook my head. It would take time to learn to live with my loss, but I thought that being here at Castle Cullen in the place I had felt close to him would help.

But being at Castle Cullen would not be quite what I had expected.

Walking in to the chapel the following morning felt almost surreal. How many mornings had I stood with cold hands and numb feet, listening to the priest and staring at the bronze head of my lord ahead of me? Now I was suddenly expected to walk with the family and stand beside him, my new position in the castle made abundantly clear by that simple act.

I gave little thought to how that might be received though, for as soon as I entered the chapel all I could see was the emptiness. Death had done his work thoroughly here as he gathered souls, and less than a third of the people who had once filled the room remained.

The ghosts lay heavy on my heart that morning, as I took in the faces in the chapel and mourned the missing; those who had died in the rushed, confusing and heartbreaking days that I nursed the sick, and those who must have passed while I was gone.

But there were moments of happiness amongst the grief, as I saw the loved and familiar faces of those who had been lucky enough to come through the storm. Mistress Hildegard was there, deep lines of strain newly etched on her face, but her manner as brisk and efficient as always as she tended the children who stood close by her side. Amongst them was little Nell, the child Lorelle had brought with her, holding a toddler who was almost as large as she was on her skinny little hip. Jacob was there too, an older and more tired looking Jacob than the laughing stableboy who had one day taken me riding and whispered of secrets and legends, but his dark eyes looked the same as he looked up and smiled at me. And Agnes too, had been spared, her face as serene and kind as always as she prayed in the candlelight.

The priest had died before I had even left Castle Cullen, but with so many of his brothers also lost to the blue sickness there had not been another priest to replace him. Instead Lord Carlisle led the prayers in the chapel that morning, his faith and conviction clear in his measured words.

Lord Edward stood close by my side, with Sir Jasper almost as close on the other side. At one stage I caught him looking down at me with a slightly puzzled frown, which changed to a self-deprecating smile when he saw me looking at him.

"Edward asked me to stay close," he murmured, so quietly that the humans would never hear. "He was concerned about you being in such close proximity to humans, in case you…"

"Lost control," I said, shrinking away from the potential horror I was capable of unleashing here.

Sir Jasper nodded, still looking faintly perplexed. "I would perhaps be able to calm you if it were needed. But the scent of blood so close seems to scarcely trouble you at all."

It was not until he spoke of it that I realised it, but Sir Jasper was right. The scent of blood, as mouth-wateringly delicious as it was, was merely background to me. It didn't raise that ravenous frenzy in me that the free-flowing blood in Volterra had. Within this context, I was quite able to keep my composure.

"I told you Bella's control was going to be exceptional," Lady Alice said smugly. "Whilst I would advise against complacency, I really do believe you are more than capable of this."

At the conclusion of the prayer service I began to follow Lord Edward as we led the way out of the chapel, but the sight of Agnes, and Jacob, made me pause.

Bella," Agnes said, a little hesitantly. "Welcome back." She tried to hide her confusion as she took in my new visage, so familiar and yet so unfamiliar. "I'm sorry about your father."

I thanked her and asked after her own health. She answered me, but her tone was distant and her face uneasy as she glanced at me and then to Lord Edward waiting for me in the doorway, and I let her go.

Jacob came towards me, and as I reached for him he gave a happy smile and caught my hands in his, squeezing them tight. But almost immediately he dropped them and stepped away, on his face a look that could only be described as revulsion.

I suddenly remembered a sunny afternoon, riding through the woods and listening to a laughing Jacob tell me stories. _The cold ones…they kept_ coming back _. They're immortal, and every so often would come a Lord to run the castle whose flesh was ice cold and whose body never changed, and the people would sense that they were something other._

Surely he couldn't _know_ …

"Jacob," I whispered.

But Jacob swallowed convulsively and backed away, refusing to meet my eyes. "Excuse me," he muttered. "There are things I must see to." Without waiting for a response he strode rapidly away, crossing himself against evil as he did so.

I did not try to greet anyone else, and the few people who saw me and made moves to approach seemed to change their minds and veer away as they drew closer. They may not have been able to define why, but something about the changes in me made them uncomfortable, although none of them reacted so overtly as Jacob had.

"You need to stay away from him," Lord Edward said quietly, appearing soundlessly at my side.

"But…he's my friend…" I gazed after him.

Lord Edward touched my face, his eyes sad. "He cannot be that Bella. Not now. You are one of us…and this immortality does not come without a price. Human friendships are difficult, and Jacob's bloodline make any friendship with him an utter impossibility."

"His bloodline?" I queried. "You mean because he's not noble born? My lord, with all due respect, that is absurd…"

"What is noble birth but a lucky accident of fate?" Lord Edward shook his head. "Bella, I judge no one for their parents or place in life. But Jacob comes from an ancient line of people whose sole purpose was to protect humans from danger…protect them from creatures like _us_."

"He told me those stories, but he doesn't _believe_ them," I said. "I mean, wolves?"

Lord Edward smiled faintly. "Is it so much harder to believe than that we exist? And they might be nothing but story and legend now, but Jacob carries the blood of the first people in his veins and whether he knows it or not, or understands it or not, he is our natural born enemy. And we fight our instincts all the time, but there are some lines that cannot be crossed."

The two of us paced slowly from the chapel, taking the winding stairway up until we stepped out on to the roof. Still thinking of Jacob, I gazed out across the rolling hills. At this time of year the arable land should be tilled and planted and the crops growing, but only small areas had been ploughed. Under the grey sky, most of the land lay fallow, fit only for grazing.

But as I watched I heard the distant sounds of laughter, and Lord Emmett came into view, mounted on the broad back of a plough horse. He guided it to the edge of the ploughed earth and then slid off, leading the horse on a slow line as it dragged the heavy plough behind it, turning up the soil. Sir Jasper followed him with another of the solid plough horses, falling into step behind him.

The sight of the two highborn men ploughing like any villein or serf rendered me temporarily speechless. Lord Edward saw my surprise and his face lightened as he smiled.

"You seem so shocked, my love!"

"They're ploughing," I said with a faint laugh. "It seems so…incongruous."

Lord Edward laughed too. "Perhaps so, but it is probably a good thing to give Emmett something useful to do that keeps him out of mischief!" His face sobered. "It may not be so rare now to see people step outside of their station in life…this plague has decimated the population, and I think it is not only Emmett and Jasper whose lives will change as we try and rebuild."

For a long time I didn't say anything as I watched the slow but steady progress of the heavy horses and listened to the birdsong and the repetitive, tuneless whistling of Lord Emmett. I thought of all those people gone, all the skills and knowledge lost with them, the way of life I had grown up with that had now been shaken to its utter core by the devastation that had rocked the world. I thought of how we might rebuild now, of people being called upon to do things that they would not have dreamt of before. Lord Carlisle leading the prayer service, the lords ploughing and harvesting, the cottar's girls brought into the castle as kitchen maids, Jacob going from being a stableboy to overseeing the yards and the stables. And me, from a small and mousy human to a vampire, from bread and ale to blood…

"It's going to be a very different world after this, isn't it?" I said slowly. "Not only for myself…but for everyone."

Lord Edward gazed across the fields, nodding thoughtfully. "I think so Bella. I hope that it doesn't make you too anxious?"

He turned to look at me, and I met his face with a bright, open smile. "No," I said with conviction. "I'm not frightened. I think that all will be well…after all my lord, could it be anything but now that we have each other – for always?"

My lord kissed me, and there on the castle roof, with the world stretching out around us, and the future stretching endlessly ahead of us, we pledged ourselves to each other again. The two of us together…always.

" _Remember tonight…for it is the beginning of always." – Dante Alighieri_

* * *

 _A/N – Thank the Muse, this thing is DONE! Finally! I have never, ever worked so hard to finish a story for this site, and I have to say thank you to every single person who ever left me a review or left kudos or favourited this, because without that encouragement I would never have finished it. Everyone has always been so lovely to me about my writing here, I'd be damned if I let anyone down with an unfinished story!_

 _However, I concede that I am definitely, absolutely, NOT a Bella-and-Edward writer._

 _After all that though…I hope you enjoyed The Beginning of Always. Thank you for sticking with it, even though a satisfying story arc and resolution probably seemed very doubtful at times! Thank you for indulging my love of historical fiction and plague stories, and accepting my characterisation of Bella – I definitely came to love and appreciate her character a lot through the challenges of this story._


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